It’s been a long day. You and your spouse climb into bed, looking forward to some rest. You each grab your phones, intending to check one quick thing. Ten minutes later, you’re still scrolling—reading a few posts, watching a funny clip, maybe checking the news. Your spouse is doing the same. Eventually, one of you drifts off mid-scroll. No real conversation happened, no prayer, no physical affection—just two people, side by side, connected to the world but disconnected from each other.

That’s the reality for many couples today. And while it might seem harmless on the surface, this nightly ritual can quietly undermine both the quality of your sleep and the intimacy of your marriage. It’s not just you and your spouse in bed anymore—there’s a third companion, glowing softly in the dark, stealing time, attention, and connection.

Emotional Disconnection and Lost Intimacy

Marriage thrives on connection—not only the big vacation moments or special anniversaries, but the everyday times that knit two lives together through talk, laughter, and closeness. The minutes before drifting off to sleep have always been precious—whispered conversations, a shared prayer, a goodnight kiss. But for many couples, those moments are now replaced by a phone screen.

When one or both spouses are absorbed in their devices before sleep, meaningful conversation is cut short—or never happens at all. These are moments when your spouse might have wanted to share something important from the day, express appreciation, or even bring up a concern. But the attention is taken. Over time, this pattern can lead to feelings of neglect. One partner may begin to think, “This device matters more to them than I do,” even if that’s not the intent. That perception can erode trust and cause subtle resentment to take root.

Studies show that couples who routinely scroll in bed experience a drop in emotional bonding and satisfaction. They miss countless small opportunities to affirm each other, share a laugh, or give physical affection. What’s lost isn’t always dramatic—it’s the combined weight of hundreds of these little missed moments that slowly wears down intimacy.

Erosion of Relationship Satisfaction and Increased Conflict

This habit has become so widespread that it even has a name: “phubbing”—phone snubbing. It describes what happens when we turn our attention to our devices instead of the person we’re with. In marriage, that’s especially damaging.

Couples who “phub” each other regularly report lower levels of satisfaction and higher levels of conflict. It’s not hard to see why. If someone consistently feels ignored at bedtime (or any time), frustration builds. They may stop making efforts to connect altogether, thinking, “Why bother? They’re just going to be on their phone.” This can open the door to distance, miscommunication, and even suspicion.

Over time, the message—intended or not—is clear: “You’re not worth my attention right now.” That hurts. And emotional hurt often sparks defensive habits in return, creating a cycle where neither partner feels fully seen or valued. What began as casual scrolling ends up as a serious obstacle in the relationship.

The Physical Costs You Might Not Notice

The negative effects aren’t just relational—they’re physical too. Lying in bed on your phone exposes your eyes to blue light, which suppresses melatonin, the hormone that helps you fall asleep. This means your body takes longer to wind down, and when you finally do drift off, the sleep you get may not be as deep or restorative.

Poor sleep affects far more than your energy level. It impacts your mood, patience, and even your ability to manage stress. Two tired, cranky spouses will find it harder to show kindness, stay calm during disagreements, or make wise decisions together. It’s amazing how many marriage problems get worse simply because both people are running on too little, low-quality rest.

Phones in bed also delay bedtime. What could have been a peaceful 10:30 lights-out can easily slide toward midnight once the scrolling rabbit hole opens. And the less rest you both get, the more vulnerable your relationship becomes to irritability and petty conflict the next day.

The Spiritual Consequences

For Christian couples, bedtime is more than a chance to rest—it’s a chance to nurture spiritual closeness. Those last quiet minutes of the day are ideal for prayer, expressing gratitude, discussing how you saw God work that day, or simply holding each other with no distractions.

But many couples give that space away to the phone. It’s not just a missed opportunity; over time, it can become a habit of spiritual drift. Instead of ending your day with God and each other, you end it with anxiety-inducing news, comparisons on social media, or the numbing draw of endless entertainment.

God’s Word reminds us that marriage is a covenant, where spouses are to “cherish” each other and hold that relationship second only to Him (Ephesians 5:31-33). When our nightly habit is to turn toward our phone instead of toward our spouse, we send the wrong message with our actions—and small choices, repeated over time, shape the culture of our marriage.

Why This Matters So Much

Bedtime is one of the few shared moments modern couples have left unclaimed by work, kids’ schedules, and outside commitments. If we fill those last sacred minutes with scrolling, we’re not just killing time—we’re handing over one of the best daily opportunities we have to connect.

The Bible tells us to “make the most of every opportunity” (Ephesians 5:16). That command doesn’t exclude the small, quiet moments. In fact, those may be the moments that matter most because they set the rhythm and tone of intimacy in our relationship.

What Christian Couples Can Do

If this is hitting close to home, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common relationship challenges I see today in counseling. The good news? With a few intentional steps, couples can reclaim their bedtime as a space for love, laughter, conversation, and prayer.

Declare the bed a phone-free zone. Agree with your spouse that devices stay out of the bed—or even the bedroom—except for emergencies. Charge your phones in another room to reduce temptation.

Prioritize bedtime connection. Replace scrolling with a simple nightly ritual: check in about your day, share one thing you appreciate about the other person, and—if you’re both willing—pray together. It doesn’t have to be long or formal; the goal is connection, not perfection.

Set boundaries for screen time. Decide together that an hour before bed is “screen off” time. Use that window to prepare for the next day, enjoy a snack together, or just talk.

Ask why you’re reaching for the phone. Sometimes scrolling isn’t just a habit—it’s a way to avoid uncomfortable topics, stress, or feelings of loneliness. If that’s the case, talk honestly about it. Vulnerability is hard, but intimacy requires it.

Invest in old-school tools. If you use your phone for an alarm, buy a simple alarm clock instead. Removing that excuse keeps temptation out of reach.

Pray for help. This isn’t just about discipline—it’s about love and priorities. Ask God to align your heart so that your spouse becomes your focus and joy in those moments, not your screen.

Breaking the Pattern

Habits don’t change overnight, and this one will probably feel harder to break than you expect. You might even experience “phone withdrawal” at first—restlessness, boredom, or the urge to check just one thing. But pushing through that discomfort will lead to deeper rest, better conversation, and more meaningful physical closeness.

Instead of thinking about what you’re giving up, focus on what you’re gaining—eye contact, laughter, comfort, shared dreams, prayer, and peace. These are the things that hold a marriage together in the long haul.

A Vision for Better Nights

Imagine lying down next to your spouse and feeling them turn toward you, not away into the glow of a device. Imagine ending your day with words of encouragement, a kiss, or shared prayer instead of with the flick of a thumb on glass. Imagine waking up the next morning feeling truly rested and truly connected.

That vision is possible, and it doesn’t require giving up technology entirely—just putting it in the right place in your priorities. The marriage bed was never meant to compete with apps, notifications, or endless updates. It was meant to be a place of unity, safety, and intimacy before God.

The Bottom Line

When couples take their phones to bed every night, it’s not just a harmless habit. It can quietly dismantle emotional closeness, increase conflict, disrupt sleep, and weaken spiritual intimacy. Like any seemingly small choice, it adds up—and the sum is not in your marriage’s favor.

Your spouse is a gift from God, entrusted to you to love, honor, and cherish. The phone is just a tool, designed for your use—not to compete for your heart. Winning this battle for bedtime is about more than better sleep. It’s about sending the daily message, “You are my priority. You matter more than anything else on this screen.”

So tonight, when the glow of your phone calls for your attention, make a different choice. Set it down. Turn toward your spouse. Rediscover the joy of being fully present, body and soul.

It’s time to let the “third person” in your bed go—and invite God and each other back into the place where love should live most deeply.