Categories: MarriageRelationships

Stop Reacting, Start Responding

When you’re having a disagreement with your spouse, you have two choices: You can respond or react. Reacting is a reflexive, defense mechanism that kicks in to protect our ego. We react because we sense that we are being misunderstood, dissed, criticized, corrected, or attacked. Reactions are typically impulsive (i.e., “shoot from the hip”) and negative (i.e., give back in like kind or shut down), which make the situation worse. Reactions are conveyed by words, body language, tone of voice, and behavior.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword” Proverbs 12:18.

Responding is entirely different. Rather than escalate the tension, we tap our emotional brakes, which gives us time to formulate a tactful response. Responding to a reactionary spouse often calms the discussion and increases the likelihood of a good outcome.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger’” Prov. 15:1

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” Prov. 29:11

Which of the two characterizes you when there is a disagreement or conflict? Do you react by attacking or shutting down, or do you exercise self-control and respond constructively? Unfortunately, most of us live in the moment without considering the consequences of our behavior. We impulsively fire off at our spouse because our pride is wounded. Most of the time we do not intend to hurt our mate, but our negative reactions still have a destructive effect on the relationship.

“See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!” Prov. 3:5

How To Respond Rather than React:

Basic Assumptions:

Accept the fact that you have a spiritual and moral responsibility to build up your spouse.
Accept the fact that negative reactions are sinful and tear down your spouse. Although it is natural for us to defend our wounded pride, don’t go there. It’s fleshly to fight back or shut down. And don’t excuse yourself because of your spouse’s behavior. You will only make a bad situation worse.
Accept the fact that you can regulate your thoughts and emotions. You do not have to verbalize everything you think or feel. You can put on your emotional brakes through self-control. If you lack self-control, ask the Holy Spirit for his help.

‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” James 1:19

Pause and name your pain (e.g., hurt, angry, threatened, humiliated, wounded, insulted, criticized)
Resist the impulse to retaliate (i.e., Ask the Holy Spirit for his help; think of the negative consequences)
Tap your emotional brakes (i.e., Don’t let it control you—you control it; Time out if you are flooded)
Form a response or clarify (i.e., “What do you mean by…”)
Use an “I message” (i.e., “ I felt insulted when you rolled your eyes; that you don’t value my opinion. I’d really like to find a solution to our financial problem.”)