We Have Become Roommates

Have you ever looked across the dinner table at your spouse and realized you feel more like roommates than a married couple? Maybe you share a house, bills, and responsibilities-but the spark, the laughter, and the deep conversations have faded. If you’re honest, it feels like you’re just coexisting. You’re not alone. Many Christian couples find themselves in this place at some point in their marriage.

If you’re reading this, you probably want more. You want to be close, to feel loved and understood, to share more than just chores and schedules. The good news? God wants that for your marriage, too. Let’s talk about what’s really going on, why it happens, and how you can move from “just roommates” back to being true partners in life and love.

How Did We Get Here?

First, take a deep breath. This is more common than you think. Most couples don’t drift apart overnight. It’s usually a slow fade-a series of small choices, busy seasons, or unresolved hurts that build up over time. Here are some reasons couples become “roommates”:

• Busyness: Jobs, kids, church, and life can leave little time or energy for each other.

• Unresolved Conflict: Hurt feelings or arguments that never get resolved can create emotional distance.

• Lack of Communication: You talk about schedules and bills, but not your hearts or dreams.

• Neglecting Romance: The fun, flirting, and affection that once came naturally have been replaced by routines.

• Spiritual Drift: When you stop praying together or growing in faith as a couple, you lose a vital connection.

Sound familiar? The truth is, even strong Christian couples can find themselves here. But you don’t have to stay stuck.

God’s Design for Marriage: More Than Roommates

God didn’t design marriage to be a business partnership or a roommate arrangement. In Genesis 2:24, He says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” That “one flesh” is about deep intimacy-emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Marriage is meant to reflect the love, unity, and joy of Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:25-33). It’s about companionship, support, and growing together. When you settle for just being roommates, you’re missing out on the fullness God intended.

Recognizing the Warning Signs

How do you know if you’ve slipped into “roommate mode”? Here are some clues:

• Conversations are mostly about logistics, not dreams or feelings.

• Physical affection is rare or feels awkward.

• You spend more time on screens or with others than with each other.

• You avoid conflict instead of working through it.

• You feel lonely, even when you’re together.

If this describes your marriage, don’t panic. But don’t ignore it, either. Roommate marriages don’t usually fix themselves. It takes intentional effort, humility, and God’s help to turn things around.

First Steps: Turning Toward Each Other

1. Invite God Into the Process

Before you try to “fix” your spouse or your marriage, start with prayer. Ask God to soften your heart, give you wisdom, and show you where you need to change. Pray for your spouse, too-not that God would “fix” them, but that He would bless them and draw you closer together.

Remember, God cares deeply about your marriage. He is for you, not against you.

2. Own Your Part

It’s easy to blame your spouse for the distance. But real change starts when you look in the mirror. Ask yourself:

• Have I been neglecting our relationship?

• Have I let bitterness or resentment build up?

• Have I stopped pursuing my spouse?

• Have I been too busy or distracted?

Be honest, and be willing to apologize. Humility goes a long way in breaking down walls.

3. Start Small, but Start Today

You don’t have to overhaul your marriage overnight. Small, consistent steps make a big difference over time. Here are a few ideas:

• Check in daily: Ask about your spouse’s day and really listen.

• Share a meal together: No screens, just conversation.

• Pray together: Even a short prayer can reconnect you spiritually.

• Show affection: A hug, a touch, or a kind word goes a long way.

Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy

Marriage is about more than sharing space-it’s about sharing your hearts. Here’s how to move from “roommates” to real partners again:

1. Make Time for Each Other

Busyness is the enemy of intimacy. Schedule regular time together, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Go for a walk, have coffee, or sit on the porch and talk. Protect this time like you would any important appointment.

2. Communicate Honestly and Kindly

Talk about more than just logistics. Share your hopes, fears, and even your disappointments. Be vulnerable-it’s scary, but it’s the path to real connection. And remember, “Let your conversation be always full of grace” (Colossians 4:6).

3. Resolve Conflicts God’s Way

Don’t sweep hurts under the rug. Address issues with honesty and grace. Be quick to forgive, just as Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to a Christian counselor or mentor.

4. Rekindle Romance and Fun

Remember when you used to laugh together, flirt, or go on dates? It’s not too late! Plan something fun. Leave a note. Surprise your spouse. Even if it feels awkward at first, keep trying. Romance is like a muscle-the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

5. Grow Spiritually Together

Pray together. Read Scripture. Attend church as a couple. Talk about what God is teaching you. Spiritual intimacy is the glue that holds everything else together.

When One Spouse Isn’t Interested

What if you want to reconnect, but your spouse seems content being “roommates”? This is tough, but don’t lose hope. You can’t force intimacy, but you can change the atmosphere by changing how you respond.

• Keep loving and serving: Don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move.

• Pray persistently: God can soften even the hardest heart.

• Set healthy boundaries: Don’t enable neglect or disrespect, but respond with grace.

• Seek support: Find encouragement from trusted Christian friends or a counselor.

Remember, God sees your efforts and honors your faithfulness.

Stories of Hope

Many couples have been where you are-and seen God do amazing things. I’ve counseled couples who barely spoke to each other, who felt nothing but apathy, and who thought their marriage was beyond hope. Through prayer, humility, and small steps of faith, they rediscovered friendship, affection, and even joy.

God is in the business of restoring what feels dead. Don’t underestimate what He can do in your marriage.

A Prayer for Roommate Marriages

“Lord, we confess that we’ve drifted apart. We need Your help to reconnect and love each other the way You intended. Soften our hearts, heal our wounds, and give us courage to take the first step. Teach us to forgive, to listen, and to pursue each other again. Restore our marriage for Your glory. Amen.”

Don’t Settle for Less Than God’s Best

If you feel like roommates, don’t give up. This isn’t the end of your story. With God’s help, you can move from coexisting to truly connecting. It won’t always be easy, and it may take time-but every small step matters.

Remember, marriage is a journey. There will be seasons of distance, but also seasons of closeness and joy. Keep turning toward each other, keep inviting God into your relationship, and keep believing that He can do more than you ask or imagine.

You don’t have to settle for a “roommate” marriage. With God, there is always hope for new intimacy, new laughter, and new love. Take the first step today-you’ll be glad you did.