Something’s changed in the world of dating, and if you’ve been paying attention—either as a parent, or just a friend—it’s getting harder to ignore. The dance that once began with an awkward hello, a nervous question, or an invitation to coffee seems to have lost its music. Increasingly, men simply aren’t approaching women anymore.

This isn’t just one person’s hunch or some grumpy nostalgia for “the good old days.” It’s a real, widespread trend—one that’s left women puzzled, men wary, and the whole landscape of dating a little more silent and uncertain. There’s even a phrase for it: “the end of pursuit.”

How did we get here, and what are the ripple effects? Most importantly, does Scripture have any wisdom for Christians who feel lost in the new etiquette—or absence—of dating? Let’s cut through the noise with honesty and hope, and see what God’s perspective might be.

How the Approach Became “Creepy”

For generations, it was pretty clear—at least in American culture: Men were “the pursuers.” A young man who liked a young woman was expected to take a risk, initiate conversation, maybe even declare his intentions. The boldness to cross the room, say hello, or ask for a date was treated as a marker of maturity, courage, or, depending on nerves and fashion sense, comic relief.

Today, however, even the most innocent attempts at a greeting can be met with suspicion—or outright hostility. Social media swirls with stories of “creepy” encounters, viral posts warn women to keep their guard up, and entire generations have absorbed the message: If a man approaches, he might be crossing a line.

Is it any wonder many men are sitting this one out? It’s not just about fear of rejection; there’s genuine anxiety about being labeled a bother, a perp, or worse. Some men admit they “don’t know the rules anymore.” For many, the possible cost of misunderstanding outweighs the hope of connection. They wait for an unmistakable green light—or give up entirely.

Women are Still Waiting

So here’s the twist: while some women genuinely appreciate not having to field unwanted advances, many more are left scratching their heads. Why aren’t men saying hello? Why is nobody making the first move? In counseling offices and conversations, I hear the same refrain: “If men aren’t pursuing, how am I supposed to know if he’s interested? Is something wrong with me?”

It turns out, the script hasn’t changed as much for women. Most still expect the man to initiate, to risk the first step, to let his interest be known. In the absence of pursuit, everyone ends up adrift—a sea of singles liking each other’s photos but never interacting in real life.

Dating Apps: The Illusion of Connection

One could argue that dating apps were supposed to make it easier. In reality, they’ve introduced a different kind of passivity. Algorithms match people based on looks or interests, reducing pursuit to a swipe and a message. For many, the thrill and validation of “matches” replace the challenge of face-to-face risk.

But ask around and you’ll find that, in most cases, even online, women still expect men to send the first message. And in real life? The silence is deafening.

What Did Pursuit Ever Really Mean?

From a Christian perspective, pursuit is much more than just asking someone out. At its best, it’s an echo of the way God seeks after us. Scripture is full of stories where love means initiative, where hope means taking the risk to reach out.

Genesis describes God “seeking” Adam and Eve after the fall, calling to them in the garden. Jesus tells stories of shepherds searching for lost sheep, fathers running to prodigal sons, and a Savior who leaves heaven to rescue us. We are loved by a God who moves toward us, even when we’re hesitant or hiding.

It’s no accident that, historically, the call for men to pursue women has been woven into the Christian vision of marriage and romance. Ephesians 5 challenges husbands to love as Christ loves the church—a love that initiates, sacrifices, and serves. The pursuit isn’t about dominance or control; it’s about courage, humility, and a willingness to risk vulnerability for the hope of deeper connection.

Why Are Men Holding Back Now?

Let’s be honest: fear is a powerful motivator. For many men, the risk now seems too great. Rejection hurts, but public shaming or being labeled as “creepy” is even worse. The abundance of stories about bad male behavior has made many otherwise kind, sincere men doubt themselves, or at least their place in the world of dating.

Add to that decades of cultural messaging that masculinity itself is suspect, or at least potentially hazardous. Mix in a steady diet of stories about court cases, canceled careers, and awkward viral moments, and it’s not hard to see why a lot of guys would prefer to play it extra safe.

Some men have simply never seen pursuit modeled well. If they didn’t grow up with fathers, brothers, or uncles who taught them how to treat women with honor and courage, how are they supposed to know where pursuit ends and pestering begins?

Women Are Losing, Too

But pursuit isn’t just about men. When men hold back, women suffer—not because they’re needy or weak, but because they long to be seen and chosen. There’s a deep, biblical yearning in the human heart to be pursued, valued, and wooed—not just found convenient or available.

It’s not sinful for a woman to want to be approached. God made romantic interest—a desire to love and be loved, to be noticed and cherished—as part of his good design. It’s not “regressive” for women to hope men step up; it’s a reflection of how relationships have flourished for centuries.

What’s at Stake?

If the current trend continues, we risk something bigger than a few awkward silences at coffee shops. We risk a whole generation missing out on the powerful, formative experience of risk, rejection, and eventual reward that comes with pursuing and being pursued.

Relationships grow through courage—by choosing to act rather than waiting to be acted upon. When no one moves, nothing happens. Loneliness becomes the norm, and marriages that might have been never begin.

For the church, this is more than a dating dilemma. It’s a discipleship crisis. How will men and women learn to practice the sacrificial love, honest communication, and gentle boldness that marriage requires if they never even get to “hello”?

Can Women Pursue?

Of course, some will ask: Why not flip the script? Can’t women make the first move, start the conversation, send the signal? Absolutely! The Bible is full of strong women doing the unexpected—Ruth is a wonderful story of a woman taking initiative.

That said, the desire to be pursued is deeply rooted for many women, and the call to pursue is a challenge many men need for their growth. There’s room for wisdom, flexibility, and grace here, but we shouldn’t shame those who hope for something lasting, something ordered, and even a bit traditional.

A Christian Call to Rediscover Pursuit

So, what can we do? How can we nurture a culture where good men feel empowered to pursue, and women feel worthy of pursuit?

  1. Model Healthy Pursuit

    • Let’s show, not just tell, what godly pursuit looks like. Men need older men—fathers, uncles, pastors, counselors—to demonstrate initiative wrapped in respect, courage guided by kindness.

  2. Teach Mutual Respect and Courage

    • Women, when approached with sincerity, can respond kindly even if uninterested. Encouraging men doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior, but it does mean recognizing the cost of every hello.

  3. Reframe “Rejection” and Fear

    • We need to coach both men and women to see pursuit and rejection not as threats to self-worth, but as natural steps toward growth and ultimately, maturity in Christ.

  4. Remind Men of Their Calling

    • Men, God designed you not for passivity, but courage. Initiating isn’t just for romance; it’s a life skill that carries over to work, ministry, and fatherhood. Don’t let fear rob you of your calling to protect, provide, and pursue—first God, then others.

  5. Affirm the Value of Being Pursued

    • Women, your desire to be pursued is not trivial. You are worth effort, intention, and initiative. Don’t settle for passivity or forgo the hope of pursuit, but also, be open to grace if the approach is awkward or imperfect!

  6. Make the Church a Place for Connection

    • Let’s make Christian community a place free from shaming—where men and women can get to know each other in safe, supportive, and intentional ways. The church is uniquely equipped to offer a counter-narrative of respect, risk, and real connection.

In the End: Pursuit Reflects the Gospel

Above all, our hope and example come from Christ Himself. He did not wait for us to find Him. He pursued us—leaving heaven to come after the lost, paying the ultimate price for our redemption. That is the shape of all real pursuit: sacrificial, patient, persistent, and always grounded in love.

If you’re a young man reading this: yes, the world is confusing. Yes, the risks of saying hello are real. But faith is risky, love is risky, and growth always means stepping outside your comfort zone. You might stumble, get rejected, make mistakes, and feel foolish. You will also grow, and perhaps, one day, discover the joy of love respected and returned.

Women: Don’t give up on hope or settle for a world without pursuit. Encourage courage, celebrate initiative, and know you are worth more than silence. Pray for the men in your life, and offer grace when they try and fall short.

And church, families, mentors—let’s not give in to fear or cynicism. Let’s build up the next generation with wisdom, patience, and the example of Christ.

Because the end of pursuit is not the end of love. Let’s take the risk, trust in grace, and let God write a better story—one hello at a time.