If you’ve spent any time in Christian marriage circles, you’ve probably heard the phrase, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” For some, those words bring a sense of peace and order; for others, they stir up frustration, confusion, or even anger. The idea of submission is one of the most misunderstood—and sometimes misused—concepts in Christian marriage. But why do some women struggle to follow their husband’s leadership? Why is submission so hard, even for women who genuinely love God and want a strong marriage?

Let’s dig into this topic with honesty and grace, looking at what the Bible really says, why women sometimes resist their husband’s leadership, and how couples can move forward together in a way that honors God and brings joy to both husband and wife.

What Does Biblical Submission Really Mean?

First, it’s important to clear up some misunderstandings. The Bible’s call for wives to submit to their husbands is not a license for husbands to be dictators, nor is it a command for wives to be doormats. Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” But these verses are sandwiched between instructions for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church—sacrificially, tenderly, and with deep respect.

Biblical submission is about a wife’s general attitude of respect and humility toward her husband, not blind obedience or loss of identity. It’s a partnership, not a hierarchy of value. The wife is called a “helper” (ezer) in Genesis—a word used elsewhere in Scripture to describe God Himself as a rescuer and ally, not a servant or subordinate. This is a strong, proactive role, not a passive one.

Why Do Some Women Struggle to Follow Their Husband’s Leadership?

There’s no single answer, but several common reasons show up again and again in Christian counseling and real-life marriages.

1. Fear of Misuse or Abuse of Authority

Many women hesitate to follow their husband’s leadership because they fear he will use his authority selfishly or harshly. Sadly, some men have misunderstood or misapplied biblical leadership, acting more like tyrants than servant-leaders. When a husband leads without love, humility, or respect, it’s no wonder his wife finds it hard to trust or follow him. She may fear being ignored, belittled, or hurt by decisions that don’t take her needs or opinions into account.

2. Past Wounds and Broken Trust

If a woman has experienced betrayal, neglect, or abuse—whether from her husband or from others in her past—she may struggle to trust any authority figure, including her husband. Even if her husband is trying to lead well now, old wounds can make it difficult for her to let go and follow his lead. Sometimes, after a major betrayal, a wife may step into the leadership role out of necessity, and it can be hard to relinquish that control even when her husband repents and tries to rebuild trust.

3. Cultural Messages and Confusion

Our culture sends mixed messages about gender roles. On one hand, women are told to be strong, independent, and never let a man tell them what to do. On the other hand, Christian teaching often emphasizes the importance of biblical submission. This cultural tug-of-war can leave women feeling guilty no matter what they do—either for being “too strong” or for being “too submissive.” Some women resist following their husband’s leadership because they fear being seen as weak or old-fashioned.

4. Desire for Control or Fear of Vulnerability

Genesis 3:16 describes part of the curse after the Fall: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Many theologians believe this means a woman will struggle with wanting to control her husband or resist his leadership, even as she desires intimacy with him. The truth is, letting someone else lead requires vulnerability and trust. For some women, it’s simply easier to take charge than to risk being disappointed or hurt.

5. Disappointment with Husband’s Leadership

Sometimes, a wife resists following because her husband isn’t leading at all—or isn’t leading well. Maybe he’s passive, indecisive, or inconsistent. Maybe he makes decisions without consulting her, or he avoids responsibility altogether. When a wife sees her husband failing to lead biblically, she may feel she has no choice but to step in and take charge, especially if children or finances are at stake75. Over time, this can become a habit, and she may struggle to step back even if her husband tries to change.

6. Lack of Respect or Communication

Respect is a two-way street. Ephesians 5:33 calls wives to respect their husbands, but it also calls husbands to love their wives. If a wife feels disrespected, ignored, or unappreciated, she may find it hard to offer respect in return. Poor communication, unresolved conflict, and a lack of emotional connection can all make it harder for a wife to follow her husband’s lead.

7. Misunderstanding Submission as Agreement

Some women think submission means always agreeing with their husband, or never expressing their own opinions. That’s not biblical. A wife is her husband’s most important advisor and confidant; her insights and wisdom are vital to the health of the marriage. Submission doesn’t mean silence—it means engaging in honest, respectful dialogue, and then supporting her husband’s decisions, especially when they’ve sought God together.

When Should a Wife Not Follow Her Husband’s Leadership?

It’s important to note that biblical submission is not unconditional. There are clear situations where a wife should not follow her husband’s lead:

  • If he asks her to sin or violate her conscience.

  • If his leadership endangers her or the children’s safety or well-being.

  • If he is leading her away from Christ or into false teaching.

In these cases, a wife must obey God rather than man, and sometimes that means seeking help, setting boundaries, or even leaving a dangerous situation.

How Can Wives Grow in Godly Submission?

If you’re a wife who struggles with following your husband’s leadership, you’re not alone. Here are some steps that can help:

  • Pray for your husband and for your own heart. Ask God to give you wisdom, humility, and trust. Pray for your husband to grow as a loving, Christlike leader.

  • Communicate openly and respectfully. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with your husband. Let him know you want to support him, but also be honest about your fears or struggles.

  • Encourage his leadership. When your husband takes initiative, even in small ways, thank him and show appreciation. Positive reinforcement can motivate him to keep growing.

  • Let go of perfection. No husband leads perfectly, just as no wife submits perfectly. Give each other grace and room to grow.

  • Seek wise counsel. If you’re stuck in unhealthy patterns, consider talking with a Christian counselor or mentor who can help you both grow.

  • Remember your identity in Christ. Your worth is not based on your role, but on being a beloved child of God. Submission is an act of faith, not a measure of value.

How Can Husbands Help Their Wives Follow?

Husbands, if your wife struggles to follow your leadership, ask yourself some hard questions:

  • Are you leading with humility, love, and respect—or with pride and selfishness?

  • Do you listen to your wife’s opinions and value her input?

  • Are you taking responsibility for your spiritual growth and the well-being of your family?

  • Are you willing to repent and change when you fall short?

Invite your wife’s feedback. Ask her how you can lead in a way that makes her feel safe, valued, and heard. Remember, your goal is not her submission, but God’s glory in your marriage.

Breaking the Cycle

The truth is, many marriages get stuck in a cycle: the husband hesitates to lead, the wife steps in to fill the gap, he feels disrespected and withdraws further, and she becomes more controlling or resentful. Breaking this cycle requires both partners to humble themselves, seek God, and commit to loving and respecting each other as Christ commands.

A Final Word of Encouragement

God’s design for marriage is not about power struggles or keeping score. It’s about two people, both made in God’s image, learning to love, serve, and honor each other as they follow Christ together. Submission is not about losing yourself; it’s about finding joy and strength in God’s order, trusting that His ways are good—even when they’re hard to understand.

If you’re a wife wrestling with submission, know that God sees your heart. He knows your fears, your wounds, and your longings. He invites you to trust Him, to lean on His grace, and to walk in obedience—not out of fear, but out of love for Him and your husband.

And if you’re a husband, remember that your leadership is a sacred trust. Lead with the heart of Christ—serving, sacrificing, and loving your wife as He loves the church.

Marriage is a journey, and none of us get it right all the time. But with God’s help, we can grow, forgive, and move forward together—stronger, wiser, and more in love than ever before.