Categories: MarriageRelationships

Why Women Handle Stress Differently Than Men

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” I Pet. 3:7 (ESV)

It’s been a bad day; a really bad day. So, what do you do? Talk it all out with a good friend or bottle it up inside? The answer has a lot to do with your gender.

It turns out that in general, women cope with stress differently than men. When women are stressed, they seek emotional support from family and friends. They also nurture those close to them. Researchers have coined a name for this behavior pattern: “tend and befriend.” The “befriending” technique can range from talking on the phone with a family member, relative or friend to such acts as socializing with fellow shoppers or the counter clerk at the grocery store.

The classic stress response model for men is “fight or flight.” The fight-or-flight technique implies either aggression, which can be anything from resentment, to anger, to verbal or physical conflict or withdrawal (flee) from the uncomfortable situation. Both are basically two different reactions of wounded ego.

The stress hormones The key to these different responses lies in the endocrine system. When under stress, a woman’s body releases stress hormones (i.e., cortisol, adrenaline, epinephrine) that key the body up for fight or flight. But she also produces a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is connected with loving feelings toward another, breast-feeding and maternal feelings. It enhances relaxation, reduces fearfulness and lowers stress responses. The female hormone estrogen, which is also released during stress, amplifies the calming effects of oxytocin. This hormonal response in women actually counteracts the body’s fight-or-flight response.

Thanks to these complex hormone responses, women, in effect, use relationships as a tool to manage stress. A woman who is in the midst of a crisis is much more likely than a man to phone her sibling or get together with a friend. Women create social alliances that provide a framework of support they can lean on during bad times.

Men are more likely to fight or flee a stressful situation. To enable these responses, the body releases stress hormones, which cause a man’s muscles to tense, heart to speed up, and senses to become sharper. Men also produce oxytocin but in smaller amounts, and male hormones lessen its effects.

Women nurture and reach out to others when confronted by stress. They seek out support and talk to lower their anxiety or a solution to their problems. By processing emotionally what has occurred, women share the stress of their predicament.

The “tending” technique becomes apparent when one looks at the differences between fathers’ and mothers’ behaviors towards their children when they come home after a taxing day. A typical mother, after a stressful day, is more likely to cope with the bad day by diverting attention towards the children to show care and support for them.

Men seek escape when confronted by stress. They compartmentalize and repress their feelings in an effort to get away from their dilemma. They change the subject through diversions, such as sports and clubs. They do not, however, emote or discuss their feelings, but rather hit a tennis or golf ball, competitively.

The typical father, after a stressful day at work, might want to be left alone to relax in peace, or resort to reacting harshly by picking a quarrel with the kids or wife.

Working through stress together

Stress management is key to maintaining a healthy and happy marital relationship. It is essential that men and women understand their differences in handling stress. While consistent aerobic exercise, a proper diet, and a normal sleep regimen are effective in reducing stress, most men would greatly benefit from expressing their thoughts and feelings as their wives do. Not only is stress reduced, the relationship becomes stronger when this response is implemented.

Bill