Categories: Marriage

When Your Husband Won’t Go to Marriage Counseling

You are not alone; this is a common problem that marriage counselors often hear. Wives report a variety of reasons why their husbands will not come to marriage counseling:

He has already “checked-out” of the relationship emotionally.
He does not “believe” in counseling; it’s a sham that won’t work.
He doesn’t think he has a problem.
He believes that therapy is for “losers” who can’t fix their problems.
He is afraid that he will be exposed in some way (e.g., cheating, addiction).
He had a bad experience with counseling in the past.
He fears that he will be attacked (i.e., therapist will take her side).
He thinks that you are the primary reason for the marital problems.
He thinks counseling is too expensive.
He sees counseling as a punishment.
He doesn’t want to tell a stranger his problems.
He has a difficult time expressing his feelings.

4 Losing Strategies

I understand that getting your husband to marriage counseling can be a challenging process. However, what many women don’t realize is that the most common strategies usually have a negative, counterproductive effect—in other words, he becomes more resistant. The following are the top four strategies that you should avoid:

Nagging—Nagging means to “irritate by constant scolding or urging.” One of the main problems with nagging is that pleading/complaining/urging isn’t effective and rarely gets “the nagger” what she really wants. “I keep asking him to come, and he doesn’t want to talk about it.”
Threatening—Anything that starts with, “Well if you don’t go then I’m going to…” or “Ok then, since you’re not going to go, then you’ve left me with no choice other than…”

Threatening is rarely effective because your husband is already filled with shame about his shortcomings. Shame-filled men usually respond in one of two ways when threatened: turn in or turn out. Turning in may include such behaviors as increasing substance use/abuse, isolating, avoiding, or poor personal care. Turning in further cuts the wife off from the desired connection they are seeking from their husband, making bad things worse. Turning out is where the response is targeted at you through conflict (physical or verbal), seeking support from other unhealthy relationships (affairs), etc.

Retaliating—This is where the wife, who already feels victimized by their husband, responds by victimizing him. For example, a wife discovers that her husband has been sending emails to his old high school girlfriend. She demands that they go to marriage counseling, and after weeks of no compliance she takes off her wedding rings and starts dressing in a provocative manner.
Icing—A wife does this by ignoring conversations, not taking calls, canceling dates, not returning emails, etc.

8 Potential Winning Strategies

Start Going by Yourself—Much of his anxiety about going to counseling may be alleviated by you taking the first step. In our culture, many men see counseling as something for the weak and unwise. Getting exposed to some of the details of the counseling process and seeing the changes in you can be powerful motivators.
Consider Going to a Male Therapist—Some men fear that therapy will seek to “feminize” them. Others feel more comfortable talking about specific types of struggles with a male counselor. The ability for the client to relate to and have a connection with the therapist is more critical to the successful outcome of treatment than the treatment type. So if it’s easier for your husband to relate to another man, a male therapist may good option.
Normalize the Process of Not Wanting to Go—You may be surprised by how many people you know have gone for counseling in the past. See if any of your friends are willing to share their story of how they may have been resistant to the idea of going and what happened to change their mind. Share your own experience about the uncertainty of going to see a counselor.
Starting a Legacy of New Health—A powerful tool for motivating your husband to seek help is to appeal to the welfare of his children. While he may be content to continue in self-destructive behavior, there is usually a strong desire for it to not affect his children. One thing that counseling offers is the chance to end the legacy of shame and guilt that plagues him. He now has a chance to become the hero that turned his family away from its destructive course, ensuring that his children will be free of the family curse.
Tactfully Express Your Assessment of the Marriage—Sometimes when wives ask their husband why they eventually chose to come to counseling, he often states that he didn’t realize how dysfunctional the relationship had become. Typically, the wife is about 1-3 years ahead of the emotional process in the relationship. For example, a husband can mistakenly feel relieved when his wife stops screaming when he stays out late. He may actually believe that the relationship is improving when, in fact, she has a foot out the door. What he doesn’t realize is that she is in a “numb” stage from emotional exhaustion.
Express That Getting Help Isn’t Shameful—Even the best athletes in the world have coaches. Ask your husband how important a coach is to the performance of a football team. He may then understand how a counselor plays the role of a coach by reviewing the film, going over past experiences, preparing for future situations, and giving an outside perspective from someone who knows how the game is played. He’s getting a relationship coach. Someone to expose his weaknesses, accentuate his strengths, and push him to levels of higher performance.
Suggest a Three-Session Trial Run—If your counselor can’t connect with your husband by the third session, it may be time to change counselors. Usually by the third session most males begin to feel more comfortable with the idea of counseling. Some may even be excited that counseling can possibly resolve many of their marital problems.
THE BIG GUN—If the previous strategies have not been effective, you may need to consider this option. Tell him lovingly, at the appropriate time, that he is acting the same way his Dad did. For many men, the fear of becoming like their father is enough to get them into counseling.