The Permissive Versus the Authoritarian Parent

Signs of an Authoritarian Parent:

“It’s my way or the highway”

It’s characterized by rigid rules and high demands. Authoritarian parents have high standards and can be highly critical when those standards aren’t met. They also tend to offer less emotional warmth compared to authoritative parents.

You have little patience for misbehavior

Authoritarian parents don’t want to waste energy explaining why something isn’t a good choice and they’re not likely to spend much time discussing feelings. Instead, when a child breaks the rules, they’re more likely to remind him that he should “know better” without any room for discussion.

You try to control your child’s behavior

Rather than teach children to control themselves, authoritarian parents exert their control. Kids have fewer choices and fewer opportunities to practice self-discipline. The focus is on obeying the rules, with little room for creativity.

You try to shame your child into behaving

Authoritarian parents are very critical. They may say things like, “You aren’t a good listener,” or, “How many times do I have to tell you the same thing?” They aren’t concerned about building or preserving a child’s self-esteem. In fact, they often think that shaming a child is one of the best ways to motivate him to behave better next time.

You don’t hesitate to use corporal punishment

Spanking is used liberally in authoritarian households. Parents may use other forms of corporal punishment- such as making a child do push-ups or assigning manual labor – as a consequence for misbehavior.

You don’t believe in exceptions to the rule

You won’t catch an authoritarian parent negotiating. Their children certain don’t get any type of vote and it’s made clear that the household rules aren’t up for discussion. Parents often leave little room for any “gray area.”

You would rather use punishments than positive reinforcements

Most authoritarian parents don’t believe in rewarding kids for good behavior. They think that kids should behave well and don’t need to be praised or rewarded simply for following the rules. But as soon as a rule is broken, a consequence is swiftly handed out.

You have a lot of rules

While permissive parents have few rules, authoritarian parents thrive on having rules about everything. In addition to household rules about safety or morality, there are often unwritten rules about how to do things “right.” Authoritarian parents often micromanage their children. They may hover while their children do their homework or complete their chores to make sure that everything is done in the manner they want.

You don’t trust your child to make good decisions

Authoritarian parents have interesting expectations of their children. Although they have high expectations, they don’t allow for enough freedom for kids to show that they can be trusted. They’re quick to enforce their demands and prevent children from making mistakes and facing natural consequences.

You often say, “because I said so”

Authoritarian parents don’t waste time explaining the underlying reasons why certain rules need to be followed or why they’ve set certain limits. Instead, they’re famous for saying, “Because I said so!” They expect that to be the end of the discussion and don’t invite a child to weigh in with his opinion about why he disagrees or why he thinks the rules are unfair.

Signs of a Permissive Parent:

You don’t put your child on any type of schedule

Permissive parents give kids control over their time. Kids often pick their own nap times – which may happen to occur whenever they fall asleep – and they may eat whenever they feel hungry. Permissive parents don’t want their children confined by a rigid schedule that dictates bedtime, bath time and mealtime.

Your child’s day lacks structure

Permissive parents don’t “overschedule” their children and they don’t force kids to participate in certain activities. They aren’t likely to set strict limits on screen time, for example, and they aren’t likely to worry about how much exercise their kids are getting. Instead, they let their kids take the lead on how to spend their time.

You emphasize the importance of your child “being a kid”

Whether their children are jumping on the furniture, or they’re racing down the grocery store aisles, permissive parents are likely to say, “Let them be kids.” They tend to have little expectation of mature behavior and have a high tolerance for misbehavior and silly outbursts.

You value your child’s freedom over responsibility

Permissive parents don’t give their children many chores or extra responsibilities. Instead, they’re more likely to allow their children the freedom to have fun, explore their environment, and make choices about what they want to do.

You have very few-if any-real rules

Permissive parents aren’t likely to have a list of household rules hanging on the wall. They don’t usually claim to have many steadfast rules and they prefer a more relaxed environment.

You wait for your child to ask for help

Permissive parents certainly don’t hover over their children. They don’t want to insert help when it’s not needed and they aren’t interested in micromanaging a child’s activities. Instead, they believe if their children needs or wants assistance, they’ll ask.

You seek your child’s opinion on major decisions

Permissive parents tend to ask questions like, “What do you think we should do about this note your teacher sent home about your behavior today?” They may invite their children to weigh in on major family decisions as well by asking questions such as, “Do you want to move a different house?” They may avoid making changes when their children object and they may go to great lengths to ensure their children don’t experience discomfort.

You bribe your child

Permissive parents tend to bribe their children to behave. Unlike rewards – that are given after good behavior – bribes are given up front with the child promising to behave later. Permissive parents are often overindulgent.

You rarely give out consequences

Permissive parents feel bad giving out negative consequences and punishments. They rarely take away privileges and they’re likely to give in when children protest or throw temper tantrums. When they do try to set limits, they often don’t follow through with enforcing them if their children don’t comply.

You’d rather be your child’s friend than authority figure

Permissive parents don’t really want to be in charge and don’t want to be viewed as mean. They are happy to be seen as a friend rather than the boss. During the teen years, they’re often viewed as “the cool parents” because they may be very tolerant of teenage misbehavior and may even collude with teens to help them break certain rules.

Bill