It has been called by a variety of terms, such as “living together”, “shacking up”, “cohabitation,” “serial monogamy,” and “living in sin.” By definition, cohabitation occurs when two unmarried people of the opposite sex live together before marriage. It is a halfway house, of sorts, for people who do not want the degree of personal and social commitment that marriage requires, at least for the time being. Cohabitation has skyrocketed 1,150% in 40 years. According to the Census Bureau, the number of couples living together in 1960 was 439,000. In 2000, it was estimated to be around 5,500,000. Half of all couples who eventually marry report having lived together before tying the knot. From all indications, we are fast becoming a “live-in”, “non-marriage” culture, which sociologists say will have a significant, long-term impact on the structure of American society.
Popular opinion suggests that living together before marriage is a good idea. It is viewed as a trial period to see if the relationship is going to work. There is, however, an ever-growing body of research data that sheds a very unfavorable light on cohabitation. Recent studies have shown that marriages that are preceded by living together have more than a 50 percent higher disruption rate (divorce or separation) than marriages without premarital cohabitation. Cohabitation is the invisible, front-end cancer of marriage. Let’s take a closer look at the downside of shacking up.
Myths about cohabitation:
Myth #1 “Everybody’s doing it!” Everbody is not “doing it.”
Current research estimates that about 30 to 40% of college students cohabit during their time at college. Although this is a large number, it also indicates that somewhere around 60-70% of students do not cohabit. To say that “Everybody is doing it”, is a myth and does not hold up as a valid argument.
Myth #2 “Economically, it’s worth it to live together.”
It is cheaper to live together, but whatever monetary savings are realized is at the price of what one will lose: purity, virginity, and moral standards Economic advantages don’t in themselves determine whether an option is morally right or wrong. The questions ought to be, “What is my virginity worth?” and “Will I save myself for my lifelong partner?” Kevin Leman in ‘Smart Kids, Stupid Choices’ states, “It’s kind of like giving someone a million dollars and later finding out you gave it to the wrong person, but now he’s gone and so is your money. Gone for good. You don’t have it anymore. And the person who should have had it will never get it.”
Myth #3 “Living together before marriage increases your chances of having a happy marriage later.”
You test drive a car before you buy it, so why do the same with your lifelong relationships? The problem with this analogy is that you don’t pack your personal luggage in the trunk when you test drive a car. Research indicates that the “test drive” theory is unsound. Paradoxically, it does not insure marital happiness, but is actually more predictive of a tendency to disagree on things like recreation, household chores, and finances.Couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to seek counseling than couples who do not cohabit. The skyrocketing rate of divorce in the last three decades co-occurring with the dramatic the rise of cohabitation is proof enough that “trial marriages” area do not work.
Myth #4 “It’s nobody’s business.”
It is said that living together has much in common with marriage except for the legal imposition of the state and church. There are, however, birth, health, and disease issues that arise as a consequence of cohabiting which do become the responsibility and expense of society. It is also very much the business of the church. The institution of marriage is the basic building block of society, which the church jealousy protects. By upholding the legal union of a man and woman in matrimony, the church is in an instrumental position to foster what is best for society. Studies have repeatedly demonstrated that couples who are frequent church attenders have lower divorce rates due to the fact they are exposed to teaching and instruction on marital success and receive support and accountability from the church body.
Myth #5 “It’s alright because we are really in love.”
Love should never be a reason for premarital sex, but one of the greatest motives for abstaining from it. True love would never seek the moral or spiritual downfall of another. True love is patient in waiting for the proper time for sex. It is kind to future spouses by not robbing them of what will rightfully be theirs in marriage. Secondly, the feelings of love are tricky. What may seem like love may be no more than infatuation. The issue is further confused by the passion of sex. Physical intimacy typically causes a couple to feel closer than they actually are. Thirdly, God calls sex outside of marriage fornication. In the original language the word is porneia. In the ancient Greek culture, porneia literally meant prostitution and a porne was a prostitute. Fornication is essentially the “love” that is bought and sold in illicit relationships outside of marriage, which is not love at all. The person with whom such “love” is gratified is not really considered a person at all, but an object or instrument through which the demands of lust and passion are satisfied.
Myth #6 “But we’re going to be married anyway.”
This is presumptuous, naïve, and wishful thinking. There is often one person (usually male) in the cohabitating relationship who doesn’t think in terms of a permanent, lifelong relationship. Consider this lingering question: “If one gives in to moral temptation before marriage, what’s going to prevent them from repeating the behavior once the marital knot is tied?”
Myth #7 “It will build my self-esteem and inner security.”
The following quote best summarizes what the studies actually show about this myth: “I slept with many people trying to find love, to find self-worth, and the more people I slept with the less self-worth I had.” When you give yourself as “pieces” to a number of people, you are no longer whole, and as a consequence, may actually feel less self-worth and inner security.
Myth #8 “The Bible is silent on the subject.”
I Corinthians 7:2 says, “but, because of fornication, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” Fornication can obviously be avoided by marrying. The apostle Paul goes on in the same passage to instruct those that do not have the self-control to live the single life, to marry.
Myth #9 “The marriage license is only a piece of paper. It doesn’t automatically make you committed.”
Some argue that they are already committed to each other and don’t need “a piece of paper” to prove it. Commitment is brought into serious question, however, when a couple will not take a vow to live together for a lifetime, to be called a husband or wife, or to take on a new family name. It is equivalent to saying, “I love you but not enough to be permanently committed.”
Myth #10 “Cohabitation is just another lifestyle choice, a purely personal relationship created by and for the couple.”
This the most powerful and dangerous myth because it goes to the heart of the issue. There is an increasing tendency today to view marriage not as an objective fact, but a subjective emotion, an inner feeling rather than an outer relationship. We have been duped into thinking that cohabitation, marriage, and divorce are primarily about adult happiness. We evaluate our relationship primarily according to how well it satisfies our own personal need rather than a commitment to be taken seriously in both good times and bad.
Psychological reasons against cohabitation:
According to a study reported in Pediatrics, early sexual activity leads to serious behavioral problems. Of 1500 girls studied, non-virgin girls were 2.5 times more likely to have used alcohol than virgins, 6.2 times more likely to have smoked marijuana, and 4.3 times more likely to have attempted suicide.
Numerous studies have found that physical attacks are much more common and more severe among live-in couples than among those who are married. Previous studies have revealed that men typically cohabit because of the “convenience” of the relationship, whereas women cohabit with expectation that it will lead to marriage. This creates a relationship in which men are more likely to hold a position of power over women who expect much more from the relationship than they do. This puts cohabitating women in a perilous position.
Unmarried women who live together with a partner are almost four times more likely to be under psychiatric care. Cohabitating women are more irritable, anxious, worried, and depressed than married women.
A survey of 14,000 adults over a ten year- period found that less than 25% of those cohabitating said they were very happy with their life in general compared to 40% who were married. There is a powerful body of new research clearly showing that marriage offers a huge advantage in mental and emotional health.
Sociological reasons against cohabitation:
A comprehensive National Survey of Families and Households based on 13,000 people concluded that about 40% of cohabiting unions in the U.S. break up without the couple ever marrying. The average cohabitant has several partners in a lifetime.
Yale University sociologist, Neil Bennett reported in Psychology Today his findings that cohabitating women are 80% more likely to separate or divorce than were women who had not lived with their spouse before marriage. The National Survey of Families and Households indicated that unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%.
A study by the National Council on Family Relations of 309 newlyweds found that those who cohabitated first were less happy in marriage.
Studies indicate that non-virgin brides increase their odds of divorce by about 60%.
Premarital sexual attitudes and behavior do not change after one marries. This is especially true of women. Those who engaged in sex before marriage are more than twice as likely to have extramarital affairs as those who did not have premarital sex. When it comes to staying faithful, married partners have higher rates of loyalty every time.
A romance is not the same as as having an ongoing relationship. Relationships take time and work to develop and maintain. Romance without relationship is a brief encounter at best. In today’s disposable society, it is hastily devised and easily discarded at the first sign of conflict or disillusionment. Good relationships are built upon knowing and enjoying each other on social, recreational, spiritual, intellectual, and communicative levels, not just sexual.
Research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction than those who do not cohabit. Radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger lists cohabiting as one of the “Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives” in her book of the same name. “Dating, not living in, is supposed to be about learning and discerning” about a prospective mate, she says.
8. Those who live together have no lasting commitments or responsibilities.
Cohabitation involves no public commitment, no pledge for the future, no official pronouncement of love or responsibility. Theirs is essentially a private arrangement based on an emotional bond. The “commitment” of living together is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. “As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I’ll stick around.
In this “alternative lifestyle,” the aim is to have all the benefits and privileges of a mature, married person without accepting the responsibilities which maturity demands. Our society encourages people to focus on the present and live for today, but the act of formal marriage implies an emphasis on the future. Cohabitation also points to a missing ingredient in the process of becoming mature: the willingness to make commitments and live up to them. A willingness to defer immediate pleasures in pursuit of a worthwhile goal is a mark of maturity. People who make a commitment and accept total responsibility for their choices are more likely to develop self-respect, personal pride, and integrity. Persons who go from one relationship to another develop patterns of opting out of a stressful situation rather than hanging tough and dealing with it.
For example, money and property tend to be either ‘his’ or ‘hers’, not ‘ours’. Consequently, it isn’t all that important how he or she spends his or her money. Joint decision-making is bypassed.
“Marriages of convenience” are disposable but marriages of commitment are lifelong and not to be dissolved. Commitment means being determined that the two of you will stick it out no matter what. When there is an agreement without commitment it is easy to give up. When there is a commitment ahead of time, you hang tough through the good times and the bad and don’t bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Sex can emotionally blind a couple. Real love can stand the test of time without the support of physical intimacy. The only way to rationally decide whether your love is for keeps is to remove any preoccupation with sexual love. You may make the mistake of marrying a mirage, not a person you really know.
A woman most often sees living together as romantic, while the man views the arrangement as a “practical” solution that will help them iron out their differences and strengthen their ties. Many live in couples find it harder to build lasting love because they have lost their starry-eyed, romantic illusions.
Mature love is built on the security of knowing that your love is exclusive. There in no one else. Premarital intimacy causes you to wonder: “If he or she has this little self-control with me now, have there been others before me and will there be others in the future too?” As suspicion and distrust increase, you slowly lose respect for the other person. The trust factor is an important ingredient in a healthy marriage. The knowledge that each partner can relax and be him/herself at the most intimate level without fear of doing something that will drive the other away is missing from the live-in arrangement.
It is reported that if a couple abstain from sex before marriage, they are 29 to 47 percent more likely to enjoy sex afterward. Although cohabitors have more sex than married couples, they don’t seem to enjoy it as much. For men, 48% of husbands say sex with their wife is extremely satisfying emotionally compared to just 37% of cohabiting men. For men, 50% of husbands say sex with their wife is satisfying physically compared to just 39% of cohabiting men. It is believed that commitment is the secret ingredient in marriage that increases sexual pleasure for both sexes. A personcommitted to making love with only one person in life has a strong incentive to learn how to best please that person.
It is difficult to keep the secret quiet. Lies have to be told over and over again to cover up the truth. There are issues of monetary support from parents, what to do with a partner’s possessions when they visit, and guilt about going against their wishes. The loss of parental support is a substantial fear for cohabitating couples.
Children need the love and care of real parents. Unstable and broken relationships traumatize children for life. Children of cohabiting couples who come from previously broken marriages get mixed messages and view their parents as having a double standard. Research indicates that cohabiting parents have greater difficulty establishing moral guidelines for their children, especially when they reach the dating age.
Cohabiting couples often lack a common purpose because they do not share a long-term commitment that involves the future. They are short-term in their thinking and, therefore, have not formulated future goals together.
Even though most young people claim to want an egalitarian marriage, studies have found that living arrangements for cohabitants follow the more traditional role format. Women find themselves on the short end of the stick performing all those roles that are contrary to egalitarian marriage.
Marriage is far superior to cohabitation in connecting people to others—work acquaintances, in-laws—who are a source of support and benefits. Marriage links people to a world larger than themselves. The truth is inescapable. Couples who live together before marrying miss God’s very best. A lifelong commitment in the context of marriage is God’s perfect design that He will bless and honor. If you are currently living together with someone outside of marriage or are thinking of making this move, please reconsider. The conclusions of many research studies make it clear that this type of relationship will not satisfy your deepest needs. God’s way work. Don’t shortchange yourself.
© Copyright 2022, North Alabama Christian Counseling, LLC, All Rights Reserved.
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