You Can’t Change Others

It’s easy to blame the other person for your unhappiness. You may think, “They’re the problem; they need to change!” When you externalize your frustration by blaming or criticizing them for your discontent, you are attempting to change them. “If you would only _________, I wouldn’t be so mad.” Unfortunately, all you really accomplish is to create resistance on their part. Most people simply respond in like kind or distance themselves from you.

When you pressure the other person to behave in a certain way, you convey the message, “You ought to do this…” “You should act like this because…” “You shouldn’t do that…” Consequently, you wind up in an endless cycle of drama.

Most people are motivated to change only when they sense that you like and accept them. When they feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated they are usually reluctant to change. They shift into a protective mode.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should never confront bad behavior. Some relationships are marked by abuse, addiction, and infidelity. To say nothing is to give tacit approval to what is causing your emotional pain. Unhealthy, selfish, and dysfunctional behavior should always be confronted in a straightforward and tactful way.

“If another believer sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you” (Matthew 18:15) 

You must understand, however, that you cannot make that person change. It must be an internal decision on their part. The more you nag, whine, cry, beg, threaten, rant, rave, or pout in an effort to change them, the more frustrated and angrier you will become. Does this mean that you must acquiesce and live with status quo? No, it doesn’t. You must learn to implement tough love. Tough love is best demonstrated in difficult relationships by setting firm boundaries and the consequences for violating those boundaries. The practical application of this concept will be more fully discussed in Principle 8.

Change starts with you

God’s Word says that conflict with another person starts in your heart. When selfish desires are not checked, you try to get your own way, which leads to resistance on the other person’s part.

What causes fights and arguments among you? They come from your selfish desires that fight to control you. You want what you cannot get (James 4:1-2).

Notice that James says, “Selfish desires fight to control you.” There is a civil war going on in your mind. Sinful desires are in combat with what you know is right. And when you don’t get what you want, you’re more likely to argue, attack, sulk, nag, whine, lie, or throw a temper tantrum to get the other person to give in. This almost always ends badly.

You’re probably thinking, “I’m not the problem, he is! My ex-husband had an affair with my best friend, divorced me and married her. They seem perfectly happy. I can’t stand looking at their Facebook page. It’s not fair. He’s the one who should change!” You’re right—it’s not fair. You were victimized by his selfishness. But, let’s face it—you probably will not get a heartfelt admission of guilt or a request for your forgiveness. The bottom line is that you cannot change your ex-husband or his new wife. Any attempt on your part will most likely result in more hurt, frustration and anger.

You must realize that it is human nature to think that the solution lies in changing the other person. “If he/she would only _________, life would be better.” Unfortunately, you will waste a lot of time and energy trying to change the other person. You may pray, nag, lecture, argue, manipulate, beg, cry, and threaten to get them to change. Sadly, none of it works. All you will get is a more fractured relationship.

You must accept the fact that you are powerless to change anyone. You cannot make anyone change any more than you can make it rain. If it is impossible to make someone do what you want them to do, why waste your time and energy? That same energy would be better spent on changing yourself.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor” (Matthew 7:1-5).

So what are you supposed to do about the painful circumstances of life? Chuck Swindoll has said, “The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” In other words, if your relationships are going to change, it must begin with you. Instead of trying to change the other person, you must be the change maker. When you become the change, you will regain power over your own life and begin to get emotionally healthy. When you become willing to take the focus off the other person, it will change the way you act toward them, and that will change the dynamic of the relationship. This is a key principle for changing your relationships with other people.

Learning what makes relationships successful and owning your counterproductive behavior is a great place to start. But the fact remains that you have an internal enemy (AKA selfish desires) that can sabotage your best intentions. Simply knowing what to do in a difficult relationship is not enough. Insight and understanding can be easily swept away when your selfish desires get the upper hand. What are you to do? As a Christian you must understand that you need more than willpower to win the internal war. We need God’s power; that is, the power of the Holy Spirit.

“If you are empowered by the Spirit, you won’t obey your selfish desires” (Galatians 5:16).

He comes to indwell every true believer at the point of salvation. He is your divine guest who provides comfort when you are hurting; guidance when you are confused; power to overcome temptation; and conviction when you have sinned. It’s been said that living a successful Christian life is not hard—it is impossible. You need his empowerment to resist the temptation to selfishly insist on having your way.

When you submit your will to the Holy Spirit’s prompting, he instantly provides his power to resist the desire to act selfishly. Specifically, he gives you the patience and self-control that you lack.

“But when the Holy Spirit controls our life, he produces this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). Keep in mind that you have catered to your selfish desires throughout life, which has produced negative communication patterns. As a result, your first response will most likely be selfish in nature. Therefore, you must retrain yourself to respond and not react.

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