Marriage is a beautiful gift from God, a sacred covenant designed to reflect Christ’s love for the church. However, even Christian couples can fall into unhealthy patterns and make mistakes that strain their relationship. Here are ten common mistakes to be aware of:
Poor Communication
Communication is the lifeblood of any marriage. When couples fail to communicate openly, honestly, and lovingly, it creates an emotional distance between them. Poor communication often stems from selfish motives, unrealistic expectations, or unresolved conflicts from the past.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Christian couples must learn to speak truth with love, expressing feelings while also listening and seeking to understand each other.
Lack of Intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy are vital for a healthy Christian marriage. However, busyness, unresolved conflicts, past hurts, or mismatched intimacy needs can lead to a lack of intimacy. This creates a void that damages the closeness and unity that a couple should share.
The Song of Songs celebrates marital intimacy, showing the beauty of physical and emotional intimacy between a husband and wife. Christian couples should nurture intimacy through quality time together, open communication about needs and desires, and keeping intimacy a priority.
Unforgiveness
Because we are imperfect people, we will inevitably hurt and offend each other in marriage. When couples hold onto bitterness, resentment, and refuse to forgive, it poisons the relationship. Unforgiveness allows hurts to fester and drives a wedge between partners.
In Ephesians 4:32, Paul instructs, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Just as Christ forgave us, we must continually choose to forgive our spouse. Forgiveness brings healing and allows a marriage to move forward.
Idolizing Marriage
While marriage is a profound blessing, it was never meant to be ultimate. Some couples unknowingly idolize their marriage, looking to their spouse to meet needs that only God can truly satisfy. This places an unrealistic burden on the relationship and the spouse.
Matthew 22:37 says the greatest commandment is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” When God is our first love and source of fulfillment, it frees us to love our spouse in a healthy, biblical way.
Lack of Spiritual Intimacy
A cord of three strands is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). When a husband and wife are not united spiritually, staying connected to God together, it weakens the spiritual foundation of their marriage. Differing spiritual priorities or a lack of spiritual intimacy through activities like prayer, Bible study, and church involvement can slowly drive a wedge between couples.
Christian marriages thrive when couples nurture not just physical and emotional intimacy, but spiritual intimacy as well. Making your spiritual walk a priority together strengthens your bond.
Selfishness
At the root of many marital problems is selfishness – putting your own needs and desires ahead of your spouse’s. This is the opposite of the self-sacrificial love modeled by Christ. When one or both spouses act selfishly, it creates an adversarial mindset of “me vs. you” instead of the “us” mentality that a godly marriage requires.
Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Dying to self for the sake of your spouse is an important key to a thriving marriage.
Lack of Boundaries with In-Laws
While the Bible instructs us to honor our parents, it also says “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife” (Genesis 2:24). Some couples fail to establish healthy boundaries with in-laws, allowing parental interference or expectations to cause division in their marriage covenant.
Husbands and wives must be united, putting their relationship first after God. This requires setting reasonable boundaries with in-laws and parents, while still showing honor and respect.
Financial Conflict
Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage. Couples may have different financial philosophies, spending habits, or views on saving, investing, and giving that cause tension. If not resolved, it can create long-lasting resentment and mistrust.
Following biblical principles for finances as a couple is crucial. This includes creating a budget together, getting on the same page about financial goals and priorities, and discussing financial decisions as partners with a spirit of unity.
Unrealistic Expectations
Many marital conflicts stem from unmet expectations – expecting your spouse to be a certain way or fulfill certain roles based on your own assumptions, not on reality. When those expectations aren’t met, it leads to disappointment, frustration, and feelings of being let down.
It’s important to discuss expectations openly before marriage, and then continue to communicate about them with a spirit of grace and understanding. No spouse is perfect, so holding them to unrealistic standards will only breed disillusionment.
Lack of Commitment
Marriage is a covenant, a sacred vow between one man, one woman, and God – until death parts them. Yet some Christian couples lack a spirit of commitment, giving up too easily when trials and difficulties arise instead of working through them together.
In Matthew 19:6, Jesus himself says “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Unwavering, covenant commitment, by God’s grace, is essential for any Christian marriage to withstand the storms of life. When rough seasons come, spouses must renew their commitment and determination to preserve their union.
By being aware of these common pitfalls, Christian couples can be on guard against them. More importantly, they can intentionally cultivate the spiritual disciplines, godly habits, and Christlike love that allow marriages to become powerful pictures of Christ’s love for the church.