Sexless Marriages

Marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God, where intimacy—emotional, spiritual, and physical—is meant to thrive. Yet, many couples find themselves struggling with a lack of intimacy, feeling more like roommates than partners. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. From a Christian viewpoint, the absence of intimacy in marriage stems from a variety of factors, including spiritual disconnection, unresolved conflicts, and unmet needs. Let’s explore these issues and discover biblical solutions to restore intimacy in your marriage.

What Is Intimacy in Marriage?

Intimacy goes far beyond physical connection; it encompasses emotional closeness, spiritual unity, and mutual understanding. In Ephesians 5:31-32, Paul describes marriage as a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church—a bond of love, sacrifice, and unity. This vision of intimacy includes:

• Emotional intimacy: Sharing feelings, fears, and dreams openly.

• Spiritual intimacy: Praying together and growing in faith as a couple.

• Physical intimacy: Expressing love through touch and sexual connection.

When one or more of these areas is neglected, the marriage suffers. Let’s examine why intimacy might be lacking in your relationship.

Reasons for Lack of Intimacy

1. Spiritual Disconnection

A thriving marriage requires a strong spiritual foundation. When couples neglect their relationship with God, it often leads to disconnection from each other. Prayer, worship, and studying Scripture together are powerful ways to deepen spiritual intimacy (Isaiah 43:19). Without this shared faith journey, couples may struggle to align their values and priorities.

2. Unresolved Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle it determines whether intimacy grows or diminishes. Resentment and bitterness can create barriers between spouses (Hebrews 12:15). If arguments are left unresolved or forgiveness is withheld (Matthew 6:14-15), emotional closeness becomes impossible.

3. Miscommunication

Poor communication is one of the most common reasons for marital struggles. Many couples fail to express their needs or misunderstand each other’s intentions. For example, one spouse might crave emotional support while the other focuses solely on practical solutions. Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to speak words that build up rather than tear down.

4. Physical Neglect

Physical intimacy is an essential part of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). However, factors like exhaustion, stress, or past trauma can lead to avoidance or rejection. For some couples, physical distance stems from deeper emotional wounds or unmet expectations.

5. Unrealistic Expectations

Many people enter marriage with idealized notions of romance and passion. When reality doesn’t match these expectations, disappointment sets in. As noted in Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Unrealistic standards can prevent couples from appreciating the blessings they do have.

6. External Stressors

Life’s pressures—work demands, financial struggles, parenting responsibilities—can drain energy and leave little room for connection. These stressors often push couples into survival mode rather than fostering intimacy.

Biblical Solutions for Restoring Intimacy

1. Reconnect Spiritually

The foundation of every Christian marriage is a shared relationship with Christ. Begin by praying together daily and studying Scripture as a couple (Colossians 3:16). Worshiping together can also strengthen your bond and invite God’s presence into your marriage.

Practical tips:

• Join a couples’ Bible study group.

• Memorize Scripture together that speaks to marital unity (e.g., Ephesians 5:22-33).

• Pray specifically for areas where your marriage needs healing.

2. Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not optional—it’s commanded by God (Matthew 6:14-15). Holding onto grudges only deepens the divide between you and your spouse. Ask God for the grace to forgive past hurts and move forward in love.

Practical tips:

• Write down areas where you feel hurt and pray over them.

• Commit to resolving conflicts quickly (Ephesians 4:26).

• Apologize sincerely when you’ve wronged your spouse.

3. Improve Communication

Open communication builds trust and understanding. Make an effort to listen actively rather than preparing your response while your spouse is speaking (James 1:19). Share your feelings honestly without fear of judgment.

Practical tips:

• Schedule regular “check-in” conversations about your relationship.

• Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations (e.g., “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together”).

• Read books on Christian communication together.

4. Rekindle Physical Intimacy

Physical touch is a God-given way to express love and unity in marriage (Song of Solomon 7). If physical intimacy has diminished, start small—holding hands or hugging—and work toward rebuilding trust and desire.

Practical tips:

• Remove distractions like TVs or phones from the bedroom.

• Plan date nights to reconnect emotionally before pursuing physical closeness.

• Consider reading Christian resources on marital intimacy together (e.g., Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman).

5. Adjust Expectations

No marriage is perfect because no person is perfect (Romans 3:23). Instead of focusing on what’s lacking, thank God for the blessings in your relationship (Philippians 4:8). Shift your perspective to appreciate your spouse’s strengths rather than dwelling on weaknesses.

Practical tips:

• Make a list of qualities you admire in your spouse.

• Celebrate small victories in your relationship.

• Pray for contentment and gratitude.

6. Address External Stressors Together

Life’s challenges can either drive couples apart or bring them closer together. Work as a team to tackle stressors while prioritizing time for each other (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).

Practical tips:

• Delegate household tasks to lighten the load.

• Set boundaries around work hours to protect family time.

• Take short breaks together during busy seasons—whether it’s a walk or coffee date.

A Vision for Intimacy

God designed marriage as a picture of His love for us—a relationship marked by grace, sacrifice, and unconditional love (Ephesians 5:25). When intimacy fades in marriage, it’s an opportunity to reflect on how Christ pursues us even when we fall short.

Restoring intimacy requires effort from both spouses but begins with surrendering the process to God. As Philippians 1:6 reminds us, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” Trust Him to transform your marriage into what He intended—a union that glorifies Him through love and connection.

Final Encouragement

If you’re struggling with intimacy in your marriage today, take heart! God specializes in redemption stories—even when situations seem hopeless. Commit yourself to prayerful action and rely on His strength rather than your own (Isaiah 40:31).

Remember that change takes time; be patient with yourself and your spouse as you work toward rebuilding closeness. Whether it’s through spiritual growth, better communication, or renewed physical affection, every step brings you closer to God’s design for marital unity.

Your marriage matters deeply—to you, your spouse, and God Himself. Take courage knowing that He is faithful to restore what has been broken when we seek Him wholeheartedly!