God created men and women with purposeful differences so that together they can fulfill their roles in marriage. A wise woman understands that her role is not secondary—it is essential in building oneness with her husband. When a husband and wife learn to embrace the responsibilities God has given them, harmony and unity begin to blossom. But when either spouse neglects that divine design, the beautiful partnership God intended can falter. The focus of this article is on a crucial area—respect—and how it helps build oneness in marriage.
God’s Design for Roles in Marriage
The word role means the defined function or responsibility that each person carries out within the relationship. Marriage was never meant to be a competition between two strong wills; it was designed by God to be a loving partnership with unique callings for both husband and wife. Men and women are fully equal in value before God. Paul wrote, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Equality in worth does not mean sameness of function. God intentionally created men and women different so they could complement, not compete with, one another. Scripture also teaches that men and women are interdependent—each needs the other. Paul explained, “In the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Corinthians 11:11). From the opening chapters of Genesis, God made this clear: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). The word helper is significant. It doesn’t mean servant or subordinate. In fact, God Himself is called our Helper (Psalm 54:4). The term means one who supplies what the other lacks—a partner providing balance and strength. At the same time, God gave the husband a distinct responsibility. “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). The husband’s calling is not to dominate but to lead with Christlike love. The wife’s role complements that leadership by offering support, wisdom, and respect. When rightly understood, this divine order is not about hierarchy but harmony. Just as Christ submits to the Father and the Church submits to Christ, the marriage covenant reflects that same loving structure.
God-Given Differences with Divine Purpose
The differences between men and women go far beyond physical traits. God built deep distinctions into the way each thinks, feels, and responds. These differences are not problems to fix but gifts to embrace. A woman’s ability to nurture, empathize, and perceive emotional needs balances her husband’s strength, analytical nature, and desire to lead. The husband’s drive to protect and provide complements his wife’s gentleness and insight. When a wife recognizes that God designed these differences purposefully, she can see her role not as a limitation but as a vital calling. The goal is not equality in every task but unity of heart and mission. This is what Scripture calls “oneness”—two distinct individuals, united by purpose and love.
The Wife’s Four Main Responsibilities
The Bible outlines at least four practical responsibilities entrusted to wives. Each contributes to a strong and harmonious marriage: 1) Respect – Ephesians 5:33, 2) Submission – Ephesians 5:22, 3) Love – Titus 2:4, and 4) Making the home a priority – Titus 2:5; 1 Timothy 5:14. In this part, we’ll focus on the first and most foundational of these—respect.
Understanding Biblical Respect
Paul writes, “Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, Amplified). Another translation paraphrases it beautifully: “The wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband—obeying, praising, and honoring him.” To respect someone means to choose, from the heart, to value them—to hold them in esteem and show honor through words, actions, and attitudes. Biblical respect is not something forced by fear; it is given freely out of love for both God and husband. One way to think of it is this: respect is to a man what romance is to a woman. Just as most wives long to feel cherished and pursued, most husbands yearn to feel respected and admired. That is how God designed them. Marriage counselor Gary Smalley once said, “Men will do almost anything to gain the admiration of others. They will eternally search for someone to respect them. You can be that someone to your husband.” He encouraged wives to show genuine interest in their husband’s life and decisions. When he fails, he wrote, don’t react with disgust or criticism. Respond gently and respectfully, communicating faith in who he is and what he’s trying to do. Even in disagreement, a wife can express confidence in his leadership and commitment. As another pastor wisely summarized: Behind every successful man is a respectful wife.
The Spiritual Foundation for Respect
Respect begins not with feelings but with faith. It stems from understanding that God Himself established a pattern of authority within marriage. Ephesians 5:22–23 explains this order clearly: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church.” When a wife honors her husband’s God-given position, she is ultimately honoring the Lord who created marriage. The word submit in Greek (hupotasso) means “to arrange under.” It conveys order and cooperation, not inferiority. Think of it like a symphony orchestra. Each musician has a unique part to play. The music is beautiful only when everyone follows the conductor. In marriage, the husband carries the responsibility of leadership, and the wife contributes harmony by recognizing and supporting that role. Without respect, submission becomes nearly impossible. A wife who loses esteem for her husband’s leadership will naturally resist his guidance. But when she sees his role as part of God’s plan, she can joyfully align herself with it—not because her husband is perfect, but because she trusts God’s wisdom. Respect also encourages a husband to step up to his role. When a man knows his wife believes in him, it energizes and motivates him to lead well. Just as a husband’s love nurtures a wife’s heart, a wife’s respect strengthens her husband’s resolve.
What Submission Is Not
The word “submission” often carries negative connotations in modern culture. But Scripture’s teaching on submission is neither oppressive nor outdated—it is rooted in love and voluntary trust. Submission does not mean that a wife is inferior. Even Jesus, equal with the Father, chose to submit to His will. It does not mean losing one’s identity. God gave wives intelligence, creativity, and spiritual gifts to enrich their families. It does not mean blind obedience or overlooking wrongdoing. A godly wife can speak truth lovingly and wisely without disrespecting her husband. In fact, respectful influence is often far more powerful than harsh criticism. A quiet, steady spirit can accomplish what arguments never will.
Esther: A Model of Respect
Few biblical stories illustrate respectful influence more beautifully than the story of Esther. Esther was the young Jewish queen of King Ahasuerus, the most powerful man in Persia. When she learned of a plot to destroy her people, she faced a dangerous choice. Appearing before the king uninvited could mean death—yet Esther knew she had to intercede. Her approach offers a timeless example for wives today. Esther respected her husband’s position (Esther 5:1). She approached with humility and caution, honoring the authority of his office even as she prepared to plead her case. She respected his authority (Esther 5:2). When the king extended his golden scepter, Esther touched it in honor, showing reverence before speaking. She wisely waited for him to address her before sharing what was on her heart. She respected his power (Esther 5:4). Her words—“If it pleases the king…”—revealed genuine acknowledgment of his governing role and ability to act. Esther’s patience, tone, and timing all displayed profound respect, and through her obedience, God saved an entire nation. Your husband may not rule a kingdom, but he has his own “realm”—his home, his work, his responsibilities. Every man needs to know that his wife honors who he is and believes in what God is doing through him. Your respect can strengthen him beyond measure.
Respect Busters and Respect Builders
It’s sadly easy to tear down with a careless word or attitude. Many wives undermine their husband’s confidence without realizing it. Here are some common respect busters that can weaken a man’s spirit: resisting his decisions with a defiant attitude, taking control when you disagree, rejecting his physical affection, admiring others more than your husband, ignoring his accomplishments, or mismanaging family finances without communication. Each of these behaviors sends the message, “I don’t trust you or value what you do.” On the other hand, there are powerful respect builders: remembering his God-given position, focusing on his strengths, and expressing confidence in his leadership. Praise him often—but genuinely. Specific comments such as, “I’m proud of how you handled that situation,” or “You provide such stability to our family,” carry enormous weight. Be truthful but generous. Men thrive where they feel appreciated. Respect, spoken repeatedly in small ways, becomes the fuel that strengthens a husband’s heart.
Everyday Ways to Show Respect
Respect is not reserved for special occasions—it’s lived out daily. Listen attentively when your husband talks, even about topics that may not interest you. Ask for his input before making significant decisions. Defend him before others when someone criticizes or mocks him. Pray for him regularly, asking God to give him wisdom and courage to lead. Express gratitude for his hard work and faithfulness. These practical habits communicate one simple truth: I am on your team. Over time, this attitude builds a wall of trust that protects your marriage and draws your hearts closer together.
Final Thoughts
A wife who respects her husband is not catering to his ego—she is obeying God and honoring His design. Respect is an act of faith, not a reaction to perfection. When a wife chooses to respect her husband, she invites God’s blessing into their home. And something beautiful happens. A husband who feels respected naturally responds with greater love, tenderness, and affection. The cycle of love and respect begins to feed itself—her respect draws his love, and his love deepens her admiration. The wise and godly woman understands that respect is not earned by flawless performance; it is given as a reflection of her trust in God’s wisdom. When she walks in that faith, her marriage becomes more than a partnership—it becomes a living picture of Christ and His church, full of grace, honor, and unity.