The Five Most Common Arguments Couples Have About Money

“Jesus said to his disciples, “There was once a rich man who had a manager. He got reports that the manager had been taking advantage of his position by running up huge personal expenses. So he called him in and said, ‘What’s this I hear about you? You’re fired. And I want a complete audit of your books.’” Luke 16:1-2

It comes as no surprise that arguing about money is one of the most common arguments married couples experience. But when a couple continually argues about money, it puts a tremendous strain on their relationship.

Before addressing the five most common arguments about money, we need to understand that every person has a distinct way of thinking about and dealing with money. This is called your “money personality type” (primary and secondary). As you might guess, conflict about money arises when couples do not share the same money personality type; that is, they are not on the same page about money issues. The following are the five money personality types:

1. Saver (loves to save money)
2. Spender (loves to spend money)
3. Risk-Taker (comfortable taking risks to make money)
4. Security-Seeker (conservative with money, not into taking risks
5. Debtor (comfortable using credit)
6. Flyer (doesn’t pay much attention to finances)

Five Most Common Money Disagreements

1. Savers Versus Spenders

Arguments often arise because Savers may appear to be the responsible partner, while the Spender is viewed as irresponsible; he or she spends the family’s resources. This, however, is not always the case. A Saver, for example, can be miserly while a Spender appropriately uses the family’s financial assets. Bear in mind that there isn’t a right or wrong money personality type. There are strengths and weaknesses in both money personalities.

2. Dueling Over Debt

Many couples find themselves overextended with credit card debt. Usually this problem results from having different perspectives on how to use credit. It’s easy to get into debt, but often a long and difficult process to get out of debt. One thing is certain: debt puts an incredible amount of pressure on a couple. So, it’s no surprise that disagreements will come up when there is debt.

3. Risk-takers Versus Security Seekers

Another common source of disagreement about money comes from the differing perspectives on how to approach earning more money. For example, one spouse is a Risk-taker (aggressive and assertive, willing to risk money to make money) while the other spouse is a Security-seeker (conservative and cautious regarding the use of money). When these perspectives are different in spouses, it means that each spouse has a different tolerance level for taking risks with money. One spouse may say, “Go for it!” while the other spouse may say, “Hold your horses. We need to think this through.”

4. Exasperating Expectations

Couples bring all kinds of differing expectations to their marriages and differing expectations with regard to money is no different. There may be differences in expectations regarding how much to save, how to use credit, how much money to give to charitable organizations, what finances to set aside for retirement, college funds, or taking care of elderly parents. Additionally, couples may differ on some other basic expectations such as how much income each spouse will contribute, who will take care of the family finances, and the amount of money spouses are free to spend without consulting each other. Needless to say, where expectations differ, disagreements are likely to occur.

5. Flying Blind

Some spouses, and even some couples, “fly blind” when it comes to finances. They have little or no interest in keeping track of finances or simply don’t want to deal with them. When this happens, the family finances can become muddled and end up in disarray, leading to disagreements between spouses.

How to Move Toward Agreement


Regardless of your money personality, moving towards agreement is key to a healthier family financial picture and a happier marriage. Here are some simple steps to get you and your spouse on the road to agreement:

• Seek Understanding. Identify your own primary and secondary money personality. Then identify your spouse’s primary and secondary money personality. It’s amazing what improvement can come from simply understanding yourself and your spouse. Be sure to give your spouse “space and grace.” Allow your spouse to be the person God has created him or her to be. This doesn’t mean avoiding money issues or not confronting extreme behaviors, but it does mean that we need to make sure we aren’t trying to change our spouses into carbon copies of ourselves.
• Communicate. Disagreements over money can cause couples to withdraw and avoid talking about financial issues. It doesn’t matter what state your finances are in, start talking together! Admit your own mistakes and move on. If emotions run high on a money issue, don’t press immediately. Give some space, and talk about it when feelings have calmed down. It’s never too late to start talking!

• Compromise and Balance. None of us gets everything we want in life, in marriage, or in family finances. That’s okay. Learn to compromise and seek balance with your spouse. Opposing money personalities, with a little work, can actually complement one another, and make for a healthier, happier marriage. For example, if you are a Saver, and your spouse is a Spender, and you have adequate financial resources, set aside a piece of your budget that allows your Spender some freedom to spend. Or, if you are a Spender, and your spouse is a Saver, make sure that you are willing to compromise and see that your spouse’s need to save is adequately addressed.

 

 

© Copyright 2022, North Alabama Christian Counseling, LLC, All Rights Reserved.