Wisdom in Selecting a Christian Spouse

Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions you will ever make as a Christian. The person you marry will shape your life and walk with God in profound ways. As the Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22) However, finding a godly spouse requires wisdom, discernment, and patience. Here are some key biblical principles to guide you in this monumental decision.

Seek First the Kingdom of God

Jesus taught us, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) Before focusing on finding a spouse, make sure your relationship with God is your top priority. Immerse yourself in God’s Word, worship, prayer, and service in the church. Ask God to shape your character to become more like Christ. Trust that as you put God first, He will guide you to the right person in His perfect timing. A strong foundation in Christ is essential before building a marriage.

Look for Godly Character

The most important quality to look for in a potential spouse is authentic, growing faith in Jesus Christ. Don’t just settle for someone who professes to be a Christian. Look for clear evidence of godly character and spiritual maturity, such as:

• A commitment to knowing and obeying God’s Word
• Regular involvement in a Bible-believing church
• Integrity and moral purity in relationships
• Humility and teachability
• Selfless love and concern for others
• Self-control and freedom from addictions
• Respect for authority and commitment to family

While no one is perfect, a consistent pattern of Christlike character is a non-negotiable foundation for a godly marriage. As the apostle Paul wrote, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Seek Wise Counsel

Don’t make the decision of whom to marry in isolation. Actively seek the wisdom and input of mature Christian family members, friends, and church leaders who know you well. Ask them to pray with you for discernment. Invite them to give you honest feedback about your relationship. If they raise concerns, don’t get defensive, but carefully consider their perspective.

The Bible says there is wisdom in many counselors (Proverbs 15:22). Those who love you and share your values can often see things more objectively than you can when emotions are involved. If your church offers premarital counseling, take advantage of that as well to help assess your readiness for marriage.

Look for Friendship and Compatibility

While shared faith in Christ is the most important foundation, marriage is a lifelong friendship. Look for someone who truly knows and accepts the real you, and with whom you share common interests, values, and goals. Marriage is about more than romantic feelings – it’s a covenant partnership to serve God together.

Observe how you interact together in everyday situations. Are you able to communicate openly and resolve conflicts in a loving way? Do you respect each other’s gifts and perspectives? Can you laugh together and enjoy each other’s company? A strong friendship is a good indicator of long-term compatibility.

Be Equally Yoked

Beyond spiritual compatibility, look for someone with whom you are equally yoked in other key areas like intellect, ambition, personality, and vision for life. You don’t have to be identical, but major differences in these areas can lead to constant friction.

For example, if you are more of an introvert who likes a lot of quiet time at home, marrying an extreme extrovert who wants to constantly socialize could become exhausting. If one of you wants to be a missionary overseas while the other wants to settle down in your hometown, that could be a major conflict. Have in-depth conversations early on about your expectations, hopes and dreams to assess your overall compatibility.

Observe Attitudes Toward Family

Pay close attention to the person’s attitudes and actions toward their own family. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Are they respectful and loving even when family members are difficult? If they still live at home, are they responsible and helpful, or lazy and self-centered?

Remember, you are not just marrying an individual, but joining a whole family. Unresolved family issues often get carried into marriage. If a person is constantly critical, bitter or estranged from their family, or if their family exhibits major dysfunction, those patterns will likely impact your own marriage and future children. Don’t ignore red flags in this area.

Beware of Emotional Baggage

We are all sinners in need of God’s grace. However, serious emotional wounds and habitual sins need to be addressed before marriage. If a potential spouse has a history of addiction, abuse, sexual immorality, mental illness, or destructive relationships, it is unwise to move forward until they have gone through a season of counseling, healing and demonstrated change. You are not responsible to “fix” or rescue someone. Marriage will only magnify existing problems.

Even if a person has made major changes, consider how their past might impact your future together. For example, someone who has broken off several engagements may have an underlying fear of commitment. Tread carefully and make sure the person has truly done the hard work before entrusting your heart to them.

Pray for Patience

Choosing a godly spouse is so important that it is worth waiting for God’s best in His perfect timing. Don’t rush into marriage out of fear, desperation, or infatuation. Take time to build a solid friendship and observe the person’s character in many different situations. If you break off an engagement, that is painful but much easier than going through a divorce later because you ignored problems.

Pray for patience and trust God’s wisdom. In some cases, God may choose the gift of singleness or celibacy for you, or delay marriage for a season as you serve Him wholeheartedly. Singleness is not a lesser calling. Use your time of singleness to grow closer to Christ, develop your gifts, and serve others. A godly spouse is worth waiting for in God’s timing.

Keep Christ Central

Most importantly, remember that no matter how wonderful your spouse may be, they can never meet your deepest needs for love and fulfillment. Only Christ can truly satisfy your soul. An idolatrous view of marriage will always lead to disappointment.

Your spouse is a precious gift and partner in ministry, but they are not your Savior or source of happiness. Keep Christ central and look to Him to complete you. Then you will have a proper foundation to love and serve your spouse unconditionally. A Christ-centered marriage built on the Word of God will not only bring joy to you and your spouse, but will be a powerful witness of the gospel to the watching world.

As you trust God and follow His wisdom in choosing a spouse, you can move forward with confidence and joy, knowing He will provide in His perfect way and time. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)