When you are in an unhappy relationship, you have three choices.

  1. Maintain status quo
  2. End the relationship
  3. Make it better

That’s it—number three.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) most unhappy people choose Option 1.  It feels strange to think most of us would choose – or at least accept – unhappiness as our relationship fate, but the truth is to make things better requires a boldness not everyone is prepared to fully embrace.  Maintaining ‘status quo’ is the safe choice. It generally requires smallest emotional and financial risk and the least amount of effort from us. But there’s no upside. You are still left with an unhappy relationship. Change requires risk but the resulting reward can be immeasurable.

Choosing to make it better

For those with the emotional fortitude to choose Option 3 and want to work on making their relationship better, I think you have 3 choices as well. You can:

  1. Wait for the other person to change (See above “maintain status quo”)
  2. Try to change the other person
  3. Focus on changing yourself

You can probably see where I’m going with this. The key to making your relationship better is focusing on yourself; however, without some deliberate effort or professional guidance, our human nature will try to divert our attention to our partner.  Instead of looking inward (the toughest but most productive work), we focus on our partner and attempt to change or blame them. Our marriage would be so much better if she would only do this.  ……If he would only do that. Again, it comes down to avoiding the effort and emotional risk required to really look at ourselves.

Now let me say, your partner may have some huge work of their own to do. They may even own the lion’s share of the reasons for the breakdown in your relationship. But even so, focusing your energy on blaming your partner will render you powerless, leave you frustrated, out of control, and ultimately STUCK.

Sometimes I see couples who say they are committed to making their relationship better but get stuck focused on how their spouse is or isn’t showing up for them in the relationship.

Here are some signs you may be stuck in a cycle of blame:

  • Your thoughts are often focused on what your partner is or is not doing.
  • You are feeling angry, resentful, hurt, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, helpless
  • You argue and become defensive, often justifying your behavior because of your partner’s behavior
  • You withdraw, pout, become defiant, or sarcastic
  • You are stuck in a cycle of endless blame, bitterness and disconnection.

Conversely, taking personal responsibility for what you deliver to the relationship looks like this:

  • You can receive criticism without getting angry or falling apart from shame. Instead, you look for any truth in the criticism and appreciate your partner for taking the risk to share this truth with you.
  • You remain objective and non-judgmental. You look for ways you could have handled the situation differently and take steps to resolve the conflict.
  • You ask questions to try and understand why your partner is experiencing you in a certain way.  You express your feelings and thoughts calmly and respectfully even when those feelings are anger, disappointment or sadness.
  • You provide a safe space for your spouse to share hard or uncomfortable things with you. 

Why do we blame one another?

The truth about blame is that it’s incredibly hard to give up because it is inherent within all of us. Why? Because we inherited Adam’s sin nature when he fell. Adam blamed Eve and we have continued the cycle to this day.

Blaming shifts responsibility from ourselves to our spouse. It’s simply a way of protecting our ego and being right. Unfortunately, when this pattern of behavior consistently reoccurs, it will always lead to division and isolation.

Wayne Dyer: “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you.”

Rather point the finger at our mate, God expects us to put on an attitude of humility and take the initiative for resolving the issue in a biblical way. When both partners choose this approach, they will find that their relationship will no longer be “stuck” but begin to become healthy.

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