Recognizing and Transforming Unhealthy Relationships

When we enter into a relationship, we bring not only our love and warmth but also the attitudes, behaviors and habits from all previous relationships. Each of these relationships molded and formed us into the people we are today. Perhaps our most significant relationship was the one we had with our parent(s). The way in which they parented us had a tremendous effect in shaping the person we have become; the way we react to others and even parent our children.

Some of us came from unhealthy/dysfunctional homes while others were raised in healthy/functional environments. In order to recognize any unhealthy patterns in ourselves, it is often helpful to take an objective look at the way in which we were parented.

 (This evaluation is not for the purpose of placing blame but to clarify what behavior patterns we may need to work on in our own lives.)

Four Basic Parenting Styles

1. Dominant. Lots of rules; rigid; over-controlling; unrealistic standards; little warmth, affection or love.
2. Neglectful. Few rules; little love, uncaring; leave the parenting to others; little emotional support; little interest in child’s day-to-day life.
3. Permissive. Very loving but few rules; Lots of warmth, support; inconsistent with rules and limits.
4. Balanced. Defined rules with an equal amount of love; affectionate; supportive; rules are explained as well as consequences.

Note: Any parent can display degrees of all four parenting styles in a single day. The most successful parent operates in the balanced style, exhibiting equal amounts of love and limits.

What are the Effects on the Child?

Dominant Parent

1. Teaches the child to engage in disruptive behavior in order to gain attention.
2. Fosters a lack of self-respect.
3. Gives a child reason to withdraw and stop communicating.
4. Promotes unwillingness to stick to the rules and obey authority.
5. Results in loud, aggressive and demanding behavior.

Neglectful Parent

1. Teaches children to view themselves as being burdens instead of blessings.
2. Fosters insecurity.
3. Gives a child the feeling of being alone and abandoned.
4. Promotes rebelliousness and disruptive behavior in a desperate bid for attention.
5. Results in very little motivation to succeed in school, life…

Permissive Parent

1. Teaches the child to associate “softness” with “weakness,” and they often begin acting-out in search of balance.
2. Fosters insecurity.
3. Gives children low self-esteem by teaching them a lack of self-control.
4. Encourages manipulative behavior.
5. Results in children that are unable to take responsibility for their actions.

Balanced Parent

1. Fosters self-respect in child.
2. Fosters a healthy self-esteem.
3. Gives a child a sense of security.
4. Promotes open lines of communication that reduce tension, add stability and help prevent rebellion.
5. Results in a willingness to obey rules and authority.

Note: Once you understand each of these parenting styles, you might begin to notice unhealthy characteristics in your current personal relationships. Unhealthy behavior is often deeply rooted in our lives as a direct result of the way we were parented.

Five Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship

1. Not allowed to think. Ignored, opinions put down
2. Not allowed to talk. Judged, cut off, criticized
3. Not allowed to feel. Feelings invalid, your problems minimized
4. Not connected. Do not feel close emotionally.
5. Not allowed boundaries.
6. No privacy or boundaries.

Five Characteristics of an Healthy Relationship

1. Encouraged to think. Ideas and insights are valuable; views are listened to
2. Encouraged to talk. Participates in discussions and decisions.
3. Encouraged to feel. Allowed to express feelings
4. Encouraged to connect. Feel close knit; spend quality time together
5. Encouraged to develop boundaries. Guard and protect one another’s boundaries and privacy.

How Do I Transform Unhealthy Behavior?

1. Recognize mistakes.
2. Be willing to admit your faults to the one(s) you have hurt.
3. Repent of sinful behaviors.
4. Determine in your heart to make the needed changes that will promote healthy relationships.
5. Consistently practice the new, godly behaviors. Change is a process that occurs when we consistently implement the new, desired behaviors.
6. Accountability. Ask your family to hold you accountable. When you blow it make sure they know it’s okay to bring it to your attention.

© Copyright 2022, North Alabama Christian Counseling, LLC, All rights reserved.