The Gift of Honor

The Gift of Honor

In working with couples over the last 35 years, I have discovered that there is one essential quality a husband and wife must possess in order to have a great relationship. What is it? The ability to give the gift of honor to one another.

Feeling worthwhile as an individual is a universal human need. We all long for the acceptance and approval of others that validates us as a person. Gary Smalley, nationally known writer and speaker on marriage has said, “Men will do almost anything to gain the admiration of others. They will eternally search for someone to respect them.”¹ The truth of the matter is that being honored and held in high esteem energizes and motivates us all. Who can deny the deep satisfaction that we experience when another person voluntarily lifts up our worth, value, and potential as a parent, friend, or employee? We are never more willing to remove our protective layers than when we are enveloped in an atmosphere of genuine respect and appreciation.

Mutual respect is the essential, relational quality that cultivates growth in a marriage. It creates the rich soil in which love can grow. The unfortunate reality is that too many couples are the least honoring and respectful to the ones they love the most. In the midst of hurt, frustration, anger, or disappointment it is all too easy to react in a dishonoring and disrespectful manner. They become mired in painful conflicts that eventually tear the heart out of their relationship.

One of the strongest findings that has emerged from research on marital relationships over the last two decades indicates that the way in which a couple handles conflict is directly related to the ultimate success or failure of their marriage. Those who react in a harsh, insensitive, and uncaring way are most likely to develop serious problems. Many couples mistakenly believe that their differences and disagreements are the source of their greatest marital problems. While it is true that differences in backgrounds and viewpoints increase the likelihood of conflict, marital success appears to be more directly related to how they handle those differences. I have observed three types of dishonoring communication that shred the emotional fabric of a marital bond: fight talk, spite talk, and control talk. ²

Fight talk is usually characterized by an attempt to force change. As anger and frustration begin to escalate, language becomes more direct, aggressive, and retaliatory. Mean, hurtful things are said. Fight talk typically erupts around unclear or frustrated expectations such as a change in plans, shortage of time, energy, or money. It can occur when people feel fearful, threatened, frustrated, desperate, angry, or overwhelmed. Although fight talk can get the juices flowing and occasionally break up a logjam, it almost always wounds the other person’s worth or esteem. In its worst form, it can break out into physical violence. Fight talk never delivers much especially when it comes to long-term solutions to tough relationship issues.

Joann: “I’d like to make some plans about remodeling the kitchen.”

Tom: (continues changing TV channels) “C’mon, now?”

Joann: (hands on hips) “Yes, now. Turn off the TV.”

Tom: (turns off TV with a sigh and throws remote on couch) “You know I hate talking about this. It always turns into an argument.”

Joann: (sarcastic tone) “Well, whose fault is that? You have such a negative attitude when it comes to money.”

Tom: (looking away) “You would too if you had to juggle all the bills on the income we have.”

Joann: (exasperated) “Look! You’ve been telling me for the last two years that we were going to get the kitchen remodeled. Not one thing has been done.”

Tom: (looking at the floor with a scowl on his face; no answer)

Joann: (pointing finger) “I’m sick and tired of it Tom. You need to start following through with what you say you’re going to do and quit being so irresponsible.”

Tom: (angrily) “Irresponsible? Are you calling me irresponsible?”

Joann: “You know what your problem is? Your mother never made you do anything.”

Tom: (fist clinched) “Leave my mother out of this!”

Joann: (face red; veins bulging) “I want this kitchen fixed! Do you hear me?”

Tom: (turning to leave the room) “I knew it! It always turns out this way!”

Joann: “Yeah, you always go off to pout rather than deal with the problem!”

Tom: (slams door on the way out of the house)

Joann: “Jerk!”

Typical Fight Talk Behaviors

Threatening consequences: “Say that one more time and I’m gone.”

Labeling: “You’re so irresponsible.”

Name-calling, belittling, using loaded words: “You sound like a pig when you eat.”

Defending: “There’s not a thing wrong with the way I did it.”

Interrogating: “I want to know where you were and what you were doing.”

Judging, put-downs: “Can’t you do anything right? I don’t know what you’d do if I didn’t go behind you.”

Challenging, taunting: “Your mother may think you can do no wrong, but not me.”

Lecturing, moralizing, preaching: “You should stop associating with those people. They’re no good for you.”

Bragging: “I could have done that in half the time.”

Cursing, foul language

Spite talk is anger, hurt, or resentment that is demonstrated in an indirect, passive way. It is typically used when a person believes they are powerless to influence a situation directly and positively. The one who resorts to spite talk attempts to control from a “one down” rather than a “one up” position of power. Passive non-compliance, withdrawal, sabotage and other oblique strategies can become the ultimate resistance in a relationship. In the long run, those who use spite talk hurt themselves the most by misusing their power. The conflict continues and valuable information is submerged rather than channeled into constructive change.

Barb: “Are you angry?”

Jim: “No.”

Barb: “You seem awfully quite and withdrawn. Are you sure you aren’t mad?”

Jim: “I told you, no. Will you just drop it?”

Barb: “Oh, don’t forget. We have the barbeque over at Toni and Phil’s tonight.”

Jim: “I can’t go. I’ve too much work paperwork to do before work tomorrow.”

Barb: “Jim, you’ve known about this for over a week.”

Jim: “Sorry, its got to be done.”

Typical Spite Talk Behaviors

Zingers, pot shots: “Okay Mr. Smart-guy, you do it.”

Poor, pitiful me: “You never ask me to go with you.”

Nagging: “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your socks?”

Foot-dragging: “I’ll get to it when I can.”

Complaining, whining: “How come I always have to do the dishes?”

Pouting, ignoring, withholding affection: Going about routine without speaking; cold, distant, aloof

Withholding information: “I forgot to write the message down.”

Withdrawing angrily: “Forget it, I’m out of here!”

Denying: “Nothing’s the matter. I’m not angry.”

Criticism, cynicism: “We all know you couldn’t possibly be wrong. You’re always right.”

Placating: “Whatever you want. It doesn’t matter to me.”

Martyr, victim: “It’s all my fault. I’m to blame.”

Putting self down: “If I wasn’t so stupid it wouldn’t have happened.”

Gossiping, self-righteous: “Can you believe that he did that?”

Keeping score: “I’ll never let that go.”

Lying, distorting: “I called him yesterday.” (no call made)

Guilt-trips: “If you really loved me you wouldn’t leave now.”

Control talk is an attempt to direct, advise, or persuade in an effort to get another person to comply with your wishes. Although it is a take-charge, efficient, proactive style, most people prefer to exchange information and participate in making decisions. When they are left out of the process, it gives rise to resistance and resentment that usually degenerates into fight talk or spite talk.

Andy: “Gloria, you’ll need to call the insurance agent this afternoon about the changes in the policy.”

Gloria: “Andy, you know I promised Lauren’s teacher that I would help out with decorating the classroom.”

Andy: “It won’t take long. You can handle it.”

Gloria: “Andy I don’t know anything about that policy. I don’t have a clue what to ask the guy.”

Andy: “It’s not a big deal. You’ll do fine. Trust me.”

Gloria: “But I’m not sure if I can get to it today.”

Andy: “It needs to be taken care of this afternoon. I’ve got to go. I’m already late for work.”

Typical Control Talk Behaviors

Directing: “Take the car by the garage and have the oil changed this afternoon.”

Establishing expectations, setting boundaries: “You do understand that if you are not here at 9:30 sharp we will leave without you?”

Advising, prescribing solutions: “If I were you, I would quit that job right now. You can do better than that.”

Cautioning, warning: “Be careful and hold that with both hands.”

Closed, directive questions: “Don’t you agree that the green one is prettier?”

Advocating, selling: “Just give it a try. I’ll not bring it up again if you don’t like it.”

Assuming, speaking for others: “He likes his coffee with just a little cream in it.”

Flattery: “You look wonderful in that plaid skirt.”

Enough negative. How can a couple give the gift of honor to one another? Esteeming a mate is best accomplished through caring communication. Philippians 4:29 exhorts us not to “use bad language, but say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing.”³ Words are powerful and possess the unique ability to build up or to tear down the one who hears them. There is the potential for life or death in how a couple chooses to communicate with one another.

Fight talk, spite talk, and control talk wound and alienate but straight talk brings healing and unity to a relationship. There is no blaming, defending, or deceiving. It is a respectful style of communication that allows the speaker to be tough yet tender, firm yet flexible, and caring but not controlling. There is no verbal pushing or shoving; no manipulation or game playing. Straight talk is open, vulnerable, self-disclosure that fosters new understanding, acceptance, and intimacy between partners. Real thoughts and feelings about important issues are shared in a positive and caring way so that trust and security are nurtured. Straight talk also emphasizes the value of attentive listening. There is no rehearsing, evaluating, or redirecting but simply following what the other person is saying-trying to get into their shoes. It is simply letting them tell their full story spontaneously, without interference so the listener can completely understand what is being said.

Rob: “Linda, I’d like to talk with you about our finances if you’ve got time.”

Linda: “Sure, the kids are already in bed.”

Rob: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending more than we had budgeted for food and clothing. I’m going to have to transfer some money from savings to cover the checks you wrote last week. To be honest, I’m feeling a little frustrated right now.”

Linda: “I’m sorry, Rob. I had no idea.”

Rob: “I thought you didn’t. I’d like to work out a better way of managing the money so this doesn’t keep happening.”

Linda: “That’s fine with me. What do you suggest.”

Rob: “Well, I’ve got a couple of ideas but I want to hear your thinking, too.”

Linda: “Okay, you go first.”

Typical Straight Talk Behaviors

Identifying the problem: “I have a problem with the way you are disciplining the children.”

Identifying feelings: “I’m really angry about what you said.”

Accepting differences: “I don’t see it that way but I’m willing to talk about it.”

Requesting feedback: “I’d like to hear what you’ve got to say about it.”

Giving feedback: “In my opinion you came down too hard on him.”

Expressing appreciation: “I really enjoyed the dinner you cooked tonight. It was delicious.”

Being vulnerable: “I’m really worried about our finances.”

Asking for change: “I’d like you to help me get the kitchen cleaned up and the kids in bed.”

Taking responsibility: “I know what I said really hurt your feelings.”

Apologizing, asking for forgiveness: “I’m sorry for not calling and letting you know I was going to be late. Will you forgive me?”

Giving support: “I’ll stand behind you whatever your decision is.”

Straight talk is not a “quick fix’ or a “cure all” to life’s problems, but it does powerfully demonstrate that you are committed to an open process of understanding, accepting, and working with your partner. More importantly, it is compelling proof that they are truly respected and honored.

Even though most couples readily acknowledge that giving the gift of honor is crucial to the well-being of their relationship, the high divorce rate in the United States (40 to 50% for those marrying the first time) seems to indicate that it is not commonly practiced. Perhaps the best explanation for this contradiction can be found in Scripture. Philippians 2:3 exhorts us to “do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each one of you regard one another as more important than himself.”⁴ The failure to esteem a partner as more important than oneself is deeply rooted in a spirit of pride. It boasts, “I am better than you and should be treated accordingly.” It is this puffed-up attitude that insists on winning an argument rather than solving the problem; that puts a mate down to lift self up; that seeks praise as opposed to giving it; that is never wrong and the partner right; that demands their way and disregards the other’s wishes. Those with an inflated, self-important mind rarely give the gift of honor. It almost always comes from those who possess a spirit of humility and regard their companion as better than themselves.

I want to challenge you to begin giving the gift of honor to you partner. Make the daily choice of esteeming them as God’s personal love gift to you. Assign to them great worth and value. Lift them up as being highly important and significant. Treasure and cherish them always. As you do, may you reap the blessings of oneness, harmony, and love for a lifetime!

Bill