The Secrets She Told Her Mother

Alicia never meant for Brady to find out.

That was the problem.

She had been talking to her mother for months.

At first, it was innocent enough.

Alicia would call her after an argument with Brady and say, “I just need to talk.”

Her mother always listened.

Sometimes she offered advice. Sometimes she simply let Alicia cry.

Alicia felt better afterward.

Then the conversations became more detailed.

She told her mother about the things Brady said when he was angry.

She talked about their disagreements over money.

She complained that Brady didn’t seem interested in doing the things she wanted to do.

She told her mother about their struggles with intimacy.

She even repeated things Brady had told her in confidence.

Alicia didn’t think of herself as betraying her husband.

She thought of herself as a woman who needed someone to talk to.

Her mother was her safest place.

At least that was how Alicia saw it.

Brady saw things differently.

He had always known that Alicia and her mother were close. He actually liked that about her.

He knew she called her mother regularly.

He knew they talked about family, grandchildren, shopping, church, neighbors and all the ordinary things mothers and daughters talk about.

What he didn’t know was how much of his marriage had become part of those conversations.

Then one afternoon, everything changed.

Alicia and Brady were at her parents’ house for lunch.

Her father was in the den watching television.

Her mother was in the kitchen.

Brady was helping carry dishes to the table when Alicia’s mother said something that stopped him in his tracks.

It was a reference to a conversation Alicia and Brady had recently had in their bedroom.

It was private.

Very private.

Brady slowly turned toward her.

“How do you know about that?”

The room became silent.

Alicia looked at her mother.

Her mother looked at Alicia.

Brady didn’t need an explanation.

He had his answer.

On the drive home, Alicia tried to explain.

“Brady, I didn’t mean for you to hear that.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“I just needed somebody to talk to.”

“Your mother knows things about our marriage that I never told her.”

“I know.”

“How much have you told her?”

Alicia didn’t answer.

Brady looked over at her.

“How much?”

“I don’t know.”

That answer frightened him more than anything she could have said.

When they got home, Brady went into the bedroom and closed the door.

Alicia stood in the hallway.

She knew she had crossed a line.

She just hadn’t realized how far she had crossed it.

Alicia’s Story

Alicia cried during their first counseling session.

Not because she thought Brady was going to leave her.

At least, not yet.

She cried because she finally understood why he was so hurt.

“I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong,” she said.

“Why not?”

“Because she is my mother.”

That simple sentence explained much of Alicia’s behavior.

Her mother had always been the person she turned to.

When Alicia was a little girl, her mother had comforted her when she was frightened.

When she was a teenager, her mother listened to her problems with friends.

When Alicia was dating, her mother heard about the boyfriends.

And when Alicia married Brady, Alicia never consciously decided that the rules had changed.

She simply continued doing what she had always done.

Except now there was another person involved.

Her husband.

“I didn’t tell Mom because I wanted her to hate Brady,” Alicia said.

“Then why did you tell her?”

“Because I was hurting.”

That was the part Brady needed to understand.

Alicia hadn’t been trying to destroy their marriage.

She had been trying to survive the difficult parts of it.

But the counselor helped Alicia see something she had missed.

Every time she told her mother about another problem, she was creating a picture of her marriage.

And it wasn’t a complete picture.

Her mother heard about the nights Brady was angry.

She heard about the times he didn’t listen.

She heard about the arguments.

She heard about Alicia’s disappointments.

But she didn’t hear about the other side.

She didn’t hear about the mornings Brady brought Alicia coffee.

She didn’t hear about the repairs he made around the house.

She didn’t hear about the time he drove three hours to help her when her car broke down.

She didn’t hear about the birthday surprise he had planned.

She didn’t hear about the nights when he sat beside Alicia and listened when she was discouraged.

Alicia had been giving her mother the headlines.

She hadn’t given her the whole story.

And that meant her mother had developed an opinion about Brady based largely on his worst moments.

That realization bothered Alicia.

“I’ve made him look like a terrible husband,” she said.

Brady looked at her.

“I never said you made me look terrible.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Alicia began crying again.

“I know what I’ve done.”

Brady’s Story

Brady was not simply angry.

He felt betrayed.

There was a difference.

Anger could pass.

Betrayal was harder.

“I trusted her,” he said.

“What did you trust her with?”

“Everything.”

He explained that he had never expected his marriage to be perfect.

He knew couples argued.

He knew spouses said things they regretted.

He knew there would be disappointments.

But he believed there was a private place in marriage where a husband could be completely honest with his wife.

That place had suddenly disappeared.

“Now when I tell her something, I wonder who else is going to hear it.”

The counselor asked him what that made him want to do.

“Nothing.”

“Explain that.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

Brady had begun shutting down.

It wasn’t because he didn’t love Alicia.

It was because he was afraid of being exposed again.

“If I keep my mouth shut, I can’t say anything that can get back to her mother.”

That response made sense to Brady.

But it created a new problem.

The more Brady withdrew, the lonelier Alicia felt.

The lonelier Alicia felt, the more tempted she was to talk to her mother.

They were creating a cycle.

Alicia talked to her mother because she couldn’t reach Brady.

Brady withdrew because Alicia talked to her mother.

Alicia felt even more alone.

And Brady became even more distant.

Neither one knew how to stop it.

Brady also admitted something he didn’t like about himself.

He had begun to resent Alicia’s mother.

“I know it’s not fair,” he said.

“Why isn’t it fair?”

“Because she didn’t force Alicia to tell her.”

That was an important distinction.

Brady could blame his mother-in-law.

But the responsibility ultimately belonged to Alicia.

And Brady knew it.

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my marriage being angry at her mother.”

Neither did the counselor.

The marriage had to become the focus.

The Counseling Process

The counselor didn’t tell Alicia to stop talking to her mother.

That would have created another problem.

Instead, Alicia needed to learn the difference between seeking support and sharing private marital information.

Those were not the same thing.

She could tell her mother, “Brady and I are having a difficult time.”

She could say, “I’m frustrated.”

She could say, “I need someone to pray with me.”

She could even ask for advice about her own behavior.

But she did not need to repeat private conversations.

She did not need to describe Brady’s weaknesses.

She did not need to share intimate details.

And she certainly did not need to recruit her mother as an ally.

The counselor gave Alicia a question to ask herself before discussing something with her mother.

“Would I be comfortable if Brady were sitting in the room while I said this?”

Alicia didn’t like the question.

It was too revealing.

But it worked.

If the answer was no, she knew she probably needed to stop.

Then came the harder question.

How could Alicia rebuild Brady’s trust?

The counselor told her something she didn’t particularly want to hear.

She couldn’t talk Brady into trusting her.

She had to give him reasons to trust her.

That would take time.

There would be no dramatic moment when everything suddenly became normal.

Trust would return in small pieces.

Alicia had to keep private conversations private.

Again and again.

She also had to stop becoming defensive when Brady expressed his hurt.

If he said, “I’m still bothered by what happened,” Alicia couldn’t respond, “How long are you going to hold this over my head?”

She had to say, “I understand.”

That was difficult.

Brady also had work to do.

He couldn’t punish Alicia forever.

At some point, forgiveness had to become part of the process.

Forgiveness didn’t mean pretending nothing had happened.

It meant refusing to use the past as a permanent weapon.

The counselor also challenged Brady to examine his part in the marriage.

Alicia had been wrong to expose private matters.

But why had she felt such a strong need to find someone else to talk to?

That question couldn’t be ignored.

Brady eventually admitted that Alicia had been trying to talk to him for a long time.

“I didn’t realize how lonely she was,” he said.

That statement changed the counseling process.

Brady had been so focused on Alicia’s betrayal that he had overlooked her pain.

Alicia had been so focused on her loneliness that she had overlooked Brady’s need for privacy.

Both were telling the truth.

Both were hurting.

And neither had fully understood the other.

The counselor began working with them on something surprisingly simple.

Listening.

Not fixing.

Not defending.

Not explaining.

Listening.

Alicia learned to tell Brady what she was feeling without attacking him.

Brady learned to listen without immediately preparing his defense.

Their conversations became slower.

And because they became slower, they became more honest.

Eventually, Alicia told Brady something she had never said before.

“I think I went to Mom because I was afraid you didn’t need me.”

Brady looked surprised.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you seemed so comfortable without me.”

He shook his head.

“I wasn’t comfortable. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

For the first time, they saw the loneliness on both sides.

That discovery did more for their marriage than any argument about Alicia’s mother could have done.

Can This Marriage Survive?

Alicia and Brady had a problem that many couples face.

One spouse wanted privacy.

The other wanted support.

Neither desire was wrong.

The question was where the boundaries belonged.

Marriage does not mean that a husband or wife can never talk to anyone else.

There are times when outside help is wise.

A trusted friend, pastor, counselor or family member can provide perspective and encouragement.

But there is a difference between asking for help and turning outsiders into permanent members of the marriage.

When a spouse repeatedly shares private information with family members, something else can happen.

The family begins to form an opinion.

They remember the bad things.

They may forgive the spouse who caused the problem long before they forgive the spouse who was described as the problem.

And even after the marriage improves, the family may still remember what they were told.

That is why Alicia’s decision mattered.

She wasn’t merely deciding what she could tell her mother.

She was deciding what kind of marriage she wanted to build.

A marriage needs privacy.

It also needs openness.

Those two things are not opposites.

Alicia needed to be able to talk.

Brady needed to feel safe being vulnerable.

The answer was not for Alicia to keep everything inside.

The answer was for Alicia and Brady to learn how to talk to each other.

That was the work they had avoided.

And now they were finally doing it.

Outcome

Nine months after they began counseling, Alicia and Brady were still married.

But something had changed.

Not just between them.

Inside them.

Alicia had stopped discussing the details of her marriage with her mother.

Her mother knew they had experienced difficulties.

She knew they had gone to counseling.

But she no longer knew the private details.

And surprisingly, Alicia discovered that her relationship with her mother had not suffered.

They still talked.

They still laughed.

They still discussed family.

Alicia simply stopped using her mother as the place where she processed her marriage.

Brady noticed the difference.

At first, he was cautious.

Then one evening Alicia came home from a phone conversation with her mother.

Brady looked at her.

“What did you tell her?”

Alicia smiled.

“That we’re doing okay.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all.”

He smiled.

“Good.”

But Alicia wasn’t finished.

She sat beside him.

“I want you to know something.”

“What?”

“You were right.”

Brady looked at her.

“About what?”

“I shouldn’t have told her those things.”

He didn’t answer immediately.

Then he reached for her hand.

“I know you were hurting.”

“I was.”

“I wish you had come to me.”

“So do I.”

They sat quietly for a moment.

Then Alicia said something that surprised him.

“I think I was looking for my mother when what I really needed was my husband.”

Brady squeezed her hand.

“And I think you needed a husband who would listen.”

Alicia smiled.

“You’re getting better.”

“So are you.”

Neither of them pretended that everything was perfect.

It wasn’t.

They still argued.

They still disappointed each other.

There were still days when Alicia wanted to call her mother.

There were still days when Brady wanted to shut down.

But they had learned something they had never understood before.

The goal wasn’t to eliminate every problem.

The goal was to make the marriage a safe enough place to bring the problems.

Alicia still had her mother.

Brady still respected her mother’s place in her life.

But there was now a boundary.

Some things belonged to family.

Some things belonged to friends.

Some things belonged to a counselor.

And some things belonged only to a husband and wife.

Alicia and Brady had nearly lost sight of that last category.

They found it again.

And in the process, they discovered something neither of them had expected.

The marriage they had been trying to save wasn’t exactly the marriage they had before.

It was better.

Not because they had stopped having problems.

But because they had finally learned where their problems belonged.

Between the two of them.