Sexual intimacy is one of the most beautiful and sometimes complicated aspects of marriage. For many Christian couples, the question of “Who should initiate sex?” can be a source of confusion, frustration, or even hurt feelings. Some husbands wonder why their wives rarely make the first move, while wives may feel uncertain about what’s expected of them. Let’s explore this topic openly, honestly, and biblically, with practical insights for both husbands and wives.

God’s Design for Sexual Intimacy

God created sex as a good gift for married couples. In Genesis, we see that God designed man and woman to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24), a union that is physical, emotional, and spiritual. The Bible celebrates the joy and pleasure of sex within marriage (see Song of Solomon), and also gives guidance on how spouses should treat each other in this area.

Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is especially relevant:

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

This passage makes it clear: both husband and wife have a responsibility to pursue and enjoy sexual intimacy together.

Who Should Initiate Sex?

The short answer is: both! God’s design is for mutual pursuit, mutual enjoyment, and mutual giving. The Bible never says that only the husband or only the wife should initiate sex. In fact, Paul’s teaching about mutual authority over each other’s bodies suggests that both have the right and the responsibility to seek intimacy.

  • Husbands should initiate sex as an expression of love, desire, and commitment.

  • Wives should also initiate sex as an expression of love, desire, and commitment.

Initiation is not just about who makes the first move. It’s about both partners being willing to express their desire, affection, and longing for one another.

Why Do Wives Typically Not Initiate Sex?

Even though both spouses are encouraged to initiate, in many Christian marriages, it’s often the husband who takes the lead. Why is this the case? There are several reasons—some biological, some cultural, and some spiritual.

1. Differences in Sexual Desire

Men and women are wired differently when it comes to sexual desire. For many men, desire tends to be more spontaneous—they feel desire first, and then seek out intimacy. For many women, desire is more responsive—it often grows after intimacy begins, rather than before.

  • Men often experience desire before sexual activity.

  • Women often experience desire as a result of sexual activity.

This means that wives may not feel a strong urge to initiate, simply because their bodies and minds don’t work the same way as their husbands’.

2. Cultural and Church Messages

Many women have grown up with messages—sometimes from church, sometimes from family, sometimes from the broader culture—that tell them “good girls don’t want sex,” or that it’s somehow undignified for a woman to be sexually assertive. There’s a lingering idea that men are supposed to be the initiators, and women are supposed to be the responders.

  • Some wives feel it’s “not ladylike” or “not dignified” to initiate sex.

  • Others worry about being seen as “too forward” or “improper.”

  • In some church circles, the idea of a sexually confident wife is still seen as taboo.

These messages can make wives hesitant to initiate, even if they want to.

3. Fear of Rejection

Initiating sex is vulnerable. When you make the first move, you risk being turned down. For many wives, especially if they’ve been rejected before, the fear of rejection is enough to keep them from trying again. Some women may feel that if their husband says “not tonight,” it means he doesn’t find them attractive or desirable.

  • The risk of rejection can be especially painful for wives who already struggle with self-esteem or body image issues.

  • Some wives may have tried to initiate in the past and been turned down, so they stop trying.

4. Emotional and Mental Load

Many wives carry a heavy load of responsibilities—work, children, household management, church activities, and more. By the end of the day, they may simply be exhausted. Mental fatigue can kill desire, making it hard to even think about sex, much less initiate it.

  • Emotional and physical exhaustion can make sex feel like just one more thing on the to-do list.

  • When a wife is overwhelmed, she may not have the energy to initiate, even if she wants to be close to her husband.

5. Lack of Confidence or Experience

Some wives have never learned how to initiate sex or express their desires. They may feel awkward, embarrassed, or unsure about what to do or say. If sex was never openly discussed in their family or church growing up, they may not have any positive examples to follow.

  • Many wives are waiting for “the right mood” or a perfect moment, which rarely comes.

  • Others worry about doing it “wrong” or being rejected.

6. Unresolved Issues in the Relationship

If there are unresolved conflicts, hurt feelings, or lack of emotional connection, wives may withdraw from sexual intimacy. For many women, emotional closeness is a prerequisite for physical intimacy. If they don’t feel loved, valued, or respected, they may not feel safe enough to initiate sex.

  • Emotional distance or ongoing conflict can shut down a wife’s desire to initiate.

  • Some wives use withholding sex as a way to express frustration or disappointment (though this is not God’s design).

What Can Husbands Do?

If you’re a husband who wishes your wife would initiate more often, here are some practical steps:

  • Affirm her beauty and desirability. Let her know you find her attractive, even on her worst days.

  • Make her feel safe and cherished. Emotional security is the foundation for sexual confidence.

  • Share the load. Help with household tasks, childcare, and other responsibilities so she has the energy to connect.

  • Be patient and understanding. Don’t pressure or guilt her into sex. Instead, invite her gently and lovingly.

  • Encourage open communication. Talk about your desires and listen to hers, without judgment.

  • Celebrate her efforts. If she does initiate, even in a small way, respond with gratitude and enthusiasm.

What Can Wives Do?

If you’re a wife who struggles to initiate sex, consider these encouragements:

  • Remember sex is God’s good gift. It’s not dirty or shameful; it’s meant to be enjoyed by both of you.

  • Initiation doesn’t have to be dramatic. A gentle touch, a loving look, or a whispered invitation can be enough.

  • Communicate your needs. If you’re tired, stressed, or not in the mood, let your husband know. If you want to be close, say so.

  • Practice self-giving. Sometimes desire comes after you start, not before. Don’t wait for the perfect mood—sometimes you have to step out in faith.

  • Work through emotional barriers. If there are hurts or unresolved issues, seek healing together, perhaps with the help of a counselor or pastor.

A Word About Mutuality

The biblical vision for marriage is one of mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual giving. Sex is not something the husband “gets” and the wife “gives.” It’s a shared joy, a dance where both partners can lead and follow. When both husband and wife feel free to initiate, respond, and enjoy, intimacy flourishes.

Breaking Free from Shame and Guilt

Many Christian wives (and husbands) carry unnecessary shame or guilt about sex. Maybe you’ve been told that sex is only for procreation, or that it’s somehow less spiritual. Maybe you’ve been hurt by past relationships or negative teaching. God’s Word is clear: sex within marriage is holy, beautiful, and worth celebrating.

If you struggle with shame, remember:

  • You are not alone—many Christian couples face these challenges.

  • God offers healing and freedom through Jesus Christ.

  • Your marriage bed is a place of grace, not judgment.

Practical Tips for Couples

  • Talk openly about sex. Share your desires, fears, and frustrations in a safe, loving environment.

  • Pray together. Ask God to bless your intimacy and help you grow closer.

  • Be creative. Find new ways to show affection and initiate intimacy.

  • Seek help if needed. If you’re stuck, consider talking to a Christian counselor or pastor.

Who should initiate sex? The answer is simple: both husband and wife. God’s design is for mutual pursuit, mutual enjoyment, and mutual giving. If wives tend to initiate less often, it’s usually because of a mix of biological, cultural, emotional, and relational reasons—not because they don’t love their husbands or value intimacy.

As Christian couples, let’s break free from unhelpful stereotypes and embrace God’s good design for our marriages. Let’s encourage one another, communicate openly, and pursue intimacy with joy and gratitude. In doing so, we reflect the love, grace, and unity that God intended from the very beginning.