Marriage is meant to be a partnership—a beautiful dance where both husband and wife move together, supporting, loving, and encouraging one another. But what happens when it feels like you’re the only one putting in the effort? Maybe you’re the one planning date nights, seeking to resolve conflict, praying for your spouse, or simply trying to keep your marriage afloat, while your partner seems distant or uninterested. If this is your reality, you’re not alone. Many Christian spouses find themselves in seasons where it feels like only one is trying. Let’s talk honestly about this struggle, why it happens, and how you can respond in a way that honors God, your marriage, and your own heart.

Why Does This Happen?

It’s easy to feel discouraged or even resentful when you’re the only one investing in your marriage. But before you give up hope, it’s important to understand some common reasons why one spouse may seem to stop trying:

  • Life’s Pressures: Work stress, parenting, health issues, or financial worries can sap a person’s emotional energy.

  • Unresolved Hurt: Past arguments, betrayals, or disappointments can cause a spouse to withdraw.

  • Different Love Languages: Sometimes, your spouse is trying—but in ways you don’t recognize.

  • Spiritual Drift: When one spouse’s relationship with God grows cold, it often affects their marriage.

  • Complacency: Over time, couples can slip into routines and take each other for granted.

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse neglect, but it can help soften your heart and open the door to empathy and prayer.

God’s Heart for Struggling Marriages

God designed marriage to be a lifelong, loving covenant. In Malachi 2:16, God says, “I hate divorce,” not because He wants us to be miserable, but because He knows the pain that broken relationships cause. The Bible is full of stories of God’s faithfulness, even when His people were unfaithful. This is the model for Christian love—steadfast, sacrificial, and rooted in grace.

Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That’s a high calling! Christ’s love was not dependent on our response; He loved us even when we were indifferent or rebellious. While marriage is a two-way street, God calls each spouse to faithfulness, even when it’s hard.

What Does “Trying” Look Like?

Trying in marriage isn’t about grand gestures or always getting it right. It’s about daily choices to love, serve, and pursue your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. Here are some practical ways “trying” might look:

  • Praying for your spouse and your marriage

  • Initiating conversations, even when they’re tough

  • Planning time together, even if your spouse seems uninterested

  • Choosing forgiveness over bitterness

  • Seeking help or counseling when needed

  • Refusing to give up, even when you feel alone

If you’re doing these things, you’re not failing—you’re fighting for your marriage.

The Emotional Toll of Being the Only One Trying

Let’s be honest: carrying the weight of a marriage alone is exhausting. You might feel:

  • Lonely, even when you’re together

  • Frustrated or angry at your spouse’s lack of effort

  • Discouraged, wondering if things will ever change

  • Tempted to give up, or to look for comfort elsewhere

These feelings are real and valid. God sees your pain and invites you to bring your burdens to Him. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” You are not alone in this struggle.

Guarding Your Heart

When you’re the only one trying, it’s easy for resentment, bitterness, or self-pity to take root. Here are some ways to guard your heart:

  • Pray Honestly: Tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle your anger, sadness, and disappointment.

  • Refuse Bitterness: Ask God to help you forgive your spouse, even if they don’t ask for it.

  • Stay Accountable: Talk to a trusted Christian friend, pastor, or counselor who can encourage you and pray with you.

  • Remember Your Worth: Your value doesn’t come from your spouse’s approval or effort. You are loved and cherished by God.

Loving Without Enabling

Loving your spouse when they’re not trying doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine. Healthy love sometimes means setting boundaries, having hard conversations, or seeking outside help. Here’s how to love without enabling:

  • Speak the Truth in Love: Gently express how you feel and what you need. Use “I” statements, like “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together.”

  • Set Boundaries: If your spouse’s behavior is hurtful or destructive (like addiction or abuse), it’s okay to set limits and seek help.

  • Invite, Don’t Nag: Encourage your spouse to engage, but avoid constant criticism or guilt trips.

  • Seek Support: Don’t try to carry the burden alone. Reach out to your church, a counselor, or a support group.

When to Seek Help

Sometimes, being the only one trying is a sign of deeper issues—like addiction, infidelity, or emotional abuse. If you’re in a situation that feels unsafe, or if your spouse refuses to engage at all, it’s important to seek help. God does not call you to endure abuse or neglect in silence. Reach out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or Christian friend for support and guidance.

What About Separation or Divorce?

The Bible takes marriage seriously, and so should we. Separation or divorce should never be the first option, but in cases of unrepentant sin, abuse, or abandonment, it may be necessary for safety and healing. If you’re considering this step, seek wise counsel and pray earnestly for God’s direction.

Finding Hope When You Feel Alone

It’s easy to lose hope when you’re the only one trying. But God specializes in bringing life out of dead places. Here are some ways to hold on to hope:

  • Remember God’s Faithfulness: He is with you, even in the darkest seasons.

  • Focus on Your Growth: Use this time to grow closer to God, develop your character, and find joy in Him.

  • Pray for Your Spouse: Ask God to soften their heart and renew their desire for your marriage.

  • Celebrate Small Wins: Notice and appreciate even the smallest steps of progress.

  • Trust God with the Outcome: You can’t control your spouse, but you can trust God to work in their life and yours.

Encouragement from Scripture

Here are some Bible verses to cling to when you feel like you’re the only one trying:

  • “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

  • “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

  • “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

  • “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

Practical Steps for the Spouse Who’s Trying

If you’re the one carrying the load, here are some practical steps to keep going without burning out:

  • Take Care of Yourself: Get rest, eat well, and make time for things that bring you joy.

  • Stay Connected to God: Spend time in prayer, worship, and reading Scripture.

  • Find Community: Don’t isolate yourself. Lean on friends, family, and your church.

  • Keep the Door Open: Even if your spouse is distant, keep inviting them to connect—without pressure or expectation.

  • Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge any positive changes, no matter how small.

When Things Start to Change

Sometimes, your faithfulness will inspire your spouse to re-engage. Other times, change is slow or doesn’t happen at all. Remember, your effort is not wasted. God sees every act of love, every prayer, every tear. Your obedience and faithfulness matter, regardless of the outcome.

If your spouse begins to try again, welcome them with grace. Don’t hold past hurts over their head. Start fresh, and invite God to rebuild your marriage on a foundation of forgiveness and hope.

A Word to the Spouse Who Isn’t Trying

If you’re reading this and realize you’ve stopped investing in your marriage, it’s not too late to start again. Ask God for a renewed heart. Apologize to your spouse. Take one small step today—plan a date, start a conversation, pray together. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

Being the only one trying in marriage is one of the hardest places to be. But you are not alone. God is with you, and He honors your faithfulness. Keep loving, keep praying, and keep hoping. Trust that God can bring new life to your marriage, even when things seem hopeless. Your effort matters, and with God’s help, you can find strength, peace, and maybe even restoration.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. There will be seasons of struggle and seasons of joy. No matter where you are, God’s love is enough to carry you through. Keep pressing on, and remember: with God, nothing is impossible.