“The family that prays together stays together.” The old adage is more accurate than we realized. Multiple US surveys reveal that although the divorce rate for Christians is about the same as those outside the church, Christian couples that pray together have a divorce rate of less than one percent! In fact, it is the most reliable factor for predicting long-term marital satisfaction. Praying together has a real and dramatic effect in creating oneness and intimacy in marriage.
If you are still unsure about the benefits of prayer with your mate, let’s look at the specifics of how it can build your relationship:
- Prayer unites you spiritually before God. One of the most important reasons God wants couples to pray together is that it unites them spiritually. When the early church was persecuted for their faith, the believers came together and “raised their voice to God with God with one accord…” (Acts 4:24). The testimony of the Scripture reveals that when this group finished praying together they were “one heart and one soul” (Acts 4:32). Prayer naturally brings a couple together in agreement with one another as they present their petitions before the Lord. Their hearts become aligned and united toward a common end as they make their requests for God’s intervention. There is nothing couples need more than to be of one heart and one soul. How different this attitude is from the independent spirit so many married partners live with day after day. To have an in-depth relationship that is truly satisfying and spiritually unified, a couple must begin to pray together.
- Prayer encourages humility and honesty. Experiencing unity of heart with a spouse by praying together does not occur automatically. It requires a humble heart, a willingness to honestly bear one’s soul before their mate and before God. The special message that is communicated to a listening partner is, “I have a personal need that I cannot meet. I am declaring that I am open, vulnerable, and sincere. I am dependent upon you, God.” One of the greatest problems that so many couples have is an unwillingness to acknowledge any weakness or need to one another. Praying together puts an end to a proud and independent spirit. When a spouse knows their mate’s heart and the problems they face, it draws them together as one.
- Prayer develops and deepens your communication. It is an established fact that good communication is essential for a healthy, satisfying marriage. Prayer together is the hand that turns the key that opens the relational door. When we pray we say things to God that we would most likely never say to our spouse in casual conversation. For example, if a woman hears her husband praying earnestly about a difficult situation at work, she may more fully realize, “Wow, I had no idea he was struggling so much with his boss.” Or, if a husband describes his commitment in prayer to become more obedient to Christ, his wife will come to see that she can trust him to fulfill his responsibilities in their marriage, too. Prayer together reveals the deepest thoughts of our hearts, which gives us greater insight into which our spouse truly is. This is communication at its best.
- Prayer establishes deeper companionship. The real enemies of oneness, intimacy, and companionship are independence, pride, and a lack of heart-to-heart communication. When a couple humbly pray together, communicating their common needs before God in a dependent manner, they will begin to experience a deeper sense of fellowship and closeness than ever before. It goes without saying, the closer we get to God the closer we’ll get to one another.
- Prayer will build your marriage up. Praying together will build your marriage up because you will be built up. Scripture makes this truth clear: “Building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit” (Jude 1:20). As you pray and spend time petitioning and communing with the Father, the Holy Spirit produces the “fruit of the Spirit” – love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in our hearts. Aren’t these the qualities that every marriage needs? As you are built up personally with these Christ-like graces, your marriage will be built up as well.
How can you make the practical changes needed? It is not enough to know these truths. To be of any help to your marriage, they must be practiced. Perhaps you’re thinking, “How do I get started?” Let’s look at some practical ways to change things.
- Find a mutually agreeable time. The right time to pray together will vary from couple to couple depending on work schedule(s), children, sleep patterns, and other factors. In the same way that you set aside time to eat and groom everyday, do the same for praying together with your spouse. This may involve some sacrifice such as getting up earlier or turning off the television in the evening, but it will be well worth the dividends it pays to the relationship.
- Keep your prayer time short. One of the common mistakes that couples make when beginning a prayer time together is to immediately pray for an extended period of time. If one or both spouses are not accustomed to the practice of prayer, he or she will become turned off quenching the desire to pray. To develop the habit of prayer together, begin with a short period at first, possibly just a few minutes. This will keep either partner from becoming distracted, impatient, or bored. Get to the point and say what you need to say then be silent. This gives your spouse the opportunity to add any postscript to your prayer or move on to another subject. Often, the common complaint a spouse makes is that “he (or she) prays for everything and I can’t get a word in.” The only way to solve this problem is for the offender to see his or her behavior as a selfish attempt to control the prayer time. Be sensitive to your mate’s needs and encourage effective prayer. Pray by taking turns until one partner stops praying. Conclude by thanking God for the time you had together. This is a time that He wants to bless you and your mate so be careful not to impose your will upon your spouse.
- Keep it personal. One thing that nurtures effective prayer together is acknowledging personal needs in the presence of your mate before God. So often prayer becomes impersonal because words such as ‘we’ and ‘us’ are used rather than ‘I’. Personal needs are not confessed. Hearts will be naturally knitted together, however, when there is openness and honesty while praying. When a spouse listens in on our prayer, they learn a lot about us. They see our current perspective on life. They hear our concerns, and as a result, become more sensitive and responsive to us. Occasionally, there are some issues that are too difficult to verbalize directly to our spouse. These might include a confession, a concern, or another delicate matter. Prayer together is unique in that it creates a safe environment that enables us to “talk” about the issues that need disclosure. When our spouse “overhears” our conversation with God, they gain an understanding of our thought process that they might otherwise not have known. Don’t wait for your spouse to open up before you decide to get personal. Start by asking for the most important things in your life then watch what happens to your mate when he or she prays.
- Pray for your marriage. To encourage more honest and open prayer with your mate, begin by praying for your marriage. Be careful not to offend by praying for a specific problem they have or where she or he has offended you. You will be perceived as arrogant, self-righteous, and condemning. The best place to begin is by thanking God for your spouse and requesting His help in the areas where you are personally failing. This is the “remove the plank from your own eye” principle that Jesus taught in Matthew 7:5. When you begin asking God for a greater love or a willingness to be a servant to the needs of your spouse, he or she will sense your humility and draw closer to you. Ask God to bring healing and growth to your relationship. Regularly thank Him for your mate, stressing his or her strong points. Acknowledge the value you place on them as you praise God for His blessings.
With all its potential benefits, there is a temptation to pursue prayer together for selfish reasons. As valuable as the benefits may be, they are secondary to the primary purpose of prayer. They are the “icing on the cake”. Our main purpose is to draw near to God and experience fellowship with Him. We do this through praise, worship, thanksgiving, confession, and petition. We align our thoughts with His thoughts. We align our behavior with His ways. We build intimacy with our Heavenly Father, and in the process, we build oneness with our spouses as well.
Consider praying together with your mate on a regular basis. Open, honest, and intimate prayer will bring new intimacy to your marriage!
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