Categories: Marriage

Peacemaking in Marriage: The Seven A’s of Confession

“Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

Review: Preparation for Go and Show (Matthew 18:15) requires honest self-examination and repentance of all sin that God reveals to you. Before confronting the offender, we must be willing to admit our wrongs through confession.

Confession: ‘Homologeo’ – literally to say/speak the same thing. Agree with the Holy Spirit (or others such as a counselor) when convicted of sin.

If you truly desire peace with your offender, you must first thoroughly admit your wrongs.

How Do We Properly Confess Our Sins? Use the Seven A’s.

Address everyone involved
Avoid if, but, and maybe
Admit specifically
Acknowledge the hurt
Accept the consequence
Alter your behavior
Ask for forgiveness (and allow time)

Address Everyone Involved

Confess your sins to everyone directly affected. Start first with God (Psalm 32:5; 41:4).

Note: “Heart sins” take place only in our thoughts and should be confessed only to God. “Social sins” are words and actions that affect others. They should be confessed to those affected by them.

Avoid If, But, and Maybe. Our confession is ruined when blame is shifted or guilt is minimized or excused.

Examples:

“I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to upset you.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but you were pushing my buttons.” The word ‘but’ will nearly always destroy a confession.

Admit Specifically. The more specific the confession, the more likely you are to receive a positive response. The person will be convinced you are honestly facing up to your part.

Acknowledge the Hurt. Demonstrate that you understand your words/actions hurt the other person.

Examples:

“I know you must have been terribly embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone.”
“I can see why you were frustrated when I didn’t show up on time.

It is important to show that you understand how they feel and to express genuine sorrow for hurting them. It will open the door to reconciliation.

Accept the Consequences

Prodigal Son (Luke 15): “I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of the hired men.”

Zacchaeus (Luke 19): “I will pay back four times the amount.”

Alter Your Behavior. Explain how you plan to change (attitude, character, behavior). Write out the specifics of your change process.

Ask for Forgiveness (and allow time). Don’t pressure them into forgiving you; they may not be ready: “I know you are hurt and it may take you time.”

Conclusion: Confession before showing our offender their fault increases the likelihood of reconciliation/restoration of the relationship.

Bill