The Difficulties of Blended Families

Blended families, formed through remarriage after divorce or the death of a spouse, are increasingly common in the church today. In fact, approximately one-third of all weddings in America form stepfamilies. While blended families can be a wonderful example of God’s redemptive love, the reality is that the unique dynamics and challenges they face often lead to significant struggles. For Christian blended families striving to honor God and thrive together, it’s critical to understand the reasons behind their difficulties.

Blended families are birthed from loss

One of the foundational reasons blended families struggle is that they are birthed out of some form of loss – whether that’s the death of a spouse or a divorce. As one author puts it, “The stepfamily is born of loss, failure, hurt, and grief. Everyone needs comforting.” Unlike first marriages, remarried couples and their children carry wounds, grief, and complicated emotions into the new family unit from the start.

The dream of the original biological family has died, and that is deeply painful for children at any age. They need time and space to grieve this loss. Parents are also grieving and processing major life changes. Launching into a new marriage and family while these wounds are still raw makes it difficult for family members to bond and can strain the couple’s relationship as they try to help their children heal while still establishing their new marriage.

Merging two family cultures is complicated

Another major reason for struggles is the challenge of merging two distinct family cultures. The children are not only processing the loss of their original family, but they are now being asked to blend their ingrained lifestyle, traditions, and value system with a whole new family. Everything from simple daily routines to major life priorities may be different, causing disorientation and conflict.

Additionally, the parent-child relationships predate the new marriage, so children can feel like outsiders invading their space. Navigating parenting roles is tricky as the biological parent and children have a tight bond while the new stepparent is still building trust and attachment. The lack of shared family history makes it harder to gel as a unified family.

Heightened stress on the marriage relationship

All of these dynamics place tremendous stress on the new marriage. As one author notes, “the weakest link in the blended family is the marriage relationship.” With children in the mix from the start, the couple has little time to bond before facing the complexities of stepfamily life. Unresolved pain from previous relationships can flare up. Parenting conflicts are common, with kids sometimes caught between two homes with different rules.

Financial strain often factors in, with income stretched to support separate households. Couples can become so child-focused that they neglect their own relationship. While all marriages require work, the pressures are exponentially greater for blended family couples. Without strong unity and good communication, the odds of divorce are high, causing further pain for the children.

Integrating into the church community can be harder

Blended families often find it more difficult to put down roots in their church community. With children splitting time between two households, they may frequently miss youth group events, Sunday School, and other church activities, making it harder to build long-term friendships.

Some blended families feel pressure to appear like a “perfect” traditional biological family at church to avoid stigma or judgment. The shame many carry from their past divorce or family breakdown can increase a sense of isolation and make them hesitant to seek help. Pastors and church members may not know how to relate to their unique needs. As a result, blended families can struggle to feel fully welcomed and supported in the church.

Relying on God’s strength and wisdom

Integrating a blended family is a long journey that is more like “slow-cooking in a crockpot” rather than quick blending in a kitchen mixer. Experts say it can take five to seven years for a blended family to truly bond. That doesn’t mean there won’t be love and joy along the way, but it requires an extra measure of patience, understanding, and reliance on God’s grace.

Christian blended families need to keep their marriage relationship a top priority and make time to bond as a couple. They must become a united team in lovingly leading their home. Consistent family routines and open communication are key, with children’s concerns heard and validated. Stepparents should let relationships with stepchildren develop naturally without forced expectations.

Most of all, blended families need to rely on God’s strength, not their own. They must extend forgiveness and grace to one another daily, as Christ does for us. Finding support through counseling, books, and mentoring relationships with other blended families is also invaluable. With realistic expectations, biblical foundations, and a posture of humility and faith, God can write a redemptive story through the struggles.

As one stepmom shares: “God has a heart for the blended family. By the power of His Spirit He can break down walls and build lasting bonds, girded together by unconditional love.” Though the journey is undeniably difficult at times, Christian blended families have an opportunity to showcase the beauty of the Gospel – that God can bring hope and healing to any brokenness and make all things new.