A relationship check in is a simple, intentional practice where a couple pauses regular life to ask, “How are we really doing together?” It is a structured, grace filled conversation designed to strengthen connection, address tensions early, and realign the relationship with shared values and commitments. For Christian couples, it is also a practical way to obey the call to love one another earnestly, speak the truth in love, and pursue peace in the home.

What is a relationship check in

At its core, a relationship check in is a regularly scheduled conversation focused on the health of the relationship, not on logistics or to do lists. It is different from casual talk because it is:

  • Planned in advance, not squeezed in reactively.

  • Protected from distractions such as phones, television, or multitasking.

  • Framed around listening, understanding, and adjusting, not venting or winning.

Couples choose a rhythm that fits their season. Some do brief weekly check ins, others prefer a longer monthly conversation, and some use both, a short weekly touchpoint plus a deeper monthly review. The time is set apart specifically to ask how each person is doing, how the relationship is doing, and what is needed from one another in this season.

When this is done with humility and love, this simple habit can prevent many small irritations from hardening into resentment and distance.

Why relationship check ins matter

Many couples do not drift apart through one catastrophic event, but through a series of small, unspoken disappointments. Schedules crowd out connection. Misunderstandings pile up. Hurts go underground. Eventually, one or both spouses feel alone in the marriage. Regular check ins work against that drift in several important ways.

First, they create a predictable space for emotional honesty. Knowing there is a safe, scheduled time to talk makes it easier to hold concerns loosely instead of exploding in the moment. When a spouse says, “You never listen,” they often mean, “We do not have a time where I know I will be heard.”

Second, check ins help couples name issues while they are still small. A repeated tone of disrespect, a growing busyness at work, or a pattern of withdrawal can be addressed when it is still relatively easy to correct. Once patterns are entrenched, they require much more effort and repentance to untangle.

Third, they strengthen empathy and understanding. When each spouse listens to the other person’s experience, without immediately defending or correcting, hearts soften. Even if a problem cannot be fixed quickly, such as illness, financial strain, or a difficult child, being truly understood often relieves much of the emotional burden.

Finally, for believers, regular check ins are a way to practice the “one another” commands of Scripture within marriage. Couples bear one another’s burdens, forgive, encourage, and build each other up. The check in becomes a deliberate act of stewardship over the relationship God has entrusted to them.

How to structure a relationship check in

A check in does not need to be complicated, but some structure helps it stay safe and fruitful. A simple framework might look like this.

  1. Prepare your hearts

Choose a time when you are reasonably rested and not rushed. Agree ahead of time on how long you will talk, for example twenty to forty five minutes. For Christian couples, begin with brief prayer, asking the Lord for humility, gentleness, and wisdom.

  1. Start with gratitude

Each spouse shares a few specific things they appreciated about the other in the past week or month. Focus on concrete behaviors. For example, “I appreciated that you took the car in without me asking,” or “Thank you for being patient with me when I was stressed.” This sets a positive tone and reminds both that the relationship is more than its weaknesses.

  1. Share how you are doing

Take turns answering questions such as how you have been feeling lately, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Where have you felt close to your spouse this week, and where have you felt distant or hurt. The listening spouse’s job is to listen, not fix. Simple responses such as “I hear you,” or “Tell me more,” can be powerful.

  1. Address tensions or concerns

Gently bring up specific areas of difficulty. For example, “When you came home late without sending a message, I felt unimportant,” or “I have been feeling overwhelmed with the house and could use more help.” Focus on “I felt” and “I need” statements rather than “You always” or “You never.” Stay on one or two issues, not every problem in the marriage.

  1. Make requests and small commitments

Each spouse can answer what is one thing you need more of from me this week or this month. What is one small change we can each make that would help. Keep commitments realistic and specific. For example, “I will put my phone away after eight in the evening,” or “Let us pray together three nights this week.”

  1. Close with hope and prayer

End by affirming your commitment to one another. Say simple things like, “I am glad I am married to you,” or “We are on the same team.” Pray briefly, thanking God for the good, asking help for the hard, and committing your marriage to His care.

Attitudes that make check ins work

The structure matters, but the heart matters more. Several attitudes make relationship check ins life giving rather than draining.

  • Humility, a willingness to admit wrong, receive feedback, and change.

  • Gentleness, choosing kind words, a softer tone, and self control, even when hurt.

  • Honesty, refusing to pretend everything is fine when it is not, but speaking truth in love.

  • Patience, recognizing that some patterns took years to form and will take time to change.

  • A team mindset, remembering that the issue is the two of you versus the problem, not one of you versus the other.

When one spouse is more verbal and the other more reserved, it can help to agree that both will share at least something. The quieter spouse might start with one feeling and one request rather than a long explanation. Over time, trust grows and sharing becomes easier.

Common obstacles and how to handle them

Even couples who like the idea of relationship check ins often struggle with practical obstacles.

One common obstacle is the feeling of not having time. Often this really means that the practice has not been prioritized. Even fifteen or twenty minutes once a week can make a difference. Consider tying the check in to an existing routine, such as Sunday evening after the children are in bed, a regular walk, or a shared cup of coffee.

Another difficulty is that conversations sometimes turn into arguments. If talks escalate quickly, you may need clearer rules. Agree not to interrupt, not to call names, and not to bring up past issues that have already been addressed. If either spouse feels overwhelmed, take a short break and resume when both are calmer. Remember that the purpose of the check in is understanding first and solutions second.

Some spouses are reluctant to participate at all. In that case, avoid pressuring or shaming. Instead, share your heart. For example, “I want us to grow closer, and a regular time to talk would really help me feel connected to you.” Start very small, perhaps once a month, or a brief conversation about the highs and lows of the week. Show that you are willing to change as well by being more approachable, less critical, and quick to express appreciation.

Sometimes check ins uncover deep wounds that you cannot resolve in a short conversation. Issues such as past betrayal, addiction, or trauma may require outside help. In those cases, the check in can still be a place to say, “This is still painful,” while also acknowledging the need for pastoral care or counseling. Use the time to pray together and to agree on wise next steps, rather than trying to solve everything at once.

Adapting the practice to different seasons

Relationship check ins will look different for newlyweds, parents of young children, empty nesters, and older couples, but the core purpose remains the same.

Newlyweds may need frequent, shorter check ins as they adjust to shared life and learn one another’s habits and expectations. Parents of young children may need to protect even brief pockets of time, accepting that the ideal quiet setting is rare but the effort still matters. Empty nest couples can use check ins to rediscover one another, address patterns that were hidden by busyness, and plan new shared purposes. Older couples might focus more on health, legacy, and spiritual encouragement, using the time to support each other through aging and changing roles.

In every season, the question is not, “Can we do this perfectly,” but, “How can we, in this season, regularly turn toward each other rather than away.”

Bringing the gospel into relationship check ins

For Christian couples, relationship check ins are not merely communication techniques. They are expressions of discipleship. The gospel shapes both how we speak and how we listen.

Because Christ has forgiven us, we can confess sin to one another without despair. Because God is patient with us, we can be patient when change in our spouse is slow. Because we are loved unconditionally by God, we do not demand that our spouse meet every need perfectly.

Bringing Scripture, prayer, and repentance into these conversations keeps them from becoming self centered scorekeeping. Instead of, “Here is everything you do wrong,” the heart becomes, “Here is how we can grow together to reflect Christ more clearly in our home.”

Over time, relationship check ins can become a quiet but powerful rhythm. A small, regular turning toward one another that, by God’s grace, guards the marriage covenant in a world that constantly pulls couples apart.