Rebuilding Trust in a Christian Marriage

Trust is the foundation of any healthy marriage. When trust is broken, it can be devastating for a couple. However, with God’s help and a commitment to the relationship, it is possible to rebuild trust and restore the marriage. As Christian counselor Leslie Vernick states, “If your marriage is to be reconciled, you need more than repentance. You need restoration of broken trust. That takes serious effort and a period of time. “The process of rebuilding trust begins with the offending spouse taking responsibility for their actions. They must make a full confession, being completely honest about what happened without making excuses or shifting blame. As Focus on the Family advises, “Admitting and repenting is in and of itself a process, and one that should not be short on sorrow, shame, tears, and apologizing.” The offending spouse should also demonstrate true repentance through changed behavior over time. At the same time, the hurt spouse must be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. As Christian author Dawn Mann Sanders writes, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean you automatically forget, and it doesn’t mean you allow your spouse to keep doing the same things that broke your trust, in the first place. But it shows them that you’re willing to work on rebuilding that trust and you’re not going to hold their mistakes against them as you move forward.” Forgiveness is not optional for the Christian, as Jesus commands us to forgive others just as God has forgiven us (Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:32). However, forgiveness does not mean immediately trusting the offending spouse again. Trust must be rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy actions over an extended period. As Focus on the Family explains, “Trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the rebuilding process can be lengthy and tedious.” The offending spouse should be willing to take concrete steps to demonstrate their trustworthiness, such as:

• Allowing the hurt spouse access to their phone, email, and social media accounts for accountability
• Cutting off contact with the person they betrayed the spouse with
• Attending counseling or a support group to address the root issues behind their actions
• Consistently following through on their word and being reliable in their actions

The hurt spouse, in turn, must be willing to take a risk and begin trusting again, even if it’s scary. As Christian counselor Jessica Hottle writes, “Knowing that God will never fail us provides the foundation for trusting others. Our ultimate security lies in Him, giving us the freedom to trust others and experience the joy it brings.” The hurt spouse should look for consistent evidence of change over time to rebuild their trust. Rebuilding trust also requires excellent communication between the couple. They must be willing to have difficult conversations about the betrayal, the pain it caused, and their hopes for the future. As Focus on the Family advises, “Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.” The couple should also make time for fun, connection, and affection as they work through the pain. Ultimately, the couple must keep God at the center of their marriage and rely on His strength to guide them through the process. As Christian counselor Bellevue Christian Counseling states, “Depending upon and trusting Him and his ways and counseling can be an expression of such dependence, trust, and obedience to God.” The couple should pray together, read the Bible together, and seek godly counsel from their pastor, mentors, or a Christian counselor. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is difficult and painful, but with God’s help and a commitment to the relationship, it is possible. As Christian author Heather Riggleman writes, “Rebuilding trust is not impossible, but it requires commitment, humility, consistency, and intentionality of the offending partner.” The process takes time, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable again. But the reward is a marriage that is stronger and more intimate than before.

Key Steps to Rebuilding Trust

1. The offending spouse makes a full confession and demonstrates true repentance through changed behavior over time.
2. The hurt spouse chooses to forgive, while understanding that trust must be rebuilt gradually.
3. The offending spouse takes concrete steps to demonstrate their trustworthiness, such as allowing accountability, cutting off contact with the person they betrayed the spouse with, attending counseling, and consistently following through on their word.
4. The couple communicates openly and honestly about the betrayal, the pain it caused, and their hopes for the future.
5. The couple keeps God at the center of their marriage, prays together, reads the Bible together, and seeks godly counsel.
6. Both spouses are willing to be vulnerable again and take risks to rebuild trust, relying on God’s strength to guide them.

With God’s help and a commitment to the relationship, a Christian couple can rebuild trust and emerge with a stronger, more intimate marriage. As Christian counselor Bellevue Christian Counseling states, “Trust is a binding force in any intimate relationship and must be present in order for love to occur.” By following these steps and relying on God’s grace, a couple can restore that trust and experience the joy and security of a marriage built on a foundation of faith.