Temporary Separation: A Christian Approach to Marital Restoration

As a Christian counselor, one of the most painful situations I encounter is when a married couple is considering separation or divorce. It breaks my heart to see the devastating impact this has on the individuals, their children, and their witness for Christ. At the same time, I recognize we live in a fallen world where even Christian marriages sometimes reach a breaking point.

So the key question becomes – is there ever a biblical justification for a Christian couple to separate? While I believe divorce should only be considered in the most serious circumstances, I do think there are times when a temporary separation may be warranted and even wise. However, this should never be a decision made lightly or hastily. Here are some principles I use to counsel couples who are wrestling with this issue:

First and foremost, as Christians our ultimate authority must be the Word of God, not our feelings or the opinions of the world. The Bible is clear that God’s ideal is for a man and woman to leave their parents, cleave to each other, and become one flesh for life (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-6). What God has joined together, man should not separate.

The apostle Paul reiterates this in his instructions to the Corinthian church: “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11) The normal pattern for Christian couples is to stay together. Separation is presented as an exception, not the rule.

However, the Bible does acknowledge that in this sinful world, divorce and separation do sometimes occur, even among God’s people. Jesus himself allowed for divorce in cases of sexual immorality: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) And Paul says if an unbelieving spouse abandons a believer, the believer is “not enslaved” and presumably free to remarry (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Most Bible-believing Christians and churches recognize adultery and abandonment as biblical grounds for divorce. But what about cases of physical or emotional abuse? Here the guidance is less explicit. God clearly hates violence and oppression, and calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). An abusive spouse is violating their marriage vows in a profound way.

While divorce should be avoided if at all possible, I believe separation is biblically permissible and even necessary when a spouse or children are in physical danger. Temporary separation can provide safety while the abusive spouse gets help and demonstrates a track record of change. The goal is always restoration of the marriage if possible, but protecting the abused must be the first priority.

There may be other extreme situations where separation is warranted as well, such as a spouse’s unrepentant infidelity, substance abuse, severe mental illness, or desertion. If a husband or wife refuses to fulfill their biblical responsibilities in the marriage and shows no signs of changing, a temporary separation may be the only wake-up call that gets their attention. It can be an act of “tough love.”

However, let me be clear that separation should only be a last resort after all other options have been exhausted – prayer, counseling, confronting sin, allowing time for repentance, etc. Couples should do everything possible to heal their marriage, rather than running to separation as an easy out. In most troubled marriages, I believe God wants to teach us to love unconditionally, forgive freely, and persevere through difficulties.

If a separation does become necessary, it’s critical that it be done with the right heart attitude and goals. It should not be punitive or a prelude to divorce. Rather, the purpose of a biblical separation is to work toward reconciliation. Both spouses need to examine their own faults, spend concentrated time in prayer and the Word, and pursue personal spiritual growth. Professional Christian counseling is a must.

Some key guidelines for a redemptive separation:

• Establish clear boundaries and expectations, preferably in writing. How long will the separation last? What is the purpose? What issues need to be addressed by each spouse?
• Maintain regular communication and coordinated efforts to work on the marriage, even while living separately. Meet consistently with a counselor and/or trusted spiritual advisors.
• Avoid dating or pursuing new romantic relationships. The goal is reconciliation with your spouse.
• Ensure children are supported and not put in the middle. Maintain as much stability and access to both parents as possible.
• Use the time constructively to grow closer to God and become the man or woman He wants you to be. Even if your spouse is not changing, you can.

Ultimately, I believe the only fully biblical reasons for a permanent separation (divorce) are the ones given in Scripture – adultery and abandonment by an unbeliever. Even then, divorce is not required, only permitted. God can and does heal marriages ravaged by infidelity, abuse, and addiction – if both spouses submit to Him. Forgiveness and reconciliation should always be the goal.

However, having counseled hundreds of couples over the years, I know situations arise that are messy and heart-wrenching. I’ve seen spouses who have been unfaithful, abusive or addicted remain unrepentant for years, despite a husband or wife’s fervent prayers and efforts to save the marriage. In cases like these, I believe God releases the faithful spouse from the marriage bond and the obligation to remain in a dysfunctional, destructive relationship.

If you find yourself in a situation where separation or divorce seems like the only option, I urge you to first saturate the situation in prayer. Seek godly counsel from your pastor and spiritually mature advisors. Take a fearless inventory of your own faults and sincerely repent. And if a separation becomes necessary, keep your eyes on God and pursue reconciliation until He releases you.

Remember, God’s heart is always for redemption and restoration. What the enemy intends for evil, God can use for good. I’ve seen God do miracles in marriages that seemed utterly hopeless from a human perspective. At the same time, He gives us the free will to obey or rebel – and we cannot control another person’s choices.

As a Christian counselor, my prayer for struggling couples is that they will fight tenaciously for their marriage and do the hard work of biblical love and forgiveness. At the same time, I know God’s grace is sufficient even when a marriage dies. He can redeem and bring beauty out of the ashes of a broken covenant. If you are walking through a separation or divorce, know that God sees you, loves you, and wants to walk closely with you on the path to healing and wholeness.