Categories: ChildrenFamily

Why Divorce Hurts Children

Prominent child psychologist, Dr. Lee Salk, once remarked, “The trauma of divorce is second only to death. Children sense a deep loss and feel they are suddenly vulnerable to forces beyond their control.”

Those who would have us believe that children are resilient and able to readily adapt to the changes that divorce forces upon them are badly mistaken. Divorce is catastrophic for kids. While it is true that some can go through a divorce with little noticeable effect, no child escapes unscathed. A divorce will always have some damaging effect on the child’s psyche. There are a host of factors associated with divorce that contribute to that effect:

It signals the collapse of the family structure. The child feels alone and frightened.
A couple’s capacity to be parents is diminished in the emotionally chaotic atmosphere of divorce. They are preoccupied with their own emotional survival.
Divorce creates conflicts of loyalty in the children. They feel pulled by love and  loyalty in both directions.
Uncertainty about the future often causes deep-seated insecurity.
Anger and resentment between parents creates intense fear in the child.

The  younger the child is, the more damaging the effect will be.

Children take upon themselves anxiety concerning their parents, especially their mother.
If the family moves, a child may lose an “at-home” parent, a home, a school, a  church, and friends. Divorce represents the loss of many things.
Children tend to blame themselves for the break up of the home. Many struggle  with intense guilt.

As pervasive as divorce is in our society, few children are prepared for it. Even when the news is broken to them gently, the reaction is typically the same—shock, denial, anger, fear, depression and the haunting belief that they were somehow responsible for their parent’s problems.

When parents divorce, toddlers often show signs of regression to an earlier stage of development. They become more dependent, clinging, and tend to engage in infantile behaviors. Rather than feed themselves they demand that their parent feed them. They may even revert to soiling their clothes even though they have been potty trained.

Some clinicians are of the opinion that the loss of the opposite sex parent at this stage may interfere with the child’s sexual development.  Young children, between five and eight, also tend to regress. They harbor irrational fears that affect their sleep and emotional security. A child at this age may begin bed-wetting, nail biting, thumb sucking, or retreating into fantasy. While these children are usually old enough to know what is going on, they do not have adequate coping skills to deal with their pain and confusion. This is why some authorities believe that this age is the most critical for children who experience divorce.

Older children, nine to twelve, typically experience anger as the dominant emotion. It is usually directed at peers and other outsiders who ordinarily might provide the care and support they so desperately need.

Teens usually don’t assume the blame for their parent’s divorce as readily as younger children because they have a better understanding of the specific reasons for the breakup. But they can be deeply hurt and resent their parents for dividing the home. Divorce can accentuate the natural tendency in teens toward withdrawal and feeling depressed. It is common for them to isolate and refuse to talk about how they really feel.

Teens, much like younger children, also struggle with the loyalty dilemma. They are often acutely aware that their mother doesn’t want them to like their father or vice versa. “Don’t you know how terrible he (she) treated me?” is typical of the negative attitudes that can create alienation toward the other parent. Keeping peace with both parents can be an emotionally exhausting task for kids at this age.

Many clinicians believe that boys are harder hit by divorce than girls. Probably the best explanation for this phenomenon is that our culture teaches males not to express painful emotions. By denying or suppressing their negative feelings boys are more vulnerable to psychological devastation when their defenses eventually break down.

The pain of divorce is heightened when a child is expected to incorporate a new father, mother or instant brothers and sisters into their life by the remarriage of a parent. Accepting another parental authority figure, different rules, values, expectations, etc. make the child’s adjustment all the more difficult.

Not all divorces are equally damaging to children. When it is pursued impulsively or in anger or the divorce coincides with other unrelated family crises, the child’s capacity to cope is more seriously impaired. The most damaged children are those who are subjected to a custody battle. All too often they are caught in the crossfire of their parent’s hostility for one another or subjected to the use of guilt or material enticements to insure their loyalty. Such struggles are seldom carried out in the child’s best interest. They are usually an extension of the basic marriage conflict and serve to punish the other parent. Sadly, many are scarred for life by such vindictive fighting.

A common question raised is, “Can’t divorce sometimes be a relief for the child?” Apparently children don’t think so. Less than 10% report being relieved by their parent’s divorce and those who do experience some relief still have adjustment problems.

Most kids, even those from troubled homes, would go to almost any length to reunite their parents. In fact, among all ages and both sexes there is a common fantasy that their parents will somehow magically marry one another again.

As a counselor, I have come to the conclusion that, when at all possible, saving the marriage is preferable to divorce. This course of action is far more likely to lead to a satisfying and fulfilling life for all of the parties involved.

All too often people opt for divorce because they unwilling to make the effort to work through their problems. Sadly, our culture has made it too easy to walk out of marriage without trying to reconcile. Most of the unhappy marriages that I have observed over the years probably could have been saved if both parties were willing to deal with their issues of conflict. I am convinced that with the help of a competent marriage counselor and a couple mutually turning to God, they could have avoided the trauma of divorce. Rarely does divorce solve problems. In the majority of cases, it only creates more problems for the parents and children. Research validates this. Of the adults surveyed five years after divorce, only one fourth were managing to cope adequately with their new lives. Half were stumbling along, just barely coping and the remaining quarter were either failing to recover or looking back wishing that the divorce had never taken place.

Those seriously contemplating divorce should consider the following advice before making this decision:

Face the scriptural commands against divorce. Read Matthew 5:31, 32; 19:3- 9; Mark 10:2-12; Luke 16:18; Romans 7:1-3; and I Corinthians 7:10-17.
Seek another perspective on what is wrong with your marriage. See a pastor or Christian counselor who can help you take a more objective look at your marriage.
Be honest and willing to confront your own contribution to your marriage problems. Don’t get wrapped up in the blame game. It is rare that the problems of a marital relationship are one-sided.
Challenge the myth that “a divorce will solve my problems.” Think about the consequences and be skeptical of friends who are eager to push you toward divorce. It may be that they want you to join them in order to relieve their guilt.
Accept the fact that all relationships go through seasons. A winter can turn to a glorious spring if you resolve some of your problems. You were once in love with your mate. Why not believe that it can happen again?
Pray for patience, determination, wisdom, and courage. God has promised to provide these resources if will ask Him.
Take the initiative to seek biblical solutions to your marital problems. Go to a counselor by yourself if necessary. Start working on what God reveals is your part in the problems. This may become the catalyst for your mate wanting to change.
Remember—all it really takes to make a marriage work is commitment and a willingness to change.