Ten Ways to Mess Up Your Kid’s Life

“Discipline your children while there is hope, otherwise you will ruin their lives.” Prov. 19:18 

1. Put your child’s happiness first as the guiding value in your home

 Parenting Insights:

• Happiness is a transitory, conditional, feeling based on circumstances, it is not a value, therefore, we should not strive to build a parental relationship based on it.
• Children need parents who are Christ-centered and mature enough to make decisions based on what is best for the child, not on what will make the child happy.

Going Deeper:

• Recall a time when your parents made a decision that went against what would have made you happy.
• Recall a time when you had to make a decision for your child that did not make him or her happy.
• Recall a time when you made a decision for your child on the basis his or her happiness against your better judgment.

2. Make your child the focus of your marital relationship

Parenting Insights:

• The primary relationship in the home is the parent’s marital relationship
• A child-focused family puts anxiety on the child and takes attention away from the primary relationship in the home

Going Deeper:

• Can you identify the triangles in your family of origin?
• Has your family become a child- focused family?

3. Do things for your child that he can do for himself

Parenting Insights:

• The test of successful parenting is how well we have prepared our children to be independent, self-sufficient adults.
• The more you do for your children that they can do for themselves, the more dependent and incompetent you make them.
• The only way to nurture responsible, independent children is to give them responsibility and then hold them accountable.

Going Deeper:

• Can you discern “over-involved” behaviors on your part?
• What do you imagine will be the consequences to you and your child if this pattern continues?

4. Map out your child’s life based on your own dreams and aspirations

Parenting Insights:

• Mapping out your child’s life based on your self-worth, dreams, personal reputation, and personal hopes in their children rob them of their destiny.
• Your job as a parent is to rear a child who will have the capacity to be his or her own person.

Going Deeper:

• Share a story about your own parents’ expectations of you as a child.
• Share a story of a time when you “failed” at something that your parents expected of you.

5. Get involved in fights between siblings

Parenting Insights:

• Parents who interfere in the developing sibling relationship of their children run the risk of alienating them from one another and keeping their relationship from developing.
• Parents need to raise their tolerance level for appropriate sibling conflict and stay out of the emerging relationships between their children.

Going Deeper:

• What are the five top things your kids fight about?
• If you don’t intervene in your kid’s conflict, what do think will happen?

6. Argue with your child

Parenting Insights:

• When you argue with your child you abdicate your parental role.
• When you argue with your child you teach him that he has the right to question your judgment and decisions every time.
• You are the parent; you have more rights and responsibilities for your child’s well-being.

Going Deeper:

• Identify a time and circumstance in which you and your child argued.
• What do you commonly argue about?
• Is the pattern in your family one where the children argue with one parent but not the other? What does that say?

7. Call on your spouse to be the disciplinarian

Parenting Insights:

• Calling on your spouse to be the family disciplinarian teaches the children that you, the parent, have no authority or power over the child.
• Calling on your spouse to be the disciplinarian keeps your family in a perpetual triangle.
• When children know that their parents are in charge it provides a sense of security and a moral center for their world.
• The parent who is present at the time of misbehavior or infraction is the parent who must administer the discipline.

Going Deeper:

• Do you tend to call on your spouse to be the disciplinarian?
• Why do make your spouse the disciplinarian?

8. Over-praise your child

Parenting Insight:

• Over-praising a child can do more harm than good.
• The “everyone gets a trophy” mentality ignores poor behavior, which can tempt children to children cheat and lie. They become unable to handle life’s difficulties.
• Praise should be specific and more about effort than ability.

Going Deeper:

• Do you over-praise your child in an effort to bolster their self-esteem?
• Are your kids involved in sports, clubs, etc. that promote the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality?

9. Insulate your child from risk

Parenting Insights:

• Rescuing your kids too quickly and not letting them solve problems on their own prevents them from experiencing normal failures or pain (a breakup or a skinned knee), which can develop into anxiety, arrogant attitude, or low self-esteem.

Going Deeper:

• Are you a “helicopter” parent?
• Identify a time that you rescued your child rather than let him suffer the consequences of his behavior.

10. Spoil your child

Parenting Insights:

• Consistently giving a child what he wants rather than what he needs leads to excessive, self-centered, and immature behavior. It includes lack of consideration for other people, recurrent temper tantrums, an inability to delay gratification, and demanding or manipulating to get his own way.
• Spoiling a child is the failure of the parents to enforce consistent, age-appropriate limits.

Going Deeper:

• Are you guilty of spoiling your child? What do you think is your motive?
• Do you observe excessive, self-centered, and immature behavior in any of your children?

 

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