What to Look for in a Spouse

Looking for a spouse can feel overwhelming. There’s so much advice out there—some good, some confusing, and some that just doesn’t fit what you believe. If you’re a Christian, you probably want more than just a checklist of traits; you want to know what God says about marriage and what really matters for a lifelong partnership. Let’s break it down in a way that’s simple, practical, and rooted in biblical wisdom, so you can approach this big decision with confidence and peace.

Why Who You Marry Matters

Marriage isn’t just a fancy party or a box to check off in life. It’s a lifelong commitment, meant to reflect God’s love and faithfulness. The person you marry will shape your future, your faith, your family, and even your legacy. That’s why it’s so important to look beyond surface-level qualities and focus on what really counts.

Start with the Heart: Shared Faith

If you’re a Christian, the most important thing to look for in a spouse is someone who shares your faith in Jesus. The Bible calls this being “equally yoked.” It doesn’t mean you have to agree on every little detail, but your core beliefs and values should line up. When you both love God first, you’ll have a stronger foundation for everything else—communication, decision-making, raising kids, handling money, and even working through tough times.

A shared faith isn’t just about going to church together. It’s about both of you wanting to grow closer to God, seeking His will, and letting Him shape your lives. When you’re both pulling in the same direction spiritually, it’s a lot easier to face life’s challenges as a team.

Character Over Chemistry

Attraction is definitely important—you want to be drawn to your spouse! But looks and chemistry fade with time. Character lasts. Ask yourself: Is this person honest? Are they kind, patient, and humble? Do they show self-control, or do they fly off the handle when things don’t go their way?

The Bible talks a lot about the “fruit of the Spirit”—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities are way more important than a great smile or a charming personality. Look for someone who lives out their faith, not just talks about it.

Emotional and Relational Maturity

Marriage is a partnership between two adults, not two kids playing house. Look for someone who’s emotionally mature—someone who can handle stress, disappointment, and conflict without falling apart or blaming others. Are they willing to admit when they’re wrong? Can they apologize and forgive? Do they know how to communicate openly, or do they shut down or explode when things get tough?

Maturity also means being able to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own. Marriage is full of moments where you have to compromise, sacrifice, and serve each other. If you find someone who’s willing to do that, you’re off to a great start.

A Servant’s Heart

The Bible calls us to love one another as Christ loved us. That means serving, sacrificing, and sometimes laying down your own preferences for the good of your spouse. Look for someone who’s not afraid to help others, who’s generous with their time and resources, and who doesn’t always have to be first.

This doesn’t mean you need to find a doormat or someone with no opinions. It means finding a partner who values teamwork and is willing to work together for the good of the relationship. If they’re selfish or always have to have their way, that’s a red flag.

Healthy Communication Skills

You can’t build a strong marriage without good communication. Look for someone who’s willing to talk about hard things, listen without interrupting, and work through disagreements without attacking or withdrawing. Do they ask good questions? Are they curious about your thoughts and feelings, or do they just want to talk about themselves?

Communication isn’t just about words—it’s about body language, tone, and attitude. Pay attention to how they handle conflict, how they treat people who disagree with them, and whether they’re willing to work through issues instead of sweeping them under the rug.

Shared Life Goals and Values

It’s not enough to just get along—you need to be heading in the same direction. Talk about the big stuff: Do you both want kids? How do you feel about money, career, and where you want to live? What are your dreams for the future? If your goals and values are wildly different, it will be hard to build a life together.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but you should be able to find common ground on the things that matter most. If you’re not sure, talk it out before you get too serious. It’s better to find out now than after you’re married.

Respect for Boundaries

A healthy spouse respects your boundaries—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They don’t pressure you to do things you’re uncomfortable with, and they honor your values and convictions. Pay attention to how they respond when you say “no” or set a limit. Do they get angry or try to manipulate you, or do they listen and respect your wishes?

Boundaries are a sign of respect and trust. If someone can’t respect your boundaries now, it’s unlikely they’ll respect them after you’re married.

Ability to Forgive and Seek Forgiveness

No one is perfect. You’re both going to mess up, say the wrong thing, or hurt each other’s feelings at some point. What matters is how you handle it. Look for someone who’s quick to apologize, slow to hold grudges, and willing to work through issues instead of running away or shutting down.

Forgiveness is the glue that holds marriages together. If your potential spouse can’t forgive or always has to be right, that’s a warning sign.

A Track Record of Faithfulness

Trust is the foundation of any strong marriage. Look for someone who keeps their promises, shows up when they say they will, and follows through on their commitments. If they have a history of cheating, lying, or breaking trust, don’t ignore it. People can change, but patterns matter.

Faithfulness isn’t just about sexual purity—it’s about being reliable, honest, and loyal in every area of life.

A Sense of Humor and Joy

Life is hard sometimes, and marriage will have its ups and downs. It helps to have a spouse who can laugh, find joy in the little things, and not take themselves too seriously. Shared laughter can get you through a lot of tough days.

Support for Your Growth

A good spouse will encourage you to grow—spiritually, emotionally, and even professionally. They won’t be threatened by your success or try to hold you back. Instead, they’ll cheer you on, pray for you, and help you become the best version of yourself.

Look for someone who believes in you, challenges you in a loving way, and wants to see you thrive.

Healthy Family Relationships

Pay attention to how your potential spouse treats their family. Are they respectful, even if the relationships are complicated? Do they have healthy boundaries with parents and siblings? Family dynamics can play a big role in your future marriage, so it’s wise to talk about expectations, traditions, and how you’ll handle family issues together.

Willingness to Work Through Problems

Marriage isn’t always easy. There will be seasons of struggle, disappointment, and even conflict. Look for someone who’s willing to roll up their sleeves and work through problems, not just bail when things get tough. Are they open to counseling, prayer, and seeking help when needed? Do they see marriage as a lifelong commitment, or just something to try out?

Intimacy and Affection

Physical and emotional intimacy are important parts of marriage. Look for someone who’s comfortable expressing affection, who values closeness, and who’s willing to grow in this area with you. Talk openly about your expectations and needs, and make sure you’re on the same page about what intimacy means to both of you.

A Heart for Serving God Together

One of the most beautiful things about Christian marriage is the chance to serve God as a team. Look for someone who wants to make a difference in the world, whether it’s through church, missions, hospitality, or simply loving your neighbors well. When you serve together, your marriage becomes about more than just the two of you—it becomes a way to reflect God’s love to others.

Red Flags to Watch Out For

It’s easy to overlook warning signs when you’re in love, but don’t ignore them. Here are a few red flags:

• Dishonesty or secrecy

• Controlling or manipulative behavior

• Unresolved addictions or unhealthy habits

• Lack of accountability or unwillingness to grow

• Disrespect for your faith or values

• Consistent negativity or criticism

If you see these patterns, take them seriously. Don’t rush into marriage hoping things will magically change.

Pray, Wait, and Trust God

Finding a spouse isn’t about finding someone perfect—it’s about finding someone who loves God, loves you, and is willing to grow together. Pray for wisdom, be patient, and trust God’s timing. Sometimes the waiting is hard, but God knows what you need and when you need it.

Surround yourself with wise friends and mentors who can offer perspective and support. Invite God into the process, and let Him guide your steps.

Final Thoughts

Choosing a spouse is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Don’t settle for less than God’s best. Look for someone with a strong faith, godly character, emotional maturity, and a heart for serving others. Build a relationship on trust, respect, and shared values, and you’ll be on your way to a marriage that honors God and brings you joy.

Remember, marriage isn’t just about finding the right person—it’s about becoming the right person, too. Keep growing, keep praying, and keep trusting God to lead you. The journey may not always be easy, but it’s worth it. God’s design for marriage is good, and He wants to bless you with a spouse who will walk beside you through every season of life.