Categories: MarriageRelationships

Unpacking Your Emotional Baggage

“Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.” Heb. 12: 1

What Is Emotional Baggage?

“Emotional baggage” is a term used to describe unresolved emotional issues. These are negative and painful emotions associated with specific events, situations, incidences, or circumstances (e.g., abuse, neglect, trauma, abandonment, rejection, betrayal) in which someone psychologically wounded us OR in which we wounded another person. The painful emotions are “baggage” in the sense that that they have not been processed and our emotional growth and maturity.

Some are unaware of their emotional baggage as a result of denial. They do not make the connection between the painful events of the recent or distant past and the difficulties they resolved. Consequently, emotional baggage will continue to negatively affect us in at least two specific ways: it prevents us from having healthy relationships with others and/or retards are currently experiencing in their personal and interpersonal lives. Others, however, realize that they have emotional baggage, but are unwilling to address it. It is simply too painful to revisit the event, situation, incident or circumstance. They choose to live with the negative effects that it creates in their life and relationships.

Identifying Emotional Baggage

People with emotional baggage can often keep unresolved issues hidden for extended periods of time and even deceive themselves into believing that everything is under control. Eventually, however, their overwhelming unhappiness will push its way to the surface making it obvious to others that something is not right. The following are inappropriate coping behaviors that indicate a person may be carrying emotional baggage:

Insecurity
People pleasing
Low self-esteem, poor self-image
Difficulty showing or receiving love
Lack of self-confidence
Overly anxious and prone to panic
Recurrently depressed
Hypersensitive, “touchy”
Unrealistic expectations of others
Chronically angry, explosive, meltdowns
Grudge holding, bitter, vindictive, passive-aggressive
Overly anxious and fearful
Mistrustful, jealous, possessive
Needy; attention seeking
Controlling and demanding
Self-centered and selfish
Arrogant, lying to impress, egotistical
Perfectionistic, driven, workaholic
Escape behaviors (e.g., food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping)
Social withdrawal, isolation

Unpacking Your Emotional Baggage

Admit you have baggage!

We all have emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked. No one gets through life without being wounded or wounding others. If you are going to unpack your emotional baggage, you first need to be honest with yourself. Start the healing process by answering some basic questions:

Who is it that you resent or blame for your emotional pain?

For most of us, it is hard to admit that people, especially those who were supposed to love and protect us, mistreated and harmed us. Some may even blame God.

What did they say or do to you?

Make a list of everything that was said or done to you, which you still hold against them. Don’t explain away their sinful behavior, but be honest with yourself.

What have you said or done that you deeply regret and still feel a sense of guilt and shame?

Emotional pain also results from the foolish and ungodly things that we have said or done to others. Make a list of things that you regret saying or doing.

Stop making excuses for dealing with your baggage.

Confronting your emotional baggage takes courage. There may be many very powerful feelings associated with your baggage, which may seem overwhelming. To delay in addressing your unresolved issues is to postpone the healing process.

Stop the blame game.

Although it is much easier to go through life blaming others and ourselves than directly addressing the unresolved issue, we must eventually take responsibility for our life if we are going to be healthy and whole. The blame game doesn’t change anything. If you are stuck in this cycle—snap out of it! Your life will never get better and you will never move forward until you stop the blame game.

Grant forgiveness.

After admitting that you have emotional baggage, understanding where it comes from, and that you have been choosing to hold onto it, the next step is to let it go. It is time to stop blaming and holding resentment against yourself and those who have wounded you. Let go of the anger, pain, blame, resentment and all other emotions that are depleting your energy. This is accomplished by forgiving yourself and by forgiving others. You won’t ever forget what got you to this point, but forgiveness will allow you the freedom to leave it in the past where it belongs.

Bill