The Psychology of Persistent Trust Issues and Ways to Overcome Them

A person with “trust issues” anticipates betrayal, rejection, and humiliation, which keeps them in a state of high alert. They are continuously scanning their environment for any signs that may indicate that they are vulnerable to being emotionally hurt.

In most cases, trust issues develop because of a partner’s infidelity. They have either admitted to an indiscretion or have been caught. But what about those who experience mistrust and suspicion when there is no concrete evidence that their partner has been unfaithful? In other words, what is considered “evidence” of unfaithfulness is circumstantial—such as their partner not answering the phone when they call or not responding to a text or email promptly. They persist in believing that their partner is having an affair and begin to gather “proof” to validate their suspicion.

This type of mistrust in a relationship often originates from at least two primary sources.

1. Low self-esteem

Self-esteem is the term used to describe a person’s own measurement of his/her self-worth. It is how you think of yourself, describe yourself and the collection of beliefs you have pertaining to your abilities and worthiness. Not surprisingly, people with depression, anxiety and anger issues tend to have low self-esteem. This is not a genetic issue that is inherited, but rather a learned set of beliefs. The importance of self-esteem is that it influences how you behave and interpret the world around you.

Low self-esteem can affect a person’s thoughts, emotions, and patterns of behavior. Sometimes these signs are apparent, but in other cases they can be more subtle. Low self-esteem is characterized by the following:

1. Heavy self-criticism tending to create a habitual state of dissatisfaction with self.
2. Hypersensitivity to criticism leading to feeling attacked and not being open to constructive criticism.
3. An excessive desire to please out of fear of displeasing someone.
4. Feelings of insignificance.
5. General negativity about life and often an inability to enjoy
6. Engagement in upward social comparison or comparing self to people they think are better than themselves.
7. Problems asking for what they need because their self-regard is low; they may feel that they don’t deserve help. They might also feel embarrassed or incompetent by their need for assistance and support.
8. Worry and self-doubt. Even after deciding, people who have low self-esteem often worry that they’ve made the wrong choice. They doubt their own opinions. This can often lead to a great deal of second-guessing and self-doubt.
9. Negative self-talk. Low self-esteem causes people to focus on their flaws rather than their strengths. Rather than build themselves up with positive self-talk, they always seem to have something negative to say about themselves. They blame themselves when things go wrong and find fault with some aspect of themselves (appearance, personality, or abilities).
10. Fear of failure. Because they lack confidence in their abilities, people with low self-esteem doubt their ability to achieve success. While they mightfear failure, they tend to avoid challenges or give up quickly without trying. Fear of failure can be seen in behaviors such as acting out when things go wrong or looking for ways to hide feelings of inadequacy. Those with low self-esteem might make excuses, blame external factors, or try to downplay the importance of the task.
11. Poor outlook.Low self-esteem also causes people to feel that there is little chance that the future will be any better. Feelings of hopelessness can make it hard for those with low self-esteem to engage in behaviors that will bring about positive changes in their lives.

2. Trauma

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be a huge event or a more subtle pain that you try hard to overlook, though it still haunts you. Collective traumas are suffered by many. They include war, terrorism, or a catastrophic weather episode that results in death or other forms of mass loss and upheaval.

Individual traumas are those that happen uniquely and specifically to you, such as threats, assaults, abuse, betrayal, family strife, and physical or psychological boundary violations. Individual traumas are often experienced silently and can feel like your own personal prison.

When you’re traumatized, there’s a driving internal force to feel safe and cared for, especially by your partner. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, this can become your central focus as you try to heal. You delve into ‘if-then’ scenarios to soothe yourself and look for a way out of the uncomfortable place you are in. If your partner can reassure you, support you, and help you deal with your emotional pain, then you will feel protected, validated, and able to heal. However, it’s essential to be aware that what you’re hoping to receive from the relationship may be unrealistic or disproportionate to what your partner can give.

When you’ve endured individual trauma, your trust in how things are supposed to be is drastically altered. In turn, your sense of safety and connection to yourself and others is negatively impacted. You are bracing for the next impact. Understandably, there’s a need within you to secure your foundation, and establish or reestablish a sense of stability in the world. Whether you’re in a new relationship or one that’s established, you may be looking to your partner to do the impossible: fill the void created by trauma.

Be aware that being traumatized is akin to being betrayed, and that you might carry feelings of vulnerability, exposure, and pain. The last thing you want is for your relationship to create further feelings of betrayal and disappointment because you don’t feel understood or validated. Therefore, it’s crucial to remember that your partner comes from a different background, life experience, and has different communication patterns from you. They exist in a different body and have a different brain.

The onus is on you to communicate with your partner and to describe as best you can what you’re feeling and why. Try to resist slipping into a thought process of expecting them to “just know” what you are feeling and experiencing. While your pain may be all-consuming, and those thoughts in your head may be very loud, understand that these feelings belong to you.

Signs You’re Dealing with Trust Issues

1. You spend an excessive amount of time worrying if the other person has or will betray/abandon you.
2. You repeatedly question them about their fidelity. Endless questions or discussions about your partner’s past or present relationships signal insecurity and mistrust.
3. You check his/her phone or other electronic devices. When you have doubts about your partner the first thing that usually comes to mind is to check his/her interaction with others. You check his/her messages and go through his/her browsing history hoping to find some “evidence” that will confirm your suspicions. Unfortunately, this invasion of privacy can sometimes create anger and emotional distance in your relationship.
4. You make a mountain out of molehill. If you’re insecure about certain aspects of your life you may be inclined to blame your partner over little things that bother you (i.e., laughing at someone else’s joke; being friendly with someone of the opposite sex; not calling or texting as often as you expect).
5. You deny his/her personal space. We all need personal space; to take a break from everyone and everything to decompress. When there is an expectation to be with your partner all the time, you may be denying them of their personal space.
6. You consistently believe that he/she is hiding something from you. Once again, it’s not about your significant other—it’s about you. Every time you give in to this feeling you show your partner that you don’t trust him/her. Since you are the one experiencing insecurity perhaps you should explore this feeling and where it is coming from. In my experience, it usually comes from past relationships where you put your trust in someone and ended up being emotionally wounded.
7. You get upset when he/she wants to spend time with friends (without you). Let’s face it. no matter how much you love and appreciate each other, you will never have full control over what might happen in the relationship. Being restrictive and denying his/her individuality will not keep him/her close to you forever.

How to Deal with Unfounded Mistrust

1. Build self-esteem. Self-esteem is the value we ascribe to ourselves; our perception of who we are. It is not about ability or other people’s perceptions of us. It is possible to be good at something and still have low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves and about life. This makes them much more resilient and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs. Those with low self-esteem tend to be much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. Low self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, particularly in personal relationships.

There are several ways you can improve your self-esteem:

• Identify and challenge your negative beliefs. The first step is to identify and then challenge your negative beliefs about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m unattractive. What does he/she see in me?’or ‘I have such a dull, unlikeable personality’ or ‘I have nothing significant to offer him/her in this relationship’. Look for evidence that contradicts or disputes those self-statements. Remind yourself that these negative beliefs about yourself are probably distorted and untrue.
• Identify the positive qualities about yourself. It’s easy to focus on our weaknesses and neglect what is a positive quality. In general, adopting a positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.
• Build positive relationships—and avoid negative ones. You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others. If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself try to avoid them, if possible. Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.
• Give yourself a break. You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time. Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day, and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa). Avoid criticizing yourself to others because this can reinforce your negative views and give other people a negative opinion of you.
• Become more assertive and learn to say no. People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others. This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work because they do not like to refuse anyone. However, this can increasestress and make it even harder to manage. Developing assertiveness skills can help to improve your self-esteem. It is like many other skills; it requires practice.

  2.  Address past betrayal as a traumatic stressor.

Betrayal is treachery, deception, and violated trust. It can appear as a broken promise, duplicity, lies, sexual affairs, and even affairs of the heart. The injury is so great that some people seem to never recover.

We are taught that to be truly happy in life, we must learn to trust others. So, sometimes reluctantly, we let down our guard and we trust. When relationships become psychologically intimate, we have put our trust in another. We have made ourselves vulnerable to another person. We believe this person accepts us unconditionally, believes in us, and “has our back.” We cherish such a relationship because we believe our partner is understanding, faithful, and devoted in good times and bad.

In a psychologically intimate relationship, powerful attachments and bonds are formed. Not only does the bond let us know that we are understood, appreciated, and unconditionally accepted, it says we are safe. So powerful is this bond that there is evidence that the presence of a psychologically intimate partner can positively affect blood pressure and stress hormones. Psychologists have long known that the deepest cravings of human nature are the desires to be appreciated and to be safe.

Betrayal by an intimate partner violates these core human desires and needs. It destroys the core assumptions upon which all enduring relationships must rest. Betrayal represents a traumatic death—not of a person, but of a relationship. As you might expect, individuals who have been betrayed by a partner in a trusting psychologically intimate relationship experience many of the symptoms of PTSD. They will often report guilt, anxiety, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually—almost addictively—reliving both the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. Again, as you might expect, the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid being hurt in future relationships.

Healing from trauma is hard work. It is a process that requires commitment. There is no magic pill; an antidepressant medication can help but it not enough on its own.

Healing an emotional wound takes:

• Daily self-care
• Challenging your negative thoughts about self and your partner.
• Conscious choices to speak truth to yourself.
• Eyes that look for the small changes to encourage yourself to keep going.
• Practicing deep breathing and relaxation techniques.
• Research has shown thatwriting about your trauma can be effective at helping you process your experience as well. These studies have found that keeping a journal can help you reduce stress and improve your immunity.

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