Review (Part 1):

Big Idea: Scripture specifies the procedure for resolving conflict between two parties. A failure to follow this procedure is sin and results in damaged relationships  and the defamation of God’s character.

Three Ungodly Approaches to resolving conflict:

  1. Slander and gossip. 
  • Unfortunately, most consider these acceptable/respectable sins.
  • Romans 1:28 ff listed among such heinous sins as murder, sex immorality, haters of God, unnatural affections, covenant breakers
  • Demonstrate that we do not genuinely love the offender or want reconciliation

2. Hold a grudge

  • When a grievance goes unresolved leads to resentment and bitterness
  • Emotional wall is built and the relationship begins to die
  • Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, neither give place to the devil–to get a foothold; to build a stronghold.”

3. Verbal attack

  • Often about payback/vindictiveness: “even the score,” “set the record straight,” “give him a piece of my mind.”
  • “Let no unwholesome words come out of you mouth but that which edifies and ministers grace to the hearer.”

What is the Godly Approach?

 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you; if he listens to you, you have won your brother back” Matthew 18:15

Procedure: Go and Show

 GO 

  1. Privately

“…just between the two of you…” (Matt. 18:15a)

Three Excuses:

  • Isn’t God the one who convicts people of sin and changes hearts? Yes, but he typically uses other people to bring the offender to repentance (Nathan–2 Samuel 12))
  • Doesn’t the Bible tell us not to judge? “Judge not or you too will be judged” (Matt. 7:1). If you keep on reading we discover that Jesus was not forbidding confrontation. He was saying that confrontation should come after we have dealt with sin in our own life (“log out of your own eye”). John 7:24 “Stop judging my mere appearances and make a right judgment.”
  • We should mind our own business (II Thess. 4:11) This is a prevalent idea in our culture (“live and let live”); our private life is nobody’s business. Certainly we need to respect people’s privacy-we are not to be busybodies and gossips. But sometimes the most loving thing to do is to confront.

James 5:19-20 “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: ‘Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins.”

NOTE: When slights, hurts, or offenses are petty and unintentional, they should be dropped. Prov. 19:11 “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

But, if the matter is affecting your relationship with the offender, you must go and confront.

Insight: Going privately precludes gossip and slander. These two sins prove that we do not love the offender and desire reconciliation, but that we are pursuing our own selfish agenda (e.g., destroy offender’s reputation; enlist allies; ventilate resentment)

2. In a spirit of gentleness and humility

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” (Gal. 6:1)

Note: Or meekness; has nothing to do with weakness or timidity; used of wild animals that were broken and tamed, especially of horses. Power under control.

Note: Horse still has its strength and spirit but under control of its master.

Jesus/Gethsemane; had access to infinite  power but did not choose to use it.

“Don’t you know that I can appeal to my Father and He will at once put at my disposal more than 12 legions (6000 X 12= 72,000) of angels?”

David/Saul

“But David said to Abishai, Do not destroy him, for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord’s anointed and be without guilt?”

Moses: “a very humble man” but fearlessly confronted Pharaoh and Israel in her rebelliousness and idolatry..

Insight: Check your attitude before you go. Are you going to simply “have it out,” “set the record straight,” or “vent your spleen?” To prevent this from happening, get the “log” out of your own eye (Matt. 7:5). The offender is more apt to listen to you if you approach him in humility rather than self-righteous pride.

Remember, God has been very patient with you; he had forgiven a multitude of your sins.

SHOW

  1. Confront in love

“…but speaking the truth in love…” (Eph. 4:16)

 Note: Be careful not to blame, shame, or punish the offender. Don’t stick your finger in their face; Don’t thump your Bible; Don’t act like a self-righteous Pharisee.

Focus on the issue without being accusative. Use “I” messages (e.g., “I felt angry when you said…”) rather than “You” statements (e.g., “You really made me mad!”). Focus on mutual understanding; the person that you are talking to is more important than the issue

“Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” Prov. 27:5-6

  1. For the purpose of restoration

“If he listens, you have won back your brother” (Matt. 18:15b)

“…you who are spiritual should restore him gently” Gal. 6:1

Note: Listen means to hear so as to bring about conviction, sorrow, repentance, and confession. When we ‘go’ and ‘show’ we should believe that God will empower us for the purpose of reconciliation.

(Gk. ‘ka/tar/tizo’–to mend, repair, bring back to wholeness; used in relation to torn fishing nets and broken bones). The relationship is restored; fellowship is renewed.

SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS IN COUNSELING FOR A COUNSELOR ARE WHEN PEOPLE RECONCILE; A MARRIED COUPLE, A PARENT AND CHILD, A FAMILY. WHEN TEARS ARE SHED, HUGS ARE EXCHANGED, APOLOGIES MADE, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.  

GO and SHOW: 1) Go privately, 2) Go in humility, 3) Confront in love, and 4) Seek restoration

 Conclusion: Conflict provides an opportunity to glorify God and reestablish peace and unity with the other person. When we choose an ungodly approach to deal with conflict, we dishonor/defame God’s character and risk the loss of the relationship.

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