1. Expect emotional discomfort. Resentment and negative feelings may have accumulated over time because your problems have not been dealt with properly. It’s time to address the issues despite the discomfort.
  2. Avoid the blame game. Pointing fingers at your spouse always leads to defensiveness and a breakdown in communication. Take responsibility for the hurt you have caused. (The counselor will not act as a judge or referee. He/she will help you see your part in the conflict.) 
  3. Tell the truth. A failure to be honest will quickly sabotage marriage counseling. If you agree to be completely honest, your spouse must provide a safe and secure environment. There can be no retaliation or vindictiveness for telling the truth.
  4. Stay calm and respectful. Getting angry and loud will only shutdown communication. Do not interrupt or overtalk the other person. Disagree without lashing out. Avoid making accusations.
  5. No stonewalling. Do not shut down and retreat into silence. Stay in the conversation.
  6. Agree to disagree. If you are at an impasse, temporarily agree to disagree. Table the issue and revisit it at the next session. Keep the counseling process moving.
  7. If you’re wrong, admit it. Don’t let your pride get in the way of admitting you’re wrong. Confess your fault(s) to your mate and ask for forgiveness.
  8. Be willing to change. For the relationship to improve both spouses must change. Very rarely is just one person at fault.
  9. Be patient with the process. By the time most couples come for counseling, a lot of emotional damage has been done. Counseling is a process that takes time.
  10. Reconciliation is the goal. Marriage counseling is focused on bringing healing to the relationship. The couple become one again.

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