Forgiveness is a Choice

As Christians, we know that forgiveness is central to our faith. The Bible repeatedly instructs us to forgive others, just as God has forgiven us through Christ. Ephesians 4:32 says to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Jesus himself taught that we should forgive others not just seven times, but “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22).

However, knowing we should forgive and actually doing it can be two very different things, especially when we have been deeply hurt by someone close to us, like a spouse. Choosing to forgive may seem utterly impossible when the wounds inflicted cut straight to the heart. We may feel justified in our anger and resentment, not wanting to let the other person “off the hook” for the pain they caused.

If you are struggling to forgive your spouse or partner for something they have done to hurt you, here are some important biblical principles and practical steps to help guide you through the process of forgiveness, even when it seems impossible.

Forgiveness is a Choice and a Process

First, it’s crucial to understand that forgiveness is both a choice and a process. Rarely do we feel a rush of warm, fuzzy feelings that inspire us to instantly forgive someone who has wronged us. Rather, forgiveness often begins with a decision of the will to release the offender and cancel the debt they owe us, even if our emotions are not yet in alignment.

This decision usually needs to be made over and over, as hurtful memories and feelings of anger or bitterness resurface. Forgiveness is not a one-time event, but an ongoing practice of surrendering our hurts and entrusting ultimate justice to God. As one wise older woman explained, forgiveness is like the initial decision to no longer use your wounded arm against your spouse. But the arm must heal over time.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean Forgetting or Excusing Sin

Many people mistakenly believe that to forgive means to forget the offense ever happened or to excuse or minimize the wrongdoing. But this is not the biblical meaning of forgiveness. God does not expect us to erase the painful memories or deny the reality that we were sinned against.

What forgiveness does mean is choosing to no longer hold the offense against the person or demand that they pay for their wrongdoing. It means surrendering our right to get even and trusting God to deal with the offender in His perfect way and timing. As Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

Forgiveness and Reconciliation are Not the Same

It’s also important to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness can take place even if the offender does not repent and the relationship is not restored. It takes two people to reconcile, but only one to forgive.

This is especially relevant in cases of serious, ongoing sin against you, such as abuse or infidelity. You can and should still forgive the person who has hurt you. But that does not necessarily mean you should automatically trust them again or continue in the relationship without significant changes. Forgiveness and wise boundaries can coexist.

As Christian counselor Leslie Vernick explains: “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to be close to them again. And forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you continue to allow them to sin against you. Some people are not good for you and some relationships are destructive.”

Look to Jesus as Your Model and Power to Forgive

Ultimately, our ability to forgive others flows out of a deep understanding of how much God has forgiven us in Christ. When we grasp the enormous debt Christ paid for us on the cross, how can we refuse to forgive the much smaller debts others owe to us?

Looking to Jesus as both our model and our source of strength is key when forgiveness seems impossible. Even as He was being crucified, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). He chose to respond to evil with forgiveness and entrusted Himself to the One who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23).

When we are united with Christ, this same power to forgive becomes available to us through the Holy Spirit. We can’t conjure up forgiveness on our own; it is a gift of grace that comes from abiding in the God who is love (1 John 4:16). The more we meditate on the gospel and how much we have been forgiven, the more we will find the desire and ability to extend that forgiveness to others.

Practical Steps for the Journey of Forgiveness

If you are struggling to forgive your spouse, here are some practical steps to help you move forward:

1. Be honest with God about your hurt and anger. Pour out your heart to Him in lament and ask for His perspective, healing and strength to forgive.
2. Remember how much God has forgiven you. Meditate on scriptures that highlight God’s mercy toward you, such as Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13 and the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35.
3. Make the decision to forgive, even if you don’t feel it yet. Communicate to God and to your spouse (if appropriate) that you are choosing to release the offense and forgive.
4. Pray for your spouse. Ask God to help you see them through His eyes and to give you genuine compassion for them. Pray for their growth and for God to bless them (Matthew 5:44).
5. Establish appropriate boundaries. Forgiving does not mean enabling sin to continue. Prayerfully consider if changes need to be made in your relationship to prevent further harm and to motivate true repentance.
6. Seek help and support. Share your struggle with a trusted friend, pastor or counselor who can pray with you and provide wise counsel. Don’t attempt the journey of forgiveness alone.

Remember, forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice to walk in obedience to God and to pursue healing and freedom for your own soul. It is absolutely worth the effort. As Christian author Lewis B. Smedes wrote: “When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself.”

May God give you the grace and strength to forgive, so that you can experience the abundant life and relationships He intends for you. As Ephesians 4:32 urges: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”