Categories: Marriage

Protecting Your Marriage From Adultery

Beware of thinking, “Adultery would never happen in my marriage.” Sadly, many who believed they were invincible are the very ones who have fallen into immorality. I have counseled countless men and women who have sat with their heads in their hands lamenting their stupidity for having been involved in adulterous behavior. I have heard the heart-wrenching cries of “How could you?” and the blank stares of the offending spouse. I have observed rivers of tears as they have flowed down the cheeks of the wounded.

The obvious question that should come to your mind is “How can we prevent this from happening to us? What can we do to safeguard our marriage? What kind of plan of action is there to protect us from temptation?” Friend, I believe if you will heed the words that are to follow, you can preserve yourself from this terrible heartache. You will spare yourself immeasurable grief. Let me share with you the danger signs that can forewarn you of impending disaster as well instructions given in Scripture that will keep you from adultery.

How do adulterous relationships begin?

A series of choices. Every decision you make is either a step down the path that leads to adultery or to a wholesome relationship. Solomon acknowledges this truth when he describes the choices of an adulterous man: “He took the path to her house.” (Proverbs 7:8). He doesn’t blame the woman but emphasizes one of the initial choices this man made in engaging in immorality. Although I believe there are many influences that draw a man into an adulterous relationship, in the end, it comes down to choices. They determine victory or defeat. The fundamental command for every decision you make is reduced to “Choose what pleases Me.” (Isaiah 56:4).
Feeding an unholy attraction. God has built in to each of us an antenna for detecting and interpreting someone’s second look in our direction, the nuance of a flirtatious smile, and the subtleties in words and tones in our interactions with the opposite sex. Most of us are aware at some level when an attraction is present between us and another person. God, in His creative genius, has hard-wired us this way to bring about loving and wholesome marital relationships. The power of attraction, however, can go awry which can set off a dangerous chain reaction. Solomon tells us, “The lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil” (Proverbs 5:3). What, then, can you do to put the brakes on an unholy attraction when you detect it? You must first chose to recognize this passion and not deny the reality of what you are sensing. Secondly, do nothing to nurture or entertain it. As inflated as your ego may be at that point, realize that this is a potentially dangerous situation that must be avoided at all costs. Practically speaking, when you are flirted with, don’t flirt back. When undue attention is directed to you by someone of the opposite sex, politely remove yourself from their presence. Make sure that you are never alone with them again. The unholy attraction will subside and you will have spared you and your spouse untold misery and grief.
Playing with the thoughts. Another determining factor that will keep you off the path of adultery is what you allow in your mind. You may be able to avoid the person that you sense an attraction to, but what about your thought life? If unchecked, illicit thinking about this individual can ultimately lead to immorality. The apostle Paul warns us that the mind is the battleground where spiritual warfare is fought. He exhorts his readers to “Bring every thought into captivity to the obedience to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). In Philippians 4:8 we read, “Whatever things are just, whatever things are pure…if there be any virtue…meditate on these things.” Here, again, it comes down to a choice. What will you allow your mind to feed on? If you are to be victorious against the evil desires of your sinful nature, you can’t play with thoughts of an adulterous relationship in your mind. If you do, it’s only a matter of time before a tempting opportunity comes along and you act on those thoughts.
Not dealing with your lust. Solomon also warns his son about the power of unchecked desires. He instructs: “Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids…Can a man take fire to his bosom and his clothes not be burned?” (Proverbs 6:25, 27). Lustful desires are powerful. In fact, your lust is stronger than your will to resist. Paul recognized this fact when he said, “For I know that in me (that is, my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find”( Romans 7:18). Paul had the will to resist his fleshly desires, but he lacked the power to perform what he knew was right. The good news is that he later came to understand thatthe power of the Holy Spirit ruling in his life was the only path to victory. He discloses this truth to the Galatian church when he wrote, “Walk in the spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). The only way to effectively resist the evil desires of your flesh is by acknowledging your weakness and by being filled daily with the Holy Spirit. You must live in total dependence upon is mighty power if you are to overcome.
Denying the voice of conscience. The conscience is similar in action to the lights on a car’s dash that flash to warn us that there is a malfunction in the engine. The warning light of conscience (literal meaning: “with knowledge”) is located in every individual’s mind. This instinctive sense of right and wrong produces guilt when it is violated (Romans 2:15). It either accuses or excuses us. When we repeatedly ignore the conscience’s warnings, it becomes desensitized and eventually stops functioning. A hardened heart will assure an individual’s eventual fall into immorality. If you are sensing that your conscience is accusing you concerning any attraction you may have toward another person, or you know that you are experiencing immoral thoughts and desires toward someone other than your spouse, you have a decision to make. Will you listen to the voice of your conscience and turn away or will you continue on the path to destroying your marriage and the one you love? Won’t you respond before it is too late?
Believing lies. There are many lies that a person must buy into before they enter an adulterous relationship. What are they? First, you must believe that entering this illicit relationship is the only way that you will ever experience the love and affection that you are not receiving from your current marriage. Solomon warns his son that an adulterous woman will say, “Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; let us delight ourselves with love” (Proverbs 7:18). In reality, this is not an act of love but of selfishness and lust. You must also believe the lie that you can get away with this behavior and not be discovered. “My husband is not at home…and will come home on the appointed day. With her enticing speech she caused him to yield” ((Proverbs 7:19-21). The truth of the matter is that the deceit will sooner or later be exposed. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that will he reap” ( Galatians 6:7). God in His infinite mercy will bring your adultery to light, so that you will repent. Don’t believe that you can commit adultery without any consequences. There are always consequences to sin. “Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would take his life” ( Proverbs 7:22-23). If you choose to commit adultery, it will become like a noose around your neck that will choke the life from your relationship with God and that which remains with your spouse. Solomon ends his warning to his son by pleading with him to listen to his wisdom: “Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways. Do not stray into her paths; for she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descendingto the chambers of death” (Proverbs 7:25-27). Don’t think that you will be the only one who is able to flagrantly violate God’s express commands and come out unscathed. All who yield to immorality think they are strong and that they will escape the consequences. Don’t be deceived by this lie.
Unmet personal needs. One of the fundamental reasons why adultery occurs is because people believe their partner is not meeting their spiritual, emotional, or physical needs. Consequently, when someone else begins to show interest and affection, the unfulfilled spouse readily believes they have found someone who can meet their needs. The issue of exclusively meeting one another’s needs is the primary purpose of marriage. The prophet Malachi explicitly taught that your partner is to be “your companion” (Malachi 2:14). The word companion means someone with whom you are knit together, a oneness in which both partner’s needs are met. In the same verse, Malachi equates a failure to fulfill this need for companionship to dealing treacherously with your spouse. The word treacherously means to behave unfaithfully. The ultimate solution to this problem is to seize every opportunity to deepen companionship with your mate by meeting their needs. In doing so, you will safeguard your marriage from adultery.

What can keep a person from an adulterous relationship?

Don’t over-estimate your strength. “Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall” ((I Corinthians 10:13). Do you think you are strong and unable to fall into the sin of adultery? If you do, think again. Remember King David, a “man after God’s own heart?” In the latter part of his life he became overconfident and fell into an adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. What cause a person to be over-confident? It begins with a proud, self-reliant attitude. Scripture warns us that “pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Examine your heart and humbly ask God for an appraisal of yourself. The haughty spirit is usually fueled by an inadequate understanding of the power of our sinful nature. We all like to think that we are stronger than we are, even though we fail so often. Don’t become over-confident, but recognize that your fleshly desires are stronger than you are.
Deal with your lustful thoughts and desires quickly. Lustful desires andthoughts are where all the trouble begins. Resist them immediately. Paul encouraged Timothy to “flee…youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22). This is the only way to deal with your evil desires effectively and victoriously. How do you flee evil desires and thoughts? First, recognize them as sin and reject them. Refuse to dwell on them. Paul instructs us to “put off” these fleshly thoughts and “be renewed in the spirit of your mind” (Ephesians 4:22-23). Secondly, resist Satan, the tempter when he attempts to entice you. Scripture says, “resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).
Confess to a trustworthy friend and ask for prayer. Confessing your struggle to a trustworthy friend has several benefits. First, this will allow your friend to counsel and encourage you with the Word of God. The light of Scripture will expose the work of darkness for what it is, a lie. (Sin always promises something it can’t deliver. This is why sin is called “deceitful” in Hebrews 3:13.) In addition, once you ask for help, you now have someone who can keep you accountable if the temptation persists. The most important benefit is your friend’s prayer support. James commands, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another…the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16). If you want the energetic and caring prayer support of a trusted friend that has the ability to avail much, you must first take the step to confess your need. Don’t neglect this assistance.
Flee the situation. Once you have dealt with your lustful desires and thoughts and found good counsel from a trusted friend, you must then take action to remove yourself from the temptation. If you find yourself alone with a tempting person, you must flee the situation. Put as much space between you and them as you can. In some cases this will be quite easy. In others it may be more difficult and require drastic actions such as not hiring a secretary you are attracted to, not taking a job that keeps you traveling away from home, not taking a job where the interviewer made inappropriate, sexual comments, or not talking to someone at church who always wants to hug you. The principle of fleeing a tempting situation is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom and strength. This is what Joseph did when Potiphar’s wife attempted to seduce him (Genesis 39:7-12). Proverbs warns us that the wise man “sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 22:3).
Regularly feed on the Word of God. Another important key for avoiding adultery is by maintaining a strong relationship with the Lord. After Paul had instructed Timothy to flee temptation, he encouraged him “to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith…” (I Timothy 6:11). The pursuit of God is the greatest safeguard against the temptation of sexual immorality. One of the best ways to pursue righteousness and godliness is by planting the Word of God in your heart on a daily basis. This is exactly what Solomon tells his son to do. “My son, keep my words, and treasure my commands within you. Keep my commands and live, and my law as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart…that they may keep you from the immoral woman, from the seductress who flatters with her words” (Proverbs 7:15). The Holy Spirit will use the Word of God that has been stored in the heart through reading, memorization, and meditation. He will rebuke and correct the thoughts of your heart that are contrary to God’s Word.
Consider the consequences. The consequences of our actions are essential to learning God’s ways. If you choose to disregard the warnings and instruction of God’s Word, the consequences will bring you back to reality the hard way. Solomon warned his son to think realistically about sexually immoral behavior. “Can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be seared?” (Proverbs 6:28). The next time you toy with the idea of sexual immorality ask yourself the following questions: What would it be like to have to face my spouse and children to confess this moral failure? What would it be like to lose a lifelong partner just for a few minutes pleasure? What would it be like to lose my ministry and witness as a believer? What would it be like to forfeit the respect of my friends and family? Face the reality of the consequences now. If you want to avoid the heartache consequences bring, don’t start down the path of immorality.
Make your relationship with your spouse fresh and exciting. Probably the simplest way to safeguard your marriage is given to us in Proverbs 5:15-20. Here Solomon’s son is encouraged to work hard at finding complete satisfaction in his physical relationship with his wife. He is told to “rejoice with the wife of your youth…let her breasts satisfy you at all times and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” (vs. 18-20). Solomon’s reasoning is very simple. If you are satisfied with your spouse, why would you ever look outside of your marriage? When you have a companion at home who excites you, an unholy attraction has much less appeal. But, the question is, are you fostering this kind of relationship with your spouse? If you don’t want your mate attracted to someone else, then your daily responsibility should be to giving yourself to becoming a companion that is attractive spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You should work hard to keep your relationship exciting, romantic, and fresh. Remember, it was this excitement for each other that drew you together. It can electrify your relationship again if you are willing to do the same things you did when you first dated. Spend time with each other, communicate your love and affection, pray with each other, and meet one another’s needs. As you do, watch the excitement return and your relationship grow. If you love each other like this, the attraction for a substitute will always pale in comparison.